The Laugh Thread

[Unicorn]

[autocoupler]

:biggrin: love it!!

[Basil]

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the boys." I told my wife that I would be home by midnight. "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the Bourbons went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit blitzed, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly realizing my wife would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with her. The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her midnight. She didn't seem disturbed at all. (Whew! Got away with that one!). Then she said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked her why, she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said, "Oh, shit," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted.

"My wife and I were happy for twenty five years. Then we met.

[humpybong]

:laughingneqw::laughingneqw::laughingneqw::good:

[Unicorn]

:laugh2: ..... Basil, you never cease to amuse! Very good.

[Pedro]

:good: Some more gems Basil!

Pedro

[Basil]

Thanks,i've been down at Bermagui(NSW far south Coast) the last few days for a family funeral,thats one of the better jokes that came in,this ones has pictures with each one but it would take me all day to upload.

1960 Hits Renamed

Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers who can remember doing the "Limbo" as if it were yesterday.

 
They include:
Herman's Hermits ---
Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker
 
Ringo Starr ---
I Get By With A Little Help From Depends
 
The Bee Gees ---
How Can You Mend A Broken Hip?
 
Roberta Flack---
The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face
 ?  
Johnny Nash ---
I Can't See Clearly Now
 

Paul Simon---
Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver
 

The Commodores ---
Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom
 
Procol Harem---
A Whiter Shade Of Hair
 
Leo Sayer ---
You Make Me Feel Like Napping
 

The Temptations ---
Papa's Got A Kidney Stone
 
Abba---
Denture Queen  

Tony Orlando ---
Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall
 

Helen Reddy ---
I Am Woman; Hear Me Snore
 
Leslie Gore---
It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To
 
And Last, but NOT least:
Willie Nelson ---
On the Commode Again

[JeffH]

Daylight saving finishes this weekend -but Queenslanders, don't you worry about that.
So I thought a Joh story might be appropriate (no not the one about not getting up an hour early for anyone -that would be too obvious and everyone has heard it anyway).

Tired of being misreported by the press, Joh invited representatives to a news conference on the beach at Redcliffe, near Brisbane. When they all were assembled he calmly walked out on the water about 100 metres and back, then pleaded with them to ensure the event was reported accurately. In The Courier Mail the next morning the headline read 'Premier of Queensland Unable to Swim'.

At least we get a 49 hour weekend with an extra hour to lie in tomorrow morning.

[JeffH]

And it's goodnight from him.
Vale Ronald Balfour "Ronnie" Corbett, CBE (4 December 1930 – 31 March 2016), a very funny man.
Four Candles
You Can Say That Again
Ronnie's best jokes

[gnome]

:wavemulticolor:

[Goose]

That was a good joke. Think of another one.

[JeffH]

Here is a similar one for all the psychics out there. It is after the line (for the person who asked).
 

[JeffH]

The Sunday sermon is ''Forgive Your Enemies''. Towards the end of the service, the preacher asks his congregation, ''How many of you have forgiven your enemies?''

   About half hold up their hands. This is not good enough, and he begins to implore them, in the name of Christ, to make a public commitment to forgive their enemies right here and now. One by one – HALLELUJAH! – more hands came up, until finally there is only one small elderly lady who remains with her hands in her lap.

   ''Mrs Jones?'' asks the preacher. ''Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?''

   ''I don't have any,'' she replies, smiling sweetly.

   ''Mrs Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?''

   ''Ninety-three,'' she replies.

   ''Oh, Mrs Jones, what a blessing and a lesson to us all you are. Would you please come down in front of this congregation and tell us all how a person can live to 93 years and not have an enemy in the world?''

   The little sweetheart of a lady totters down the aisle, faces the congregation, and says in a suddenly strong voice:

   ''I outlived the bitches.''

[JeffH]

The following commentary could be politically incorrect. May not be suitable reading for children, shy women or hardcore feminists.

I just came across a unit of measurement that I have never heard of before...BSH. British Standard Handful.
It is an imperial measurement of volume for breast size. Allegedly, originally defined by the volume of Henry VIII's cupped right hand. (Shades of the legend that the champagne coupe was modelled on the breast of Marie Antoinette -not sure if right or left!)
I understand there is no truth to the rumour the term originated in Bristol City. That rhyming slang refers more to shape although volume can be a consideration.
Not to be confused with BSH, British Society for Haematology.

I haven't been able to find any standards station where I can get my hands test and certified so I can become an official tester.

[Basil]

Clown funny money,not everyone is happy with the new Fiver.

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/Cf5uHFwWEAASppk.jpg