The Laugh Thread

[ausjack]

I had a couple of members send me this and gee I laughed..even though it's not funny with the piggies with their nose in the trough
http://media.theage.com.au/featured/bronnie-living-the-high-life-6708600.html

[humpybong]

I had a couple of members send me this and gee I laughed..even though it's not funny with the piggies with their nose in the trough
http://media.theage.com.au/featured/bronnie-living-the-high-life-6708600.html

Very good AJ......made my morning.

:yahoo:

[Robster]

I wonder if 'Bronnie' could do a weekly run to P.C.G.S. for some of her constituents. :angel:

[Unicorn]

[ausjack]

:laugh2: pretty good but it's a shame they spend more time in our pockets :winkextra: Bloody cold here this morning with a cool 1 degree :fie:

[stevo1962]

Got down to 9 in Cairns and if you weren't wearing a jumper you didint own one

[Goose]

A J, it got down to a 'cool' 1 C (+34 F)? We got down to a cool -43 C (-43 F) a few years ago.....pleasant, but a little cool.

[ausjack]

Gee Goose that's just way too cold for me as I get headaches and end up in bed this cold..hence why I don't go to the snow Darwin sounds really good this time of year, light 30's day time and 20 at night sounds bloody good to me
That's pretty cold for cairns Stevo.

[Basil]

An English lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant said "Can I help you?"
"Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault".
"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.
"In the park just down the road" she replied.
"Can you describe what happened?"
"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me into there;
he removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me".
"Could you give me a description of him?"
"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg".
"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant.
"Yes", said the lady, "He was an Australian Cricketer".
"That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "You worked that out from his accent?"
"No", she replied, "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long".

[Basil]

Sam is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: "Sam, sell your business." He ignores it. It goes on for days. "Sam, sell your business for $1 million." After weeks of this, he relents, sells his store. The voice says 'Sam, go to Las Vegas." He asks why. "Sam, take the $1 million to Las Vegas." He obeys, goes to a casino. Voice says, "Sam, go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand." He hesitates but knows he must. He's dealt an 18. The dealer has a six showing. "Sam, take a card." What? The dealer has -- "Take a card!" He tells the dealer to hit him. Sam gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes easy. "Sam, take another card." What? "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!" He asks for another card. It's another ace. He has twenty. "Sam, take another card," the voice commands. I have twenty! Sam shouts. "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!" booms the voice. Hit me, Sam says. He gets another ace. Twenty one.
The booming voice goes: "UN-*UCKING-BELIEVABLE

[JeffH]

"Waiting for the operation, there was a gentle tap on the door. In came a strapping nurse. 'Good morning', she shrilled, whipped back the bedclothes, upped with his nightshirt, grabbed his willy, lathered furiously around it till it looked like the Eddystone Lighthouse in a storm, then shaved the whole area till it looked like an oven-ready chicken.
'Excuse me, nurse', said Looney, 'why did you knock?"

 His vibrato sounded like he was driving a tractor over a ploughed field with weights tied to his scrotum.

I speak Esparanto like a native.

Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

And God said, Let the earth bring forth grass, and the earth brought forth grass and the Rastafarians smoked it.

― Spike Milligan

[Australian coin]

Blame Duke

Previous Next
 There once was this guy who was going on a date to the movies with a beautiful girl. Before he went, he made the mistake of eating a jumbo can of beans. Right after he picked her up, he felt the need to fart, but he figured he could wait until they got to the movies.


When they got there, he asked her if she wanted some popcorn and Coke. She said sure, so he went to the restroom. The line was long, so he went back to the lobby, got the food, and went back into the theatre.

When the movie was over, he goes to the bathroom again, still with a tremondously long line. So he figures he can wait until he drops her off.

When they pull up into her driveway, she exclaims, ''Oh goodie. My grandparents are here. Come on in and meet them.''

He agrees, although his A-hole is about to cry at this point.

They go in and sit down at the table. Finally, he couldn't hold it in any longer a tried to let it seep out a little at a time. As he squeezed out a toxic blast, he aimed it towards the family's hound dog Duke, in hopes that they might blame the pooch for the horrendous fart. The girl's father stands up and hollers ''Duke!!'' and sits back down.

''Great!'' he thought. ''They really think it's the dog!'' So, he starts bombarding the room with a couple, more powerful, louder stinkers.

Once again, the girl's father stands up, shouts ''Duke!!'' and sits back down.

Finally, he lets it all go and the loudest most hair-curling fart you've ever heard or smelt rippled through the dining room. The girl's father stands up again. ''Duke, get the hell out from under him before he shits on you!!''

[Basil]

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it.

So I said 'Implants?' She hit me.
 

Marriage changes passion.

Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
 


Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
 

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America?
 


When I was young we used to go 'skinny dipping,' now I just 'chunky dunk.'
 

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
 


Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN!
 

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
 


Wouldn't you know it...

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
 

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

A completely brilliant question!
 


Bumper sticker of the year:
'If you can read this, thank a teacher -
And, since it's in English, thank a soldier'
 

Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?

Another completely brilliant question!
 
 
 

 


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[Nevol]

Many thanks to all those who have sent me emails this past year

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat manure in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.    

I now scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.    

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.    

In fact all my money is gone but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.....    

Or, I'll receive it from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants to split $7 million with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died intestate.    

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.    

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.    

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.  

I no longer buy petrol without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.    

And I don't go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.    

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number and I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan    

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my bum.    

And thanks to your great advice, I can't even pick up the $5.00 I found dropped in the car park because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.    

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will land on your head at 5:00pm this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.  I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.    

By the way......a South American scientist after a lengthy study has discovered that people with low IQ who have infrequent sexual activity always read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse...........    

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late:-

[Unicorn]

:laugh2: .... thank you Nevol
(ps: Yes, my hand was on the mouse)