The Laugh Thread

[Pedro]

:laugh2:

Pedro

[Basil]

Home Security Aussie style.

 

HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM, (Aussie Style) To PROTECT YOUR COINS.

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of 'Guns & Ammo' Magazine
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

 Hey Blue,

We've gone for more ammo and beer. Be back within an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls;
they attacked the postman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer
took part, but it was hard to tell them apart with all the blood about. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house.
Better wait outside.
Cheers,
Wacka

[Triggersmob]

Home Security Aussie style.

 

HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM, (Aussie Style) To PROTECT YOUR COINS.

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of 'Guns & Ammo' Magazine
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

 Hey Blue,

We've gone for more ammo and beer. Be back within an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls;
they attacked the postman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer
took part, but it was hard to tell them apart with all the blood about. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house.
Better wait outside.
Cheers,
Wacka

That should do the trick.

[Basil]

US Navy cruiser anchored
in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.
The first evening, the ship's
Captain received the following note from the
wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation
owner:
"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's
Debutante Ball. I would like
you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers
in their formal
dress uniforms to attend the dance."
They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an
evening of polite
Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as
they will be the
escorts of lovely refined young ladies. One last point:
"No Jews, please."
Sending a written message by his own yeoman, the captain
replied:
"Madam, thank you for your invitation. In order to
present the widest
possible knowledge base for polite conversation, I am
sending four of my
best and most prized officers."
"One is a lieutenant commander, and a graduate of
Annapolis with an
additional Masters degree from MIT in fluid technologies and
ship design."
"The second is a Lieutenant, one of our helicopter
pilots, and a graduate of
Northwestern university in Chicago, with a BS in
Aeronautical Engineering.
His Masters Degree and PhD. In Aeronautical and Mechanical
Engineering are
from Texas Tech University and he is also an astronaut
candidate."
"The third officer is also a lieutenant, with degrees
in both computer
systems and information technology from SMU and he is
awaiting notification
on his Doctoral Dissertation from Cal Tech."
"Finally, the fourth officer, also a lieutenant
commander, is our ship's
doctor, with an undergraduate degree from the University of
Georgia and his
medical degree is from the University of North Carolina. We
are very proud
of him, as he is also a senior fellow in Trauma Surgery at
Bethesda."
Upon receiving this letter, Melinda's mother was quite
excited and looked
forward to Thursday with pleasure. Her daughter would be
escorted by four
handsome naval officers without peer (and the other women in
her social
circle would be insanely jealous).
At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard
a polite rap at the
door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, four
very handsome,
smiling Black officers.
Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she
stammered, "There
must be some mistake."
"No, Madam," said the first officer.
"Captain Goldstein never makes
mistakes."
*******************************************************
Especially for you unbelievers and cynics!!


The other day when visiting Sydney a local mosque opened its doors and invited non-muslims to visit in the spirit of their faith's willingness to be open and welcoming,
so, I too decided to go to the local mosque in Lakemba for the first time to see what it was all about. Lakemba has a large Muslim population and the Lakemba mosque is one of Australia's largest.

At the time I was limping a little. I sat down and the Imam came up to me, laid his hands on my hand and said: "by the will of Allah and the prophet Mohammed - you will walk today."

I told him I wasn't paralysed, I only had a small bunion on my left foot.

He came back and laid his hands on me and looking skywards, earnestly repeated his mantra: "by the will of Allah and the prophet Mohammed - you will walk today." Once again, I told him there was nothing wrong with me.

After prayers I stepped outside, and bugger me, he was absolutely right, my car was gone!!!
*********************************************************************

[Nevol]

[Goldseeker]

^^^^^^^^^^Love this one ^^^^^^^

[Basil]

Great sex quotes

 

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women.  Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz SL500."

Lynn Lavner

 

"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."

George  Burns

 

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."

Sharon   Stone

 

"Hockey is a sport for white men.  Basketball is a sport for black men  Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."

Tiger Woods

 

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."

Jack Nicholson

 

"Clinton lied.  A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."  

Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)

 

 

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."

Robin Williams

   

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."

Robert De Niro

 

"There's a new medical crisis.  Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms.  They say they cause severe swelling.  So what's the problem?"

Dustin Hoffman

 

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing.  Just show me somebody naked!"

Jerry Seinfeld

 

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis and only enough blood to run one at a time."

Robin Williams

 

"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom ."

Joan Rivers

 

Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy.

Steve Martin

 

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older.  Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman.  Stuff you pay good money for later in life.

Elmo Phillips

 

"Bigamy is having one wife too many.  Monogamy is the same."

Oscar Wilde

[Pedro]

:laugh2: Well done Basil!

Pedro

[Basil]

Thanks Pedro,i think i've posted some of those quips before but they are clever.
I've got pages of íffy' & racist jokes,when i get a bit more time i'll edit them to make them a bit more suitable for this Forum.
*************************

Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'

Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'

Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer...'
------------------------------------------------

A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid.

It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art... It's
perfect.'

'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?'

'Twelve thirty...'
----------------------------

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a
gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're
really doing great, aren't you?'

Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be
cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that... I said, 'You've got a heart
murmur; be careful.'
--------------------------------------

One more..!

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled
himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.

After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
*******************************************************************************

[JeffH]

[nealeffendi]

I just found out that 20% of women are on medication for serious mental health issues. That is a scary statistic as it means that 80% are walking around untreated.

[JeffH]

A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus
crashed as it left the publishing house last Thursday,
according to the Associated Press.
Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied,
confused, punchy, shocked, rattled, paralyzed, dazed, bewildered,
mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, flabbergasted,
astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, boggled,
overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, and perplexed.

[Unicorn]

:laugh2: ...... love it Jeff!

[JeffH]

When I came across that one I immediately thought of a particular, rainbow hued, forum member.

[JeffH]

Don't try to use "beefstew" as a password.
.
.
.
It's not stroganoff.