The Laugh Thread

[Basil]

Some points to ponder
* If you attempt to rob a bank you likely won't have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years, whether or not you are successful.
* Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?
* What if my dog only brings back my ball because he thinks I like throwing it?
* If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?
* Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?
* The letter W, in English, is called double U. Shouldn't it be called double V?
* Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and It just takes 75-100 years to fully work.
* Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.
* The word "swims" upside-down and backwards is still "swims".
* Intentionally losing a game of rock, paper, scissors is just as hard as trying to win.
* 100 years ago, everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.
* Your future self is watching you right now through memories.
* The doctors that told Stephen Hawking he had two years to live in 1953 are probably dead.
* If you replace "W" with "T" in "What, Where and When", you get the answer to each of them.
* Many animals probably need glasses, but nobody knows it.
* If you rip a hole in a net, there are actually fewer holes in it than there were before.
* If 2/2/22 falls on a Tuesday, we'll just call it "2's Day".
(Save this thought until 2022 – because it does fall on a Tuesday!!)

************************************************************
THE IRISH NEVER HESITATE TO COME TO THE AID OF THEIR FELLOW MAN, AIR PASSENGERS, IN THIS CASE!
SHORTLY AFTER TAKE-OFF ON AN OUTBOUND, EVENING AER LINGUS FLIGHT FROM DUBLIN TO BOSTON,
THE LEAD FLIGHT ATTENDANT NERVOUSLY MADE THE FOLLOWING PAINFUL ANNOUNCEMENT
IN HER LOVELY IRISH BROGUE:
"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I'M SO VERY SORRY, BUT IT APPEARS THAT THERE HAS BEEN A
TERRIBLE MIX-UP BY OUR CATERING SERVICE. I DON'T KNOW HOW THIS HAPPENED,
BUT WE HAVE 103 PASSENGERS ON BOARD, AND UNFORTUNATELY, WE RECEIVED
ONLY 40 DINNER MEALS. I TRULY APOLOGIZE FOR THIS MISTAKE AND INCONVENIENCE."
WHEN THE MUTTERING OF THE PASSENGERS HAD DIED DOWN, SHE CONTINUED,
"ANYONE WHO IS KIND ENOUGH TO GIVE UP THEIR MEAL SO THAT SOMEONE ELSE CAN EAT,
WILL RECEIVE FREE AND UNLIMITED DRINKS FOR THE DURATION OF OUR 10 HOUR FLIGHT."
HER NEXT ANNOUNCEMENT CAME ABOUT 2 HOURS LATER:
"IF ANYONE IS HUNGRY, WE STILL HAVE 40 DINNERS AVAILABLE."
*********************************************************************

[Unicorn]

:laugh2: ..... Thanks Basil!

[Pedro]

:good:

Pedro

[JeffH]

Good ones Basil and minimal recycled this time.
Love the airline joke as I have been on flights where the meals were too few but never had the drinks offer.

[JeffH]

I picked up a hitchhiker last night, and he said "Thanks, but why'd you pick me up? How do you know I'm not a serial killer?"

I told him "The chances two serial killers in the same car would be astronomical!"

[Unicorn]

Q.     What do IKEA and Barnaby Joyce have in common?


A.     One screw in the wrong place and the whole cabinet falls apart.

[Pedro]

:laugh2:

Pedro

[Basil]

How to Maintain a Healthy Level
Of Insanity in RETIREMENT...
1.   At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on, point a hair dryer at passing cars and watch them slow down!
2.   On all your check stubs, write, "For Sexual Favors"
3.   Skip down the street rather than walk, and see how many looks you get.
4.   With a serious face, order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat.
5.   Sing along at The Opera.
6.   When the money comes out of the ATM, scream 'I Won! I Won!'
7.   When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the car park, yelling, 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
8.   Tell your children over dinner, 'Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go...'
9.   Pick up a box of condoms at the pharmacy, go to the counter and ask where the fitting room is.
And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity: My Favorite...    
10.   Go to a large Department store's fitting room, drop your drawers to your ankles and yell out, "There's no paper in here!"
*******************************************************************************************

[JeffH]

Did I tell you my joke about amnesia?

[Basil]

THE PERFECT HUSBAND

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.  A cellular phone on a
bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins  to
talk.  Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN:  "Hello"

WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me.  Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's
only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN:  "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN:  "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models.  I
saw one I really liked."

MAN:  "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000."

MAN:  "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN:  "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and
found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're
asking $980,000 for it."

MAN:  "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000.  They'll probably
take it.  If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you
really want."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN:  "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in
astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

[JeffH]

A man wakes up in hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor says, ''You probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pileup on the freeway. You'll walk again and everything. However, your penis was severed and we couldn't find it.'' The man groans, but the doctor goes on. ''You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch.'' The man perks up. ''But,'' the doctor says, ''For such a decision as this, you must consult your wife. It's very important she plays a role in helping you work out what you both want.'' The doctor returns next day, ''Have you spoken with your wife?'' ''Yes, I have,'' says the man. ''So, what is your decision?'' asks the doctor. ''We're getting granite counter tops.''

[JeffH]

A classic Two Ronnies sketch for you.

[JeffH]

[JeffH]

I hate it when people don't know the difference between "your" and "you're".

There so stupid.



Lifetime warranty with these.

[Pedro]

:laugh2: (love the chickens!)

Pedro