The Laugh Thread

[JeffH]

They actually signal both Red (DON'T WALK) and green (WALK) with sound and vibration. Quite smart, unlike some public servants (I thought all the drongos actually worked at Centrelink).
Quote from Department of Transport and Main Roads Queensland;
"Some pedestrian push buttons also have an audio and tactile (touch) component to them. These are the push buttons -called audio tactile push buttons - that emit a beep beep sound. Visually impaired people can use the steady beep beep sound (homing signal) to locate the push buttons. When it is time to cross the road the push buttons produce a series of fast beeps.
The face plate of the audio tactile push buttons also physically pulse in time with the audio sounds produced providing the tactile part of the push button."

[JeffH]

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked: "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded: "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked: "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied: "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him".
The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and, in a very quiet voice, said:

"If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair."

And a few for Uni;
I witnessed a jail break and I saw a midget climb the fence. As he jumped down he sneered at me and I thought, well that's a little condescending.

My friend was recently crushed by a pile of books. He's only got his shelf to blame.

A pickpocket robbed a midget. How low can you get.

The midget chef was fired because the steaks were too high.

[Unicorn]

:laugh2: Love 'em Jeff!!

[Pedro]

:ok: :laugh2:

Pedro

[ausjack]

My god haven't you lot learnt not to encourage him..it's like feeding the animals at the zoo :laugh2:

And your not being very PC for these days Jeff as they're now known as "little people" :winkextra:

[JeffH]

If PC jokes were to be banned there would not be many funny ones left. At least I did not use the 'D' word -as in Snow White and the seven little people.

[ausjack]

:laugh2: yes your right but I was just stirring believe it or not, not that I do that much :blush2: :mocking:

[trout]

I love that one with the old biddy in the court room :good:

[Basil]

A mate of mine has two tickets for this year's AFL Grand Final.
Box seats plus accommodation.... but he didn't realise when he bought them that this is going to be on the same day as his wedding - so he can't go.
If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St Peter's Church in Toorak Rd. Toorak at 3.00pm. Her name is Louise. She's moody but nice.

[ausjack]

:laugh2:
You have to get your priorities right don't you Basil

[JeffH]

A courier up Gulargambone way has just been sent to deliver a package to a place he's never been to before, on the western side of the town.

He arrives at the address and sees a big sign marked ''Beware of the parrot!'' nailed to a tree. Looking down the garden path, he spies, sure enough, a parrot sitting on its perch.

With a little chuckle to himself, and without a worry in the world, he opens the gate and walks into the garden. He gets as far as the parrot's perch, when suddenly it calls out, ''Brutus, attack!''

[JeffH]

This pretty well sums it up. What think you RG?

[ausjack]

:laugh2:

[Basil]

CORNY ONE-LINERS



1.  Two blondes walk into a building ....... you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2.  Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'

3.  A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

4.  I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

5.  I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'

6.  My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7.  A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'  The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

8.  I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.  Police say that he topped himself.

11.  Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.  Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

12.  'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'.  'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.'  'Is it common?'  'It's not unusual.'

13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'  'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'. So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What ? Because he's cross-eyed?' 'No, because he's really heavy'.

14.  What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15.  So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'  I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it..'

16. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.  It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.  But I think it's Colin.

17. Two  fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat bastard!'

18.  Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

19. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my  driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'

20.  A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'.  The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore!

21. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.  Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

[Goldseeker]

Number 21 is quite nice..........!