The Laugh Thread

[Triggersmob]

:laugh2: :laugh2: :laugh2:

[Nevol]

A woman and a baby were in the Doctors' examining room waiting for the Doctor to come in for the babys' first exam.

The doctor arrived and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle fed.

"Breast fed" she replied.
 
"Well, strip down to your waist" the Doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning for her to get dressed, the Doctor said "no wonder this baby is underweight, you don't have any milk!"


"I know" she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

[autocoupler]

:laugh2: :laugh2: and I'm glad I read that!!

[Nevol]

HOW I GOT DIVORCED


Well, last week was my birthday.

My wife didn't wish me a Happy Birthday, my parents forgot and so did all my kids.

I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday.

As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy Birthday Boss!"

I felt so special. 

She asked me out for lunch.

After lunch she invited me to her apartment.

We went there and she said "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?"

I told her that was fine.

She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids and my colleagues

all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa ....NAKED

[Pedro]

You're on fire Nancy :laugh2:

Pedro

[JeffH]

SEWER BLOCKED BY LARGE POOH!

Pooh found in Scottish sewer

[nealeffendi]

HOW I GOT DIVORCED




all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa ....NAKED

So he wore his birthday suit on his birthday? How appropriate :biggrin:

[Basil]

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson
who is coming to visit with his wife.  "You come to the front door of
the apartment. I am in apartment 301 . There is a big panel at the
front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come
inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow,
push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left.. With your elbow, hit my
doorbell."

    "Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these
buttons with my elbow? ........

    "What . . .. .. You're coming empty handed?"

    ______________________________ _________________

2.     Wise Italian Grandfather

    Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down
through the family.

    An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside,
Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated
..38 revolver so you will always remember me."

    "But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me
your Rolex watch instead?"

    "You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business,
you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a
couple of bambinos. "

    "Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed
with another man.  Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and
say, 'times up' "?

   _____________________________ _ _______ _____________

3.     Irish Blonde...

    An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland, arrived at the casino.
She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a
single roll of the dice.

    She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled
the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs
new clothes!"

    As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed.
"Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up
her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

    The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.  Finally, one of
them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

    MORAL OF THE STORY

    Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb,
    ..... but all men...are men!

[Goldseeker]

Nice one re the blonds at the casino.   I just might have to try it and see if I can win!

[Basil]

A lawyer, who had a wife and 12 children,   needed to move because his rental agreement was terminated by the owner who wanted to reoccupy the home.   But he was having a lot of difficulty finding a new house.

 

When he said, he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because they felt that the children would destroy the place.

 

He couldn't say he had no children, because he couldn't lie as we all know lawyers cannot and do not lie.

 

So, he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of their kids.

 

He took the remaining one with him to see rental homes with the real estate agent.

 

He loved one of the homes and the price was right -- the agent asked: "How many children do you have?

He answered: "Twelve."

The agent asked, "Where are the others?"

The lawyer, with his best courtroom sad look answered "They're in the cemetery with their mother."

 

MORAL: It's not necessary to lie, one only has to choose the right words...and don't forget, most politicians are lawyers.

[Unicorn]

Nice one Basil :laugh2:

[Nevol]

This one came from a nephew:

Ride on Lawnmower With Grass Catcher

[Triggersmob]

I don't think the poor thing would be able to stand if I tried to ride it.

[Basil]

Subject: Irish are fun - some new ones here!

 

 

.


                       
      There  was a power failure in a Dublin Department Store last week and  three hundred people were stranded on the escalators for more  than two hours.
...........................................


"O'Leary, your glass is  empty, will you be having another one?"
And what would I be doing with  two empty glasses?" O'Leary  replied.
.....................................


Young Teresa came home with some  dreadful news. "I'm pregnant" she cries.
"And how do you know it's  yours?" shouts her  father
.......................................


PADDY: "Hey Shaun, what's Mick's  surname?"
SHAUN:  "Mick who?"
.........................................


*PADDY: "If you can guess how  many Pheasants I've got in me bag you can have both of  them".*
*SHAUN:  Three.*
........................................


Mrs Murphy said: I don't tink me  husband has been faithful to me".
"Why's that?" said Mrs  O'Toole.
"Me  last child don't look anything like  him".
...........................................


Mrs O'Toole said: "I can only  tell you this bit of scandal once, because I promised Mrs  O'Leary I would never repeat  it"
..........................................


Shaun and Molly sat up all  night, on their honeymoon, waiting for their conjugal relations  to arrive.
..........................................


Murphy had a rope hanging from a  tree in his garden. Shamus asked him what it was  for.
"It's me  weather guide" said Murphy, "If it's swinging back and forth,  it's windy and if it's wet, its been  raining.
............................................


Murphy was told by the Doctor he  had two weeks to live, so he chose the last week in July and the  first week in August.
..........................................


Colleen dropped a Euro coin,  intending it to fall into the blind man's hat on the pavement,  but missed, as quick as a flash he scooped it up and put it in  the hat. "You're not blind" she said. "No I'm not" said Paddy,  "Its Murphy whose blind, I'm just filling in for him while he's  gone to the pictures".
..........................................


"We're looking for a Treasurer  for the Xmas fund", said Paddy.
"Didn't you take on a new one  last month?" said Murphy.
"That's the one we're looking  for", Paddy replied.
............................................


Father O'Flaherty asked Mrs  O'Reilly how many children she had. Four was the reply. "That's  a good Catholic woman you are, and when will you be having the  next? He asked. "I'm not Father", she replied. "I read that  every fifth child born in the world is  Chinese".
........................................


The Dublin pensioners club go on  a mystery tour every Wednesday and to make it interesting they  have a sweep to guess where they are going. Shamus, the coach  driver, has won five weeks on the  trot.

.....................................................

 

O'Shaunessy the English Teacher earned high praise in recognition for his entire class getting100% in the written spelling test.

[Pedro]

I can relate to Shamus the coach driver

Pedro