The Laugh Thread

[gnome]

onya Basil

[Goldseeker]

Where does one dig up these.   They are great.

[robbiegal]

one for mark

[Basil]

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party. He is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!!He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all cleaned and pressed! He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: 'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian'He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.His 16-year-old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, 'Son, what happened last night?''Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind you fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.' Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??'His son replies, 'Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone bitch, I'm married!!'
Two Bananas are resting on the bank of a river.A turd floats by.The turd shouts over. "Come on in the waters great."One banana turns to the other and says. "Do you believe this shit."
A Melbourne couple was watching a Discovery Channel Special about an African Black Bush Tribe. The men in that Tribe all had 24 Inches long penises.When The Black Male Reaches a Certain Age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end to a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 Inches.Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, His wife looked at him and said."How about we try the African String-And-Weight Procedure?"The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.A few days later, the wife asked the husband."How is our Little Tribal Experiment coming along?"Husband: "Well, it looks like we're about half way there."Wife: "Wow, you mean It's grown to 12 inches?"Husband: "No, It's turning black".

[humpybong]

Very good.....copied to the Knights site......

:laughingneqw:

[JeffH]

MayIi suggest you Google Iggy and the Stooges tour rider.

Here is a (very) short excerpt;

[JeffH]

Jim, from up country, went to the Sydney Olympics and sees a man carrying a ten foot long fibreglass stick and asks, "Are you a pole vaulter?"
"No," says the man, "I'm German. But how did you know my name is Walter?

How do you make a Soviet gymnast lose concentration and fall off the beam? Russia.

Why isn't suntanning an Olympic sport? Because the best you can ever get is bronze.

A gymnast walks into a bar.......
He gets a two-point deduction and ruins his chances of a medal.

[Unicorn]

:laugh2: .... Very good Jeff!!

[gnome]

yep

[Basil]

What is it that all men have one of; it's longer on some men than on others; the pope doesn't use his; and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?









His last name.

[Nevol]

IDIOT SIGHTING.

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 note.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar coin back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said 'We're sorry but we don't do that kind of thing.'
The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the people at MacD's.
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IDIOT SIGHTING.

We had to have the garage door repaired.
The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used that repairman since...this happened in Ipswich, Qld
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IDIOT SIGHTING.
 
I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbour call the local council P & W office to request the removal of the WOMBAT CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many wombats are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
Story from Collingwood, Melbourne.
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IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE.
 
My daughter went to a Mexican takeaway and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
From Bankstown, Sydney.....
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IDIOT SIGHTING.

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
This happened in Elizabeth S.A.
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IDIOT SIGHTING.

When my husband and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'

[Pedro]

Pedro

[gnome]

Yep, they're about.
and most probably breeding as well.

[ausjack]

:scratch_one-s_head: some people :blink:

[Nevol]

IDIOT SIGHTING.

The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with a not too bright co-worker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'what on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She is a government employee in ATO Newcastle NSW AU.