The Laugh Thread

[Basil]

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for an answered prayer.  Suzie stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have some praise. Two months ago, my husband, Frank, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

 

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Frank must have experienced.

 

"Frank was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Frank's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place with metal staples.

 

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Frank.  "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Frank is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

 

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.   He said, "I'm Frank." The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."

[Nevol]

The Urine Sample

One time I got sick and landed in the hospital.
 There was this one nurse that just drove me crazy.
 Every time she came in, she would talk to me like I was a child.
 She would say in a patronizing tone of voice,
 And how are we doing this morning?
 
 Or are we ready for a bath?
 Or are we hungry?
 
 I had had enough of this particular nurse.
 One day at breakfast, I took the apple juice off the tray and put it in my bedside stand.
 
 Later I was given a urine sample bottle to fill for testing.
 
 So you know where the juice went!
 
 The nurse came in a while later, picked up the urine bottle,
 looked at it and said, My, my, it seems we are a little cloudy today.
 
 At this, I snatched the bottle out of her hand,
 popped off the top, and gulped it saying,
 Well, I'll run it through again.
 Maybe I can filter it better this time.
 
 The nurse fainted....I just smiled.

DON'T MESS WITH OLD FOLKS!

[Unicorn]

:laugh2:  Brilliant Nevol!

[Pedro]

:laugh2: :laugh2:

Pedro

[Nevol]

The tax office decides to investigate 87-year-old Grandpa and contacts him for an urgent meeting.
The tax inspector isn't surprised when Grandpa shows up with his tax adviser.
The tax inspector says, "Well sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure that I find that believable."
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"
The tax inspector thinks for a moment and says, "Okay. Go ahead."
Grandpa says, "I'll bet you $1000 that I can bite my own eye."
The tax inspector thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The tax inspector's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you $2000 that I can bite my other eye." Now the tax inspector can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned tax inspector now realises he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's tax adviser as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
"Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks. "I'll bet you $6000 that I can stand on one side of your desk and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."
The tax inspector, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again after checking a couple of details about the bet.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his trousers, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the tax inspector's desk.
The tax inspector leaps with joy, realising that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's tax adviser moans and puts his head in his hands.
"Are you okay?" the tax inspector asks.
"Not really," says the tax adviser. "This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an investigation, he bet me $25,000 that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!"

Moral of the story?
Don't mess with old people!

[nealeffendi]

The bad part about that joke is that is what the tax man does to us every year. Takes $25,000 in taxes off us and then we leap for joy after maybe getting a $3000 refund :@

[Nevol]

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

 "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."
 
 When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.
 
 "Wow, that's amazing!" the doctor says.
 
 "Did you follow my instructions?"
 
 The blonde nods...
 
 "I'll tell you, I'd thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
 
 "From hunger, you mean?" said the doctor.
 
 "No, from skipping," replied the blonde.

[Unicorn]

:laugh2: ..... oh, keep them coming Nevol!

[Triggersmob]

Hmmm. I might try that.

[Pedro]

You've struck a rich vein Nancy :laugh2:  :good:

Pedro

[JeffH]

[JeffH]

[JeffH]

While cleaning out his recently deceased grandfather's loft a guy discovers an old violin and a beautiful original painting of water lilies. So he takes them down to his mate at Sothebys who promises to call him back with a valuation. And when the guy gets the call the good news is that he has an original Monet and an original Stradivari.

"The bad news," his mate tells him, "is that Monet was crap at making violins."

And I suspect Stradivari was not much chop as a painter.

[serenitystan]

Two shortest books ever written-Italian War Heroes and Swedish Virgins...

[Unicorn]

Read all of the info, not just the circled bit ...... 

[font='Trebuchet MS', Verdana, Geneva, Arial, sans-serif][/font]