The Laugh Thread

[Nevol]

A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation.

As he sits on the couch, he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table.

" Mind if I have a few?" he asks. " No not at all," the woman replied.

They chat for an hour and as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl.

 "I'm totally sorry for eating all your peanuts, I really meant to just have a few.

" "Oh that's all right," the woman says. "Ever since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off them!"

[JeffH]

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realise you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defence attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.

[Unicorn]

Excellent Jeff! :good:

An Irishman is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he
comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds into
the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher. The preacher turns
around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon, he
asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk shouts,
"Yes, I am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him
back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies,
"No, I haven't found Jesus!" The preacher, shocked at the answer,
dunks him again but for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the
water and asks, "Have you found Jesus, brother?" The drunk answers,
"No, I haven't found Jesus!"

By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk
again -- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when
he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water,
catches his breath, and says to the preacher,
"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

[Pedro]

:laugh2:  Love 'em

Pedro

[JeffH]

Hi Uni,
I sent your "Finding Jesus" joke to the person who sent me the "Old woman in Court" joke and all my Facebook friends thought it great.

[JeffH]

He got what was coming!
[video=facebook]https://www.facebook.com/ItsGoneViralOfficial/videos/887544734964654/[/video]

[Triggersmob]

Haha, he should have emptied the whole extinguisher in the idiots car.

[Unicorn]

:laugh2: Nice one Jeff!

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[JeffH]

A few dad jokes for fathers' day....

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.

A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

Justice is a dish best served cold, if it were served warm it would be justwater.

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? AYE MATEY

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says, "First offender?" She says, "No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!"

I'm only familiar with 25 letters in the English language. I don't know why.

Why don't you see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it.

My friend says to me, "What rhymes with orange?"And I told him, "No it doesn't!"

If you see a robbery at an Apple Store that make2 you an iWitness.

Five out of four people admit they're bad with fractions!

[Unicorn]

:laugh2: ..... on ya Jeff!

[Nevol]

[humpybong]

Wonderful English from Around the World.
 
In a Bangkok Temple:   IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

Cocktail Lounge, Norway:   LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

Doctor's Office, Rome:   SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.  

Dry Cleaners, Bangkok:   DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

A Nairobi Restaurant:   CUSTOMERS, WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE, OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi: TAKE NOTICE:  WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.  

On a poster at Kencom, Kenya:   ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ?  IF SO, WE CAN HELP

In a City restaurant:   OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

In a Cemetery:   PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS, FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.    

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:   GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE, OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS, IN BED.  

On the menu of a Swiss Restaurant: OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR  

In a Tokyo Bar: SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

Hotel, Yugoslavia: THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.  

Hotel, Japan:   YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID .

In the lobby of a Moscow Hotel, across from a Russian Orthodox Monastery: YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY, WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY, EXCEPT THURSDAY.  

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:   IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE, THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INST MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT,  UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.  

Hotel, Zurich:   BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.  

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand: WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?  

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen: WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

A Laundry in Rome:   LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND THEN SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

Seen in an Abu Dhabi Souk shop window:   IF THE FRONT IS CLOSED, PLEASE ENTER THROUGH MY BACKSIDE.

[Basil]

A few good ones there....LOL

[Nevol]

Some definitions:
These fit so well they should be in a dictionary.
 
 ADULT: 
 A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. 
BEAUTY PARLOR: 
 A place where women curl up and dye. 
CANNIBAL: 
 Someone who is fed up with people. 
CHICKENS: 
 The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead. 
COMMITTEE: 
 A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. 
DUST: 
 Mud with the juice squeezed out. 
 EGOTIST: 
 Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation. 
HANDKERCHIEF: 
 Cold Storage. 
INFLATION: 
 Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. 
MOSQUITO: 
 An insect that makes you like flies better. 
RAISIN: 
 Grape with a sunburn. 
SECRET: 
 Something you tell to one person at a time. 
SKELETON: 
 A bunch of bones with the person scraped off. 
TOOTHACHE: 
The pain that drives you to extraction. 
TOMORROW: 
 One of the greatest labour saving devices of today. 
YAWN: 
 An honest opinion openly expressed.
and MY Personal Favorite!! 
WRINKLES: 
 Something other people have, similar to my character lines. 
                

[Unicorn]

Love em Nevol! :laugh2: