The Laugh Thread

[Goose]

This is one police report that was reported in our city's weekly newspaper.
"Sept 6, 2015 -- 9:40 PM -- 1st Avenue N. Officers were dispatched to a report of strange creatures in a person's yard. Upon arrival, an officer observed several duck decoys in the caller's yard. The caller's neighbor came out and said it was a practical joke. No further action was taken." The worse part of this is that no doubt the caller votes.....good grief!

[triplewitch]

Breaking news this morning, Pope Francis was to be driven to breakfast with the homeless and he approached the driver of his limousine an expressed his desire to drive on the freeway himself! After assuring the frighnbed driver and instructing him to climb into the rear seat Pope Francis got under the wheel of the stretch monster and wheeled out on the loop circling DC! Apparently he was enjoying the drive a little too much and got too fast and was stopped by a DC police officer. The patrolman walked up to the car and signaled for the driver to roll down the tinted window and when the Pope in his Papal finery was revealed the offices mumbled, "Stay right here sir" and hurried back to his unit where he was heard to say into the mic. "I need back up here at mile marker three!" Wha;s the problem Sgt.? "I think I may be in trouble, I have stopped someone so important it is bound to be a mess!" Who is it,is it the Mayor, "No" said the officer, The governor, don't tell me you have stopped the president said the dispatcher? No,no said the guy, I don't know who he is, I don't recognize him but he has the Pope driving for him!

[Basil]

:yahoo:..good one.

[Basil]

Confucius Say....
Kiss is merely shopping upstairs,
    For merchandise downstairs.

 Confucius Say.
Better to lose a lover
    Than love a loser.

  Confucius Say.
   Man with broken condom
Often called Daddy

Confucius Say.
Sex is same as bank account.
You put it in, you take it out....you lose interest.

Confucius Say.
Viagra just like Disneyland ...
   One hour wait for 5 minute ride.

Confucius Say.
Much better to want the mate you do not have
  Than to have the mate you do not want.

   Confucius Say.
  Joke is like sex.
    Neither any good if you don't get it.

[Basil]

My Neighbour!  
 
She's single... She lives  right across the street. I can see her place from my kitchen window.  
   
I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across
the street, up my  driveway and knocked on the door.  
   
I opened the door, she looked at me and said, "I just got home, and I have this strong urge to

 

have a good time, dance, get drunk, and make mad, passionate love. Are you doing anything?"
 
I quickly replied, "Nope, I'm free!"    

"Great," she said. "Can you watch my dog?"
Being a senior citizen really sucks!!!

[triplewitch]

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that...
1) You have to be single and
2) You must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me, but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party!"

[Nevol]

Why you should always wear underwear.

[Basil]

A guy brings his best golf mate home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30, after golf. His wife screams her head off while his friend sits open mouthed and listens to the tirade.

"My bloody hair & makeup are not done, the house is a bloody mess, the dishes aren't done. Can't you see I'm still in my bloody pyjamas and can't be bothered with cooking tonight!

Why the f*** did you bring him home unannounced you stupid idiot?"

"Because he's thinking of getting married..."
The Importance of walking

Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
To spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
Home at $4,000 per month.

My grandpa started walking
Five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old
And we have no idea where the hell he is.
***********************************
I like long walks,
Especially when they are taken
By people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking
Is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
***************************************************
I have to walk early in the morning,
Before my brain figures out what I'm doing...

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

I do have flabby thighs,
But fortunately my stomach covers them.
********************************************

The advantage of exercising every day
Is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
Start with a small country.
**************************************
I know I got a lot of exercise
The last few years,......
Just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older,
Because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

**************************************

Every time I start thinking too much
About how I look,
I just find a pub with a Happy Hour
And by the time I leave,
I look just fine.

[trout]

I can always count on you to brighten up my day Basil.
Good work Mate :yahoo:

[Pedro]

:laugh2: Definitely some good cackles in there!

Pedro

[autocoupler]

Apparently this is an oldie, so I just got to see it after crawling out from under my rock. Very funny!!

www.youtube.com/embed/gSw4CLV14sQ?rel=0

[Pedro]

Made my eyes water :blink:

Pedro

[robbiegal]

After an elderly couple starts getting forgetful, they visit their doctor. Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes.

When they get home, the wife says, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And maybe write that down so you won't forget?"

"Nonsense," says the husband. "I can remember a dish of ice cream."

"Well, I'd also like some strawberries and whipped cream on it," the wife replies.

"My memory's not all that bad," says the husband. "No problem -- a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I don't need to write it down."

He goes into the kitchen, and his wife hears pots and pans banging.

The husband finally emerges from the kitchen and presents his wife with a plate of bacon and eggs.

She looks at the plate and asks, "Hey, where's the toast I asked for?"

[Basil]

The following are results from an OZ-words Competition
where entrants were asked to take an Australian word,

alter it by one letter only, and supply a witty definition.

Clearly, you need to be an Aussie to understand.

Billabonk:  to make passionate love beside a waterhole

Bludgie:  a partner who doesn't work, but is kept as a pet

Dodgeridoo: a fake indigenous artefact

Fair drinkum: good-quality Aussie wine

Flatypus: a cat that has been run over by a vehicle

Mateshit:  all your flat mate's belongings, lying strewn around the floor

Yabble: the unintelligible language of Australian freshwater crustaceans

Bushwanker:  a pretentious drongo, who reckons he's above average when it comes to handling himself in the scrub

Crackie-daks:  'hipster' tracksuit pants.

[Basil]

AUSTRALIAN TAXATION OFFICE
Life does not always get better just because you are the boss!
The Australian Taxation Office suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper
wages to his deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him:
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them".
"Well, there's  Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years.  I pay him
$1,000 a week plus free room and board.  Then there's the mentally challenged
guy.  He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around
here.  He makes about $100 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a
bottle of Bundaberg rum and a dozen Crown Lagers every Saturday night so he can
cope with life.  He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally".
AUDITOR: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one".
"That would be me".