The Laugh Thread

[JeffH]

After my recent prostate exam, which, I must say, was the most thorough I've ever had, the doctor left and the nurse came in. As she shut the door, she asked me a question I didn't want to hear. She said ...

''Who was that bloke?''

[Unicorn]

:laugh2: ...... Dr Hopoate?

[Pedro]

I understand Dr. Reynolds has taken over the position

Pedro

[Basil]

5 Englismen and 1 Irishman are in a Police Lineup in London after a Woman had her Bag snatched earlier in the Day.
As the Lady is led in the Irishman steps forward and says  "thats her".

[ausjack]

:laugh2: that's a shocker Basil, love it :good:

[Basil]

Thanks AJ,it was on the John Laws show this morning but has done the rounds of the Internet the last few years.The page of Irish Jokes is on my old Computer,i'll try and find them.

[Basil]

Stress - A Different Slant On Things!

 

A young lady confidently walked around the room while leading and explaining stress management to an audience with a raised glass of water. Everyone knew she was going to ask the ultimate question, 'half empty or half full?'... She fooled them all .... "How heavy is this glass of water?" she inquired with a smile.

 

Answers called out ranged from 8 oz. To 20 oz.

 

She replied , "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long I hold it.

 

If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm.

 

If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an

Ambulance. In each case it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes." She continued, "and that's the way it is with stress. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on."

 

"As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden - holding stress longer and better each time practiced.

 

So, as early in the evening as you can, put all your burdens down. Don't carry them through the evening and into the night... Pick them up tomorrow.

 

1 * Accept the fact that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue!

 

2 * Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

 

3 * Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

 

4 * Drive carefully... It's not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker.

 

5 * If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

 

6 * If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

 

7 * It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

 

8 * Never buy a car you can't push.

 

9 * Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.

 

10 * Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

 

11 * Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.

 

12 * The 2nd mouse gets the cheese.

 

13 * When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

 

14 * Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.

 

16 * Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.

 

17 * We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.

 

18 * A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

 

19 * Have an awesome day and know that someone has thought about you today.

 

AND MOST IMPORTANTLY

 

20 *Save the earth..... It's the only planet with chocolate!* I THINK !!!!

 

Be the kind of person that when your feet hit the floor each morning the devil says~~ "Oh Crap, They're  up !"

[Basil]

[JeffH]

Yes please. Red or white; I'm not too fussy. :yahoo:

Drat, my computer does not have a dispensing spout -must be an optional extra!

[Basil]

Johnny Depp and the dogs.

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CgYs_56UkAAgcVN.jpg

[JeffH]

I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She replied, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!"

I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 6663629."


I don't drink for religious reasons.
I drink for other reasons.


Xbox attacked Playstation...

Here comes the ambulance! Wii U Wii U Wii U


Do you know if Stephen Hawking still has his old phone number?
Everytime I call, a machine answers.


I read that most accidents happen within a few miles of the house...
...so I moved


When I went to Australia, I was asked if I had committed any felonies back home...
I hadn't realized that was still a requirement to get in


A man is sitting at the bar...

...and he hears the bartender give the last call. He thinks to himself, this would be an appropriate time to stand up and start making his way home.

He goes to stand up and falls flat on his face.

"That's strange. I can't have possibly had that much to drink." He attempts to stand up a second time. Same result.

"I'll just crawl to the front door and get some fresh air. That ought to sober me up."

The man army crawls all the way to front door, reaches for the handle, pulls himself up, and falls flat on his face out onto the sidewalk.

"This cannot be happening. I only live a couple of blocks from the bar. It looks like I'll have until then to sober up from the crawl."

The man then makes the journey home, crawling his confused self all the way to his front door where he tries to stand up and walk inside. He falls once again just inside the doorway.

"Am I really going to have to crawl all the way upstairs into the bedroom?!"

Sure enough, he makes his way up the stairs, into the bedroom, to the foot of the bed. With one last attempt he gets to his feet, and falls into his bed for the evening.

The next morning the man is awoken by his disgruntled wife.

"I see you were out drinking all night."

Defeated, the man responded, "How did you know?"

"The bar called. You forgot your wheelchair."


3 blondes walk into a police station...

...looking for jobs as detectives. They meet with the police chief who says "I'm going to show you a side profile mug shot of a man and you need to tell me something interesting about him."

He shows the picture to the first blonde and she says "He's only got one eye". The police chief responds, "No, this is a profile mug shot, so you will only see one eye."

He shows the picture to the second blonde and she says "He's only got one ear". The police chief again responds, "No, this is a profile mug shot, so you will only see one ear."

He shows the picture to the last blonde and she says "He wears contact lenses." Perplexed, the police chief looks through the file and sure enough, the man wore contact lenses. He says "That's oddly correct. How did you know that?"

The blonde responds, "Well with one eye and one ear, he can't be wearing glasses."

[triplewitch]

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness Monster.

In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat at least a hundred feet into the air.

It then opened its mouth waiting below to swallow them both.

As the man sailed head over heels and started to fall towards the open jaws of the ferocious beast he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"

Suddenly, the scene froze in place and as the atheist hung in midair a booming voice came out of the clouds and said, "I thought you didn't believe in me!"

"God, come on, give me a break!" the man pleaded, "Just seconds ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness Monster either!"

"Well," said God, "now that you are a believer, you must understand that I won't work miracles to snatch you from certain death in the jaws of the monster, but I can change hearts. What would you have me do?"

The atheist thinks for a minute then says, "God, please have the Loch Ness Monster believe in You also.

"God replies, "So be it."

The scene starts in motion again with the atheist falling towards the ravenous jaws of the monster. The Loch Ness Monster folds his claws together and says:

"Lord, bless this food You have so graciously provided . . ."

[Basil]

A 25-year-old Jewish girl tells her mum that she has missed her period for 2 months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the local pharmacy and buys a pregnancy test kit The test confirms that her daughter is pregnant.

Shouting and crying, the mother says, "Who was the selfish bastard that did this to you? I demand to know!"

Without answering, the girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Bentley stops in front of their house. A middle-aged and very distinguished man steps out of the car and enters the house.

He sits in the lounge with the father and mother, and tells them, "Your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life."

He continues, "Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath two retail furniture stores, a deli, a chateau in France and a £1m bank account."

He continues, "If a boy is born my legacy will be a chain of jewellery stores and a £25m bank account."

"However, if there is a miscarriage I'm not sure what to do. What
would you suggest?"
All silent at this point, the mother placed a hand firmly on the man's  shoulder and told him, "You'll try again."

[Goldseeker]

Good one.

[Goldseeker]

An old priest lay dying in Woden's, Canberra Hospital. He had served
the people near the nation's capital, Manuka for many years.
He motioned for the nurse to come near.
"Yes father?" said the nurse.
"I would really like to see Malcolm Turnbull and Bill Shorten before I
die" whispered the priest.
"I will see what I can do" said the nurse.
The nurse sent the request to parliament house and waited for a
response. Soon an answer came back; Both Malcolm Turnbull and Bill
Shorten would be delighted to visit the priest.
As they were driven to the hospital in Malcolm's new BMW, Turnbull
commented to Shorten, "I don't know why this old priest wants to see
us, but it certainly will help our images and may even help our
re-election prospects."
Shorten agreed it was probably a good thing.
When they arrived at the priest's room the priest took Turnbull's hand
in his right hand and Shorten's hand in his left hand.
There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.
Finally Shorten spoke "Father of all people you could have chosen, why
did you chose us to be with you at this time when your end is so
near?"
The old priest slowly replied "I have always tried to pattern my life
and behaviour after our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ."
"Amen" said Turnbull.
"Amen" replied Shorten.
The old priest continued, "Jesus Christ our saviour died between two
lying thieving bastards, and I wanted to do the same."