The Laugh Thread

[Pedro]

:laugh2:

Pedro

[Nevol]

RETIRED HUSBAND


 After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

 Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

 Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

 Dear Mrs. Harris ,

 Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris , are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras":

 1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking..

 2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

 3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

 5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

 6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

 7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

 8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

 9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

 10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

 11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

 12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

 13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

 14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OHNO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

 15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?

 And last, but not least:

 16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'

 One of the clerks passed out.

[Pedro]

:laugh2:  You have to get something out of a shopping trip!

Pedro

[Nevol]

A man in Alberta wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough..there's an ad for "Alberta Bear Removers."

He calls the number and the man says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van.

He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, 12-gauge shotgun, and a mean heavily scarred old pit bull.

"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and I'll knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat.

When the bear falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go.

The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

[Triggersmob]

Haha. I thought the shotgun might have been for female bears.

[Nevol]

After living in the remote countryside of Newfoundland all his life, an old man decided it was time to visit St. Johns town.

In one of the stores, he picks up a mirror and looks into it.

Not ever having seen a mirror before, he remarked at the image staring back at him.

'How 'bout that! he exclaims, 'Here's a picture of me Fadder.'

He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in the shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishing, he would go there and look at it.

His wife began to get suspicious of his many trips to the shed.

So, one day after her husband left, she went to the shed and found the mirror.

As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly bitch he's running around with.'

[Nevol]

This breast feeding in Public is getting out of hand. :grin: 

[Nevol]

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus she noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
 
She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The young man replied, Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.

She sat down under a sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming" and I grinned.


Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.


BUT, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident", I just lost it.

"CASE DISMISSED!!"

[JeffH]

Dog For Sale
Free to good home. Excellent guard dog. Owner cannot afford to feed him anymore, as there are no more drug pushers, thieves, murderers, or molesters left in the neighbourhood for him to eat.

Most of them knew Jethro only by his Oriental street name, Ho Lee Schitt.

[Pedro]

:laugh2:

Pedro

[Unicorn]

Now that's a K9 ..... or perhaps a K900!!!!!!

[JeffH]

Now that's a K9 ..... or perhaps a K900!!!!!!

Or maybe just a very small lady!

[Goldseeker]

Love the name of the dog..........

[Nevol]

DON'T WASH YOUR HAIR IN THE SHOWER

It's so good to finally get a health warning that is useful.
It involves the shampoo when it runs down your body when you shower with it.....a warning to us all.
I don't know why I didn't figure this out sooner!
When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body and printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning,
"FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME."
 
No wonder I've been gaining weight!
Well, I got rid of that shampoo and I am going to start shampooing with Dawn Dishwashing soap instead. 
Its' label reads,
"DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."
Problem solved!
If I don't answer the phone, I'll be in the shower!!!

[JeffH]