The Laugh Thread

[JeffH]

I had my 'punny' jokes saved in a word document and, when I had a good number, I cut and pasted them here. But I somehow missed one -a good double meaning one too...
Thank God for nipples. Without them breasts would be pointless.

And here is one I came across at the weekend;
Hillary Clinton decides to send Donald Trump a letter to let him know how she feels about him. Trump opens the letter and it appears to contain a single-line coded message: 370HSSV 0773H. Trump, not for the first or last time, is completely baffled, so he emails it to Melania Trump and his children. They have no clue either, so he sends it to the FBI. No one can solve it at the FBI, CIA or NASA. They eventually ask Britain's MI6 for help. Within minutes, MI6 cables the reply: ''Tell Mr Trump that he is holding the message upside down.''
Please be careful if you are going to stand on your head to view your monitor upside down!

[ausjack]

:scratch_one-s_head:

It's good that nipples come in all different shapes, sizes and colours, we even have double nipples now :good:

[Basil]

A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file. The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said:"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?""My wife's."''What happened to her?""She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"The Italian man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."A very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood and silence passed between the two men...The Jewish man then asked "Can I borrow the dog?"The Italian man replied, "Get in line."
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."How soon can I go home?

[gnome]

Not sure if this was previously posted, anyway
A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.

[ausjack]

:laugh2: there's some shockers there but good :good:

[Goose]

Good thinking. I'll make some doctor appointments next week. (Imagine, saving money by not going to hotels.)

[Goldseeker]

Good one gnome^^^^^

[JeffH]

What is the collective noun for prostitutes?

An anthology of pros!

[Pedro]

:laugh2:

Pedro

[Goose]

Prostituties?

[JeffH]

Some other suggestions from elsewhere;
•A jam of tarts
•A fanfare of strumpets
•A firm of solicitors
•A whored of prostitutes
•A novel of Trollops

[JeffH]

Q. Why did a second chicken cross the road?


A. He was going to see his flat mate.

[ausjack]

Come on Jeff we're scrapping the bottom of the barrel now mate :winkextra:

[JeffH]

I didn't see you put up a better one to shame me.

[ausjack]

Oh we're gonna play that game are we :mocking: This could get really sad and where this thread comes apart at the seams :shock:
Wanna hear a bad joke about paper.

Never mind it tearable.
There was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.

No pun in ten did!!!!!!!!
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"