The Laugh Thread

[JeffH]

And a few puns, riddles and one liners for Uni -anyone else welcome to enjoy if that is their thing.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.
eBay is useless. I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches.
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter!
I asked a Frenchman if he played video games.  He said Wii
I just found out that I'm color blind.  The news came completely out of the green!
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar...You can't tell me that's just a coincidence!

[Pedro]

:laugh2:

Pedro

[keldaw]

some good ones there that I can passon ,    ( pass on )   opps sorry .

[Unicorn]

Well done Jeff!

[Basil]

Arizona bikers were riding South on the US-93 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Hoover Dam Bridge. So they stopped. George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the StateTrooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

 

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

 

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked ..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

 

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering
kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

 

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even
the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

 

"My parents don't like me dressing like a girl."

 

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed??

[Unicorn]

:laugh2: ..... Love it Basil, did not see it coming!

[Pedro]

:laugh2:

Pedro

[JeffH]

A nice twist at the end.

[Nevol]

A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" she asks.
 
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the husband.

The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says,

"Mommy! Mommy! Aunty Shirley is hiding in your closet, and she's got no clothes on!"

The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, right past her husband, and rips open the closet door.

Sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the closet floor.
 
"You rotten b***h", she screams, "My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked, scaring the f*****g kids!!

[Unicorn]

:laugh2: ... Good one Nevol!

[autocoupler]

:biggrin: good one Nancy. 

Heard this one the other day, can't remember if I'd heard it before, they're all new these days!!

The granddaughter makes a rushed trip back to Oz to console her 100 year old Grandmother after the death of her 100 year old Grandfather, and after inquiring about the circumstances surrounding the death, the grandmother revealed that they were making love at the time. 

"Oh Grandma, you should have realised such an activity at your ages comes with so much risk", and Grandma explained that it really wasn't strenuous as they did it every Sunday morning to the beat of the church bells, slow and rhythmic, no stress at all. Then Grandma went on to say, "and if Mr Whippy hadn't driven down our street, your Grandfather would still be alive today"

[Pedro]

:laugh2:  Nancy & AC!

Pedro

[Basil]

...some ordinary/weak ones but i'll throw them up whilst its quiet....
************************************
 
Paddy is planning to marry, he is, and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin. His doctor says, "Aye, Paddy, all Irish use three things for what we call a DIY Virginity Test Kit - a small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel." Paddy asks, "Aye, and what do I do with these things, doctor?" The doctor replies, "Before ye climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue. If she says, 'That's the strangest pair of balls I ever did see', you hit her with the shovel."
--
Scientists have revealed today that they have found a new drug for depressed lesbians. It's called Trydixagain.
--
--
A girl sat sobbing in the police station. "I was raped by an Idiot!!" she wailed. "How do you know he was an Idiot?" the detective asked. "I had to help him!" the girl replied.
***********************************************************
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing a gale, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'

And that's how the fight started ...

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's how the fight started ...
**************************************************************
Antenna Sex
This guy pulls up in his customized Chevy van, parks, walks into a singles bar. A while later he comes out with this voluptuous woman. They drive up to lookout point, park the van and climb into the back. After some preliminary foolin' around, the young lady says: "Go break the aerial off your van and bring it back and whip me with it."

At first, the guy refuses. But eventually he gives in to her pleading and goes and breaks the aerial off. He comes back and proceeds to whip her with it. She moans and groans, and writhes and wriggles and has multiple earth shattering . . . She rests for a while then says: "Now I'll whip you with it."

At first, he refuses, but soon gives in to her cooing and pleading. She grabs the aerial and slaps him with it while she moans and groans, and writhes and wriggles and has yet another series of earth shattering . . . while raising a few welts on this dude.

This 'ol boy is about tuckered out for one night, so he takes the bombshell home. When he wakes up the next morning, he don't feel too good. Then, for the next couple of days, he feels really bad. Finally, he's feeling sooooo bad that he checks into a hospital. The doctor comes in, pulls back the sheet, shakes his head, and says: "Young man, you should have seen a physician immediately."

The doctor then turns to the nurse and declares:

"THAT'S THE WORST CASE OF VAN AERIAL DISEASE I'VE SEEN IN YEARS..."
**************************************************
I'm living next door to an (Aboriginal/Moslem/Labour/Liberal etc) couple at the moment.
They have 3 little kids and they've challenged me to a water fight in the back yard.
I'm just writing to you while the kettle boils!


I've caught a stray parrot in my garden.
All he says is "good morning you ugly ####"
It's not yours is it?



A bloke starts work in a maternity hospital.
Nurse tells him to bath a newborn aboriginal baby.
She goes to check on him and he's swishing the aboriginal baby round the bath with a stick.
"You don't bath a baby like that she said.
He replied, "You do when the water's this ####ing hot!"


Husband says to his wife "do you fancy playing a rape game?"
Wife says "no".
Husband replies "that's the spirit!"


There's a new anti-depressant for lesbians on the market:
Trycoxagane.


I failed my biology exam today.
I was asked to name 2 things commonly found in cells.
Apparently, Aboriginals and Lebanese rapists is not the correct answer
.*****************************************************
A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's
A 'peel and win' sticker on her coffee cup.
So she peels it off and starts screaming,

'I've won a motor home!

I've won a motor home!'

The waitress says, 'That's impossible.
The biggest prize is a free Lunch.'

But the blonde keeps on screaming,

'I've won a motor home!

I've won a motor home!'

Finally, the manager comes over and says,
'Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken.
You couldn't have possibly won a motor home
Because we didn't have that as a prize.

The blonde says, 'No, it's not a mistake.
I've won a motor home!'
And she hands the ticket to the
Manager and HE reads...
(YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS !!!!!! . I PROMISE !)



'W I N A B A G E L'
***********************************************
There was this man in a mental hospital. All day he would put his ear to the wall and listen. The doctor would watch this guy do this day after day. So the doctor finally decided to see what the guy was listening to, so he put his ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing.

So he turned to the mental patient and said, "I don't hear anything."

The mental patient said, "Yeah, I know. It's been like that for months!"
*****************************************************
Great Female Comebacks


Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter"

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized !"

Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason."
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man: "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy."
Woman: "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?"

Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then why aren't you leaving me alone?"

Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."

Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?
**************************************************
A preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."
With that, an Aboriginal man got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Mulrunji, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Mulrunji replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

The preacher put one finger of one hand in Mulrunji's ear, placed his other hand on top of Mulrunji's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed.

He prayed to the 'Almighty' for Mulrunji, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.
After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked,
"Mulrunji, how is your hearing now?"
Mulrunji answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til next week!"
******************************************************
The Universal Laws of Computing

For every function, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.

The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.

When the going gets tough, upgrade.

To err is human... to blame your computer for your mistakes is downright natural.

He who laughs last probably made a back-up.

A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.

The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.

A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.

If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.
*****************************************************
The drunk in the cathedral



A drunk staggered down the main street of the town. Somehow he managed to make it up the stairs to a cathedral and into the entrance, where he crashed from pew to pew, finally making his way to a side aisle and into a confessional.

A priest had observed all this, and figured the fellow needed some help, so he entered his side of the confessional. After the priest sat there in deathly silence, he finally asked, "May I help you, my son?"

"I dunno," came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "You got any paper on your side?"

*****************************************************************
A guy was driving down the motorway in England with his blonde girlfriend and she piped up.

'I think those people in the car next to us are from Wales.'

'Why's that?' he asked.

Well, the kids are writing on the window and it says,

"stit ruoy su wohs".
**************************************
what do you have when 32 harley riders are in the same room?


A full set of teeth.
**********************************************
I woke up this morning, got dressed and went in the kitchen where my wife was already fixing breakfast. I looked to see what she was cooking. In the pan was one of my socks.

"What are you doing?" I asked her.

"I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed very drunk," she replied.

Completely puzzled, I walked away thinking to myself ,

"I don't remember asking her to cook my sock..."

*********************************************************
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties...

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $25."

The Taliban shouted, "You Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie.. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"

"OK," said the little old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the e ast for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need.
Shalom."

Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.


Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead, and said:

"Your brother won't let me in without a tie....."
***************************************************
Gary was depressed. He told his psychiatrist because he thought he was gay.

"Why do you feel that way?"

"Because my father was gay."

"Being a poof is not hereditary." said the psychiatrist.

"My brother is gay."

"That still doesn't mean that you are."

"My Uncle Bruce is gay. And my cousin Jeffery is gay."

The psychiatrist gave a concerned look and frowned."Does anyone in your family have sexual contact with women?. he asked.

"Yes", said Gary "my sister does."
************************************************

[Pedro]

Still some cackles there Basil :ok: 

Pedro

[Nevol]

A woman enters a Pharmacy, walked up to the Pharmacist and said,

[align=justify]"I would like to buy a fast killing poison for humans".
[/align]
[align=justify]The bewildered Pharmacist asked, "Why what for?"
[/align]
[align=justify]The lady replied "I need it to poison my husband"
[/align]
[align=justify]The Pharmacist shouted, "Lord have Mercy! It's against the law! It's a sin!"

[/align]
[align=justify]"Absolutely not shouted the lady!" She reached into her bag and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the Pharmacist's wife.
[/align]
[align=justify]The pharmacist looked at the picture and screamed "Why didn't you tell me you had a prescription?"
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The most functional word in the English language is SHIT

That's right shit!
You can smoke shit, get shit faced, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, tell people to eat shit,
forget shit, some people know their shit and some have shit for brains. There's crazy shit, there's bullshit, horse shit, chicken shit, deep shit, the wrong shit, the right shit and not enough shit, weird shit, scary shit, up shit creek without a paddle and sometimes everything you touch turns to shit.
You could pass this on if you give a shit or not if you don't give a shit.
Hope you have a shit free week. But remember shit happens.





[/align]