The Laugh Thread

[Basil]

A SHUTTLE AIRPLANE WAS ABOUT TO CRASH; THERE WERE 5 PASSENGERS ON BOARD, BUT ONLY 4 PARACHUTES.
THE FIRST PASSENGER, HOLLY MADISON SAID, "I HAVE MY OWN REALITY SHOW AND I AM THE SMARTEST AND PRETTIEST WOMAN AT PLAYBOY, SO AMERICANS DON'T WANT ME TO DIE." SHE TOOK THE FIRST PACK AND JUMPED OUT OF THE PLANE.
THE SECOND PASSENGER, JOHN MCCAIN, SAID, "I'M A SENATOR, AND A DECORATED WAR HERO FROM AN ELITE NAVY UNIT FROM THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA." SO HE GRABBED THE SECOND PACK AND JUMPED.
THE THIRD PASSENGER, DONALD TRUMP SAID, "I AM GOING TO BE THE NEXT PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, I AM THE SMARTEST MAN IN OUR COUNTRY, AND I WILL MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN" .
SO HE GRABBED THE PACK NEXT TO HIM AND JUMPED OUT.
THE FOURTH PASSENGER, BILLY GRAHAM, SAID TO THE FIFTH PASSENGER, A 10-YEAR-OLD SCHOOLGIRL, "I HAVE LIVED A FULL LIFE AND SERVED MY GOD THE BEST I COULD. I WILL SACRIFICE MY LIFE AND LET YOU HAVE THE LAST PARACHUTE. "
THE LITTLE GIRL SAID, "THAT'S OKAY, MR. GRAHAM. THERE'S A PARACHUTE LEFT FOR YOU. THE SMARTEST MAN IN AMERICA TOOK MY SCHOOLBAG ."

[JeffH]

Well he didn't fool them but he certainly entertained us. Teller's reactions alone are worth the price of admission.
Piff the Magic dragon

[interest]

What's up doc?

Joe Alaskey passed away on Thursday.

Joe Alaskey was the voice of Bugs Bunny, Daffy duck, Porky pig & other characters I grew up with & laughed at.

VALE Joe Alaskey

[Basil]

[Basil]

Growing older!

 

Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice!!!

 

I don't have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights". I'm just very wise.

 

I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off!

 

My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.

 

Even duct tape can't fix stupid ... but it can muffle the sound!

 

I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that second week.

 

The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes" .

 

Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?

 

I don't trip over things, I do random gravity checks!

 

The biggest lie I tell myself is ..."I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

 

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.

 

Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!

 

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet!

 

Old age is coming at a really bad time!

 

Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!

 

When did it change from "We the people" to "screw the people" ?

 

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

 

At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

[JeffH]

The biggest lie I tell myself is ..."I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."
At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

I resemble those remarks.

[Basil]

The biggest lie I tell myself is ..."I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."
At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

I resemble those remarks.

The scary thing for me is i have this niggle in the back of my mind that i have already posted that joke here.

[JeffH]

No, only have already posted it before if you have no memory of it whatsoever.
Of course I will let you know if it pops up again.

[Basil]

A Lawyer arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to
get a stay of execution for his client. His last minute plea for
clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and
depressed.
        As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife
started on him  about , 'What time of night to be getting home is
this? Where have you been?  Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'.
And on and on and on.
        Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual,
he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak
in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he
dragged himself up the stairs.
        While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered
and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted
a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
        Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she
decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
        As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight
of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
        'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

        He whirled around and screamed,

        'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'

[Goose]

Good one Basil......never expected that.

[Basil]

Wife having a paddle during our recent top-end trip,top that Trout!!

 
..not really,Internet photo doing the rounds.

[JeffH]

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather has just passed away, Katie goes straight to her grandparents' house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asks how her grandfather died, her grandmother tearfully replies, ''He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning''.

Horrified, Katie tells her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. ''Oh no, my dear,'' replies her gran. 'Many years ago, realising our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the Sunday morning church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply moving in with the ding and out with the dong.''

She pauses to wipe away a tear, and continues, ''He'd still be alive today if that wretched Mr Whippy van hadn't passed by''.

[Pedro]

:laugh2:

Pedro

[humpybong]

:laughingneqw: :laughingneqw::laughingneqw::yahoo:

[Goldseeker]

Now that is a good one.........