The Laugh Thread

[Unicorn]

You're on the ball today Gnome!!! :laugh2: hilarious

[Pedro]

Gnome - some classics in there (loving the Irish one especially)! :laughingneqw:

Pedro

[gnome]

Thanks

[JeffH]

Mick asked Paddy why he kept an empty milk bottle in the fridge.

Paddy replied " In case I have visitors and they want a black coffee you daft twat"


Paddy is sat at the bar drinking a pint of Guiness. Other end of the bar are two drunk Englishmen, pointing at him, laughing away.
One Englishman puts a twenty on the bar in front of his freind, and says "Bet you this twenty I can walk down the other end of the bar and piss off Paddy down there."
Second Englishman accepts the bet, and first Englishman staggers down the bar, and looks Paddy in the eye...
"Hey Paddy," says he,"you know St. Patrick?"
Paddy looks back at him, and replies, "Aye, I know him."
First Englishman slurs, "He was a pedophile... liked little boys, didn't he."
Paddy looks back at him, sips his Guiness, and says calmly, "Was he now? You learn something new every day."

First Englishman goes back to his friend, and shrugs his shoulders. Second Englishman puts a second twenty down, and says, "Tell you what, double or quits, I bet I can piss Paddy off."
Second Englishman walks down the bar, pokes Paddy, and says, "Hey Paddy, you know St. Patrick?"
Paddy looks up and replies "Aye, I know him."
Second Englishman says, "St. Patrick was an Englishman."

Paddy takes a sip of beer, and replies, "Aye, I know. Your friend just told me."

[JeffH]

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect. They end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly Teddy Bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall. It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears. She is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

But, she doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Just maybe, this could be the future father of my children. She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly and they continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.

The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well, how was it?'

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says...

"Pretty good. You can pick any prize from the middle shelf.'

[Robster]

:laughingneqw: Bearly stopped laughing!

[JeffH]

Upun my word, uni will have to lift his game -this punning epidemic is spreading.

[purplepennyhunter]

This one found its way to me today, obviously an April Fool. I got a chuckle.

THE BRITISH PENNY EUROPEAN UNION DIRECTIVE - NO. 456179/16

IN ORDER TO BRING ABOUT FURTHER INTEGRATION WITH THE SINGLE EUROPEAN CURRENCY THE EURO; ALL CITIZENS OF THE UNITED KINGDOM OF GREAT BRITAIN AND NORTHERN IRELAND MUST BE MADE AWARE THAT THE PHRASE "SPENDING A PENNY" IS NOT TO BE USED AFTER 30th March 2016 FROM 1st April 2016, THE CORRECT TERM WILL BE "EURONATING".
IT IS HOPED THAT THIS WILL BE A GREAT RELIEF TO EVERYONE.
IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS, JUST GIVE ME A TINKLE.

[Basil]

This happened at a New York Airport. This is hilarious. I wish I had the presence of mind of this young woman. An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in New York for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. For all of you out there who have had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you.

A crowded United Airlines flight was cancelled.

A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travellers.

Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said: "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied: "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first; and then I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed.

He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear: "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone.

"May I have your attention, please?" she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him with his identity, please come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him in line cracking-up with laughter, the man glared at the United Airlines agent, gritted his teeth, and said: "F*** you!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said: "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to get in line for that, too."

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain.
There are only ten times in history where the"F" word has been considered acceptable for use.
They are as follows:
10. "What the @#$% do you mean,
we are sinking?"
-- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912
9 . "What the @#$% was that?"
-- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945
8. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"
-- Custer, 1877
7. "Any @#$%ing idiot
could understand that."
-- Einstein, 1938
6. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!"
-- Picasso, 1926
5. "How the @#$%
did you work that out?"
-- Pythagoras, 126 BC
4. "You want WHAT
on the @#$%ing ceiling?"
-- Michelangelo, 1566
3. "Where the @#$% are we?"
-- Amelia Earhart, 1937
2. "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my arse!"
-- Noah, 4314 BC
1. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"
-- Bill Clinton, 1998

[Pedro]

Doing well folks! :laugh2:

Pedro

[ausjack]

:laugh2:

[gnome]

Not sure if this a repeat, but here goes anyway.
Many years ago during my married days, just prior to my divorce.....I accidentally overturned my golf cart.
Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay, what's your name?"
"It's John, and I'm okay thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.
"John, she said, (firm loose breasts undulating beneath her white silky
robe) "forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the cart up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."
"Oh, come on now" Elizabeth insisted.
She was so very pretty, very very sexy and very persuasive ... I was weak. "Well okay," I finally agreed but thought to myself, "my wife won't like it."
After a couple of restorative Scotch and waters, I thanked Elizabeth. "I Feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd best go now."
"Don't be silly!" Elizabeth said with a smile, letting her robe fall open slightly. "She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still under the cart, I guess."

[ausjack]

:laugh2: we can't take you anywhere can we G

[Pedro]

:laugh2:

Pedro

[Basil]

Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."

Lady Cashier: "Do you need a bag with that, sir?"

Cowboy: "Nah.. She's purty good lookin'....."

Cost me a busted tooth... But, when you're over seventy; who cares?

*****************************
I was talking to a young woman in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a

few kilos, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."



I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

Cost me a fat lip... But, when you're over seventy; who cares?
>>>
*****************************
I was telling a woman in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born

just by feeling her breasts.

"Really" she said, pushing out her ample chest with a smile, "then go ahead and try."

After about thirty seconds of me fondling her breasts, the woman lost patience and said,

"Come on, what day was I born?"

I said, "Yesterday."
Cost me a kick in the nuts... But, when you're over seventy; who cares?

*****************************  
I went to the pub last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table. "Good legs!" I said!

The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"



I said, "Definitely! ... Most tables would have collapsed by now."

Cost me another 6 stitches... But, when you're over seventy; who cares?