The Laugh Thread

[JeffH]

Suggested reading. Bring back these Aussie sayings.
Be sure to scroll down to the bottom to check the comments.
A lot are definitely not fresh -some are, particularly a few attributable to Barry Humphries- and many mentioned are not Australian at all but borrowed from overseas. However a chance there to enhance your vernacular vocabulary.

[Basil]

A lot are definitely not fresh -some are, particularly a few attributable to Barry Humphries- and many mentioned are not Australian at all but borrowed from overseas. 

Yep,not many egs. listed by PF for whatever reason,as i posted in another Thread a couple of years back a guy wrote a Book on Aussie vernacular back in the 1980's(?),page after page of the stuff. He also stated many Oz quips found their way into US slang after Soldiers returned from WW!!,so not a one way street.
I think the article is way to get his 'flavour of the Month quip','Coca-Colonisation' into a story.

[Basil]

A New York attorney representing a wealthy Jewish art collector called and asked to speak to his client. "Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."

The art collector replied, "You know, I've had an awful day, so let's hear the good news first."

The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she has invested only $5,000 in two very nice pictures that she thinks will bring somewhere between 15 to 20 million dollars ...
and I think she could be right."
Saul replied enthusiastically, "Holy cow! Well done! My wife is a brilliant business woman, isn't she? You've just made my day. Now, I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"

The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary !!!!

[Nevol]

This little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with passing gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. It never smells and it's always silent. As a matter of fact I've passed gas at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was passing gas because it doesn't smell and it's silent."

 The doctor says "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."
The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what you gave me, but now my passing gas... although still silent, it stinks terribly." "Good", the doctor said, "now that we've cleared up your sinuses, we'll start to work on your hearing."

[JeffH]

An oldie but a goodie.

Reminds me of a riddle....
Q. Why do farts smell?


A. For the benefit of the deaf.

[Pedro]

:laugh2:  Some goodies in there folks!

Pedro

[Unicorn]

:i_agree: 

Top Job!

[keldaw]

Hi folks .AJ said to say hello to you all and he is very busy just now but will catch up with you later on , 
 We have just had a lovely meal with them ,staying their place tonight and moving on tomorrow.    ,, kel ,,

[Unicorn]

That's great news Kel! Thanks for posting it. Have a lovely trip. :good:

[keldaw]

We have moved on now and staying the weekend at port macquire staying and leaving mon morning.

[JeffH]

[keldaw]

Arrived Geelong this afternoon , met up with Bruce This morning and had a great trip with him being our pilot through Melbourne , boy what a big city , we are in a caravan park for tonight in Geelong and hope to catch up with our family tomorrow and have a few trouble free days with them ,have not worked out when we will start to head back home or which way we will be travelling yet , time will tell.
We would like to thank Bruce ( gold seeker )for going out of his way to help us to get through Melbourne ,we would probably have made it ourself but with a lot of nerve racking moments , his expert guidance was so much appreciated . Thank you Bruce .  :yahoo: :yahoo: :yahoo:

[Triggersmob]

I see a old Russian woman, named Babushka, was stopped at Customs
the other day. She was trying to smuggle 6 other
women into the country.

[Goldseeker]

It was the least I could for a Forum Member.

[Basil]

Misunderstandings

 

 

A little boy went up to his father
and asked: "Dad, where did my intelligence come
from?"
The father replied.
"Well, son, you must have got it from your mother,
cause I still have mine."

"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed
this case very carefully,"  the divorce Court Judge
said, "And I've decided to give your wife £775 a
week,"
"That's very fair, your honour," the husband said. "And
every now and then I'll try to send her a few pounds
myself."

A doctor
examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room,
took the husband aside, and
said,
"I don't like the looks of your wife at
all."
"Me neither doc," said the
husband. "But she's a great cook and really good
with the kids."

An old man goes to the Wizard to
ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for
the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the
exact words that were used to put the curse on
you."
The old man says
without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and
wife."

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Gypsy
Murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and
asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly
from San Francisco to New York City?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute."
"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.

Two Mexican detectives were
investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
"How was he killed?" asked one detective.
"With a golf gun,"  the other detective replied.
"A golf gun!
What is a golf gun?"
"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."

Moe:
"My wife got me to believe in religion."
Joe: "Really?"
Moe: "Yeah.  Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell."

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and
asks him how he is feeling. "I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-word the doctor
used in surgery," he answered.
"What did he
say," asked the nurse.
"Oops!"

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a
display of bathing suits.  It had been at least ten years
and twenty pounds since
I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought
my husband's advice.
"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a two piece or an
all-in-one?"'
"Better get the two piece," he replied. "You'd never get
it all in one."

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was
massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt
of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in
the distance.
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's
there."