The Laugh Thread

[gnome]

A touching story on how men think ......
As she sat by him, he whispered, his eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side...
You know what Martha?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I'm beginning to think you're really bad luck."

[Basil]

New South Wales

A senior citizen drove his brand new Holden Senator out of the dealership.

Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 120 kph, enjoying the power of the car ..


 "Amazing," he thought as he flew down the F3, pushing the pedal even more.

 Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a highway patrol car, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

He floored it to 140 kph, then 180kph, then suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" and pulled over to await the copper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the copper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the car.

He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes.

Today is Friday.  If you can give me a new reason for speeding – a reason I've never before heard – I'll let you go.."

The old gentleman paused then said, "Thirty three years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman,

I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," replied the copper.


 Queensland


 

The owner of a golf course on the Gold Coast was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Queenslandand I need some help.

If I was to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

 

Tasmania


 

A senior citizen in Tasmania was overheard saying, "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be here."

 When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Tasmania 'cause everything happens in Tasmania 20 years later than in the rest of the world."


 Northern Territory

The young man from NT came running into the store and said to his mate, "Johnno, somebody just stole your ute from the parking lot!"


 Johnno replied, "Did ya see who it was?"

The young man answered, "No, but I got the rego."

 

Western Australia


 

A WA highway patrol pulled over a car on the main road. The copper asked,

"Got any ID?"

The driver replied, "about what?"


 Victoria


 The copper pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his ute into the ditch.

The copper asked,

"Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."


 "Yep," he replied.

"That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.'"

[Basil]

Mama taught her well!  

You've got to love this little girl.

What a  woman she'll make.  


 

A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"

A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said,

"All I want out of life is four little animals, just like my Mom always says".  

The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be?"

The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage,

a tiger in the bed and a jackass to pay for all of it.

The teacher got a coughing fit and had to leave the room.

[Basil]

Bluey goes to an outdoor show at the Brisbane Showgrounds and wins a tinnie.

He brought it home and his wife looks at him and says,

"What you gonna do with that. There's no water deep enough to Float a boat within 160 Kms of here."

He says, "I won it and I'm gonna keep it."

His brother came over to visit several days later. He sees the wife and asks where his brother is.

She says, "He's out there in his tinnie", Pointing to the paddock behind the house.

The brother heads out behind the house and sees his Bluey in the middle of a paddock sitting in the Tinnie with a fishing rod in his hand .... He yells out to him, "What are you doing?"

His brother replies, "I'm fishing. What the hell does it look like I'm  doing?"

His brother yells, "It's people like you that give people from Queensland

A bad name, making everybody think we're stupid.

If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your arse!"

 

***************************************************

 

A  school teacher asked her class to make a sentence containing the expression "I presume".  
 
One little girl held up her hand and  said: "Yesterday my mother hand washed
the dinner  dishes so I presume the dishwasher was broken."
 
"Very good" said the teacher.
 
Another one said: "This morning, my  father drove the Volkswagen out of the garage. I  presume the BMW wouldn't start."
 
"That's excellent" says the teacher.  
 
Little Johnny at the back of the  classroom gets up and says: "Yesterday I saw grandpa  leave the house with a newspaper under his arm and he  headed for the bush, I presume that......."
 
The teacher interrupted him and said,  "I stopped you because you have no idea what your  grandfather was going to do, so you can't presume  anything."
 
Johnny says, "Please Teacher, let me  finish my sentence."
 
The teacher says, "Very well.  Continue."
 
"As I was saying, I saw my grandpa  heading for the bush with a newspaper under his arm.  I presume he was going for a shit because he can't  read."

 

****************************************

 

As I was getting in bed, she said, "you are drunk!"

I said, "How do you know?"

She said, "You live next door."

[Unicorn]

:laugh2: ...... Too good Basil!

[JeffH]

[Pedro]

Don't you just hate it when that happens :laugh2:

Pedro

[nealeffendi]

Don't you just hate it when that happens :laugh2:

Pedro

I hope that guy uses a good shampoo afterwards.:angel:

[ausjack]

:laugh2: that's a shocker Jeff, but suppose it's better than having your head shoved up your own A$$

[JeffH]

A site for sore eyes! http://www.conjunctivitis.com/

Did you know atheism is a non-prophet organisation?

"Knock Knock"
"Who's there?"
"Control Freak. OK, now you say 'Control Freak who' "

I played triangle in a reggae band but I had to leave -it was just one ting after another.

One night a man died and went to heaven. He met St. Peter at the pearly gates and St. Peter escorted him in. As they walked down a long hall there were clocks everywhere but they all went at different speeds. The man asked St. Peter for an explanation. St. Peter explained that each person on earth had a clock and that each time they sinned the clock ticked a tock. They passed many other clocks along the hall but one person's they never saw. So he asked St. Peter, where is Donald Trump's clock? St. Peter said, Oh, we keep it in the office for a fan.

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store, and the clerks called 911. Paramedics rushed the man to a nearby Catholic hospital, where he had emergency bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of the hospital's nuns. One was seated next to his bed, holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen. She then began to ask him questions.
"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.
The man replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"
The man replied, "No money in the bank
"Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the nun, now somewhat irritated.
"I only have a spinster sister," replied the man, "and she's a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
The man replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

[Robster]

Baha :angel:

[JeffH]

Gesundheit!

I put this collection together with Uni in mind but anyone is free to enjoy them.

Did you hear about the guy whose left side was cut off? He's all right now.
   
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
   
I wondered why the tennis ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
   
I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
   
I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.
   
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.
   
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.   
      
Jill broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine.

I really wanted a camouflage shirt, but I couldn't find one.

Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.

A man stole a case of soap from the corner store. The police said he made a clean getaway.

 Last year I made my Christmas wreath out of Franklin half dollars. I really like a wreath of Franklin.

England doesn't have a kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool. This one for AJ.

I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

I wanna make a joke about sodium, but Na.

Two men broke into a chemist and stole all the Viagra. The police are on the lookout for two hardened criminals.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

The toilets in the police station have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

A good pun is its own reword.

Apple are to make an electric car. It will not have Windows. This one for Fulvio.

I accidently swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

Oh I'm punstoppable. Now I must go and try to get a life.

[Pedro]

:laugh2:

Pedro

[ausjack]

:laugh2: not bad Jeff, not bad at all

[Unicorn]

Yay Jeff!!! :laugh2: