The Laugh Thread

[Basil]

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DaiaQPFVQAAbBQ1.jpg

[Basil]

Patchy but a few giggles.
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Paddy and his wife were discussing their sex life. Paddy
said, "I want to try that wheelbarrow position tonight."
His wife asked, "What is that?"
Paddy told her, "You bend over, put your hands on the floor then I
pick your legs up and take you from behind!"
His wife said, "Hmm, okay, I'll do it on two conditions. First, if it
hurts you stop immediately and, second, ... we don't go down past my
mother's house!"
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My teenage son told me that he had sex with the neighbour's
daughter last night for the first time. "Well done, son," I said, "I
hope you used something though?"
He replied, "Yeah, a balaclava!"
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A bloke was sitting on a bus when a gorgeous woman next to
him starts breastfeeding her baby. The baby won't take it so she says,
"Come on, eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here." Ten
minutes later, the baby is still not feeding so she says again, "Eat
it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here."
The bloke says, "Listen, love, can you make your bloody mind
up, I should've got off four stops ago!"
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· I got banned from a Muslim clothes shop today. I only asked
for a bomber jacket. Touchy basta*ds!
· Ramadan is here again. The one time of the year when Muslims
cannot eat or drink within the hours of daylight, they just starve.
Never has the term, "Not enough hours in the day" been more
appropriate!
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I met a pretty girl in the park the other day. We had an instant connection. Sparks flew between us. She lay at my feet, so I lay with her and made passionate love to her.

I thought.."these tazers are a f*cking great investment!"
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New Stock Marketing Terms
--------------------
CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer
CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER -- What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT -- An archaic word, no longer used.
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A couple living in a small Minnesota town take on an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathroom as such but she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to bowl," the woman said. So the young girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday night.

After her husband had gone off for his bowling tournament, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed.

She was surprised to see that the young lass didn't have any pubic hair and told her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said, "Next week, when you go off to bowl, I'll leave a little gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself, alright?"

The following Monday night, while the girl got undressed for her bath, the wife asked her, "Do you shave down there?"

"No," replied the girl, "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hairs on yours?"

"Oh, yes," said the woman and she showed the girl her hairy muff.

After the girl had gone to bed the husband came home and the wife asked, "Did you see it?"

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours?"

"Why not?" she said, "You've seen it before."

"I know," he replied, "but the bowling team hadn't!"
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Bloke says to a chick in the pub "Jeez I'd give you one !"

She replys "you filthy pig I wouldn't have sex with you even if you were the last man on earth !"

He says "Wooah steady on ya fat Pig, I was just giving you a score out of 10 !"
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What do you call the first Afghan off the boat?
Amhere!
What do you call the second Afghan off the boat?
Amhere Azwel!
What do you call the third Afghan off the boat?
Amhere Azwell Azhim!
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Whats 6" long and drives women crazy?


Bank notes!
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God was tired and worn out. So he spoke to St. Peter. "You know, I need a vacation. Got any suggestions where I should go?" St. Peter, thinking, nodded his head and said "How about Jupiter? It's nice and warm there this time of the year." God shook His head before saying, "No, too much gravity. You know how that hurts my back." "Hmmm," St. Peter reflected. "Well, how about Mercury?" "No way!" God muttered. "It's way too hot there!" "I've got it," St. Peter said, his face lighting up. "How about going down to Earth for your vacation?" Chuckling, God remarked, "Are you kidding? Two thousand years ago I went there and banged some Jewish girl... they're STILL talking about it!"
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Teacher:

Little Johnny, can you tell me the name of 3 great kings who have brought happiness and peace into people's lives?

Little Johnny answered:

Drin-king, smo-king, and bon-king.
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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has
Been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words
That were used to put the curse on you.'

The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife..'
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When my son had his birthday I bought him an IPhone and he was really happy.



When I had my birthday, my wife made me very happy by buying me an iPad.



My daughters birthday came along and I bought her an IPod Touch.



















When my wifes birthday came around, I decided to surprise her with a new iRon



What the wife failed to recognise is that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean modules for a better family service.

Unfortunately, this inevitably activates the iNag reminder service, a non optional add-on.
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Three friends were trying to decide which bar to visit on the upcoming weekend.

The first guy says, "I'm pretty well known at my regular place. I'll buy 2 or three pints, and then the bartender will throw one in for free."

The second guy says, "I usually go to the pub down my street. The bartender free-pours, and I tip well, and every time I order a whisky, he pours me a double, but charges me for a single."

The third guy says, "There's this bar downtown. You never have to pay a cent for the booze, and you can drink anything you want. They'll give you a joint, and let you smoke it in the beer fridge, then at the end of the night, they'll bring you into the manager's office, where you can have all the sex you can handle, with multiple partners at the same time, if you want."

"No way," protest the other two guys. "There's no bar like that on the face of the earth."

"Yes there is. I've never been there myself, but my sister was telling me about it just last week."
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Sometimes as a man you just can't win.


I was holding the door open for a young lady yesterday and you know what she said

"Will you fu*k off; I'm trying to have a sh*t".
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Australian maritime authorities have finally released the names of some of the assylum seekers who were drowned at Christmas Island.

There was Flo Ting, Sin King, Drow Ning, Scree Ming, Gurg Ling and his cousin Dunk Ing,
Bub Ling and the good news is that Pad Ling survived
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CALIPHATE BROADCAST NETWORK: Prime Time Schedule
SUNDAY

8:00 My 83 Sons

8:30 Beat the Press

9:00 Let's Mecca Deal

9:30 ALLAH In The Family

10:00 Desperate Child Wives


MONDAY

8:00 Mad Mullahs

8:30 This Old Tent

9:00 Who Wants to be a Martyr?

9:30 Dancing with the Shahs

10:00 How I Stoned your Mother


TUESDAY

8:00 Islamic Idol

8:30 Extreme Cave Makeover

9:00 Suicidal Minds

9:30 Fatima Knows Best

10:00 Iran's Wackiest Public Hanging Bloopers


WEDNESDAY

8:00 SURVIVOR: Sudan

8:30 TeleTalibans

9:00 Project RUNAWAY

9:30 Married with 137 Children

10:00 Shari'a Law and Order: Special Self-Immolation Unit


THURSDAY

8:00 Camel Town

8:30 Ugly Jihadi

9:00 Grey's Apostasy

9:30 Taqiyya to Me

10:00 Real Housewives of Riyadh


FRIDAY

8:00 Wheel of Terror

8:30 30 Rocks

9:00 FLEE

9:30 So You Think You Can Detonate

10:00 The Jihadist Apprentice


SATURDAY

8:00 Veilwatch

8:30 Sharia Law & Order: Special Honor Killings Unit

9:00 Queer Eye for the Straight Jihadi

9:30 Everybody Loves Muhammad

10:00 Saturday Night Suicide
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I was asked to run a marathon. I said, "Piss off".

They said "Come on, it's for spastics and blind kids."

Then I thought........f*ck, I could win this..........
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strange spelling and tried to figure how to pronounce it - KISS-a-me; kis-A-me; kis-a-ME.

They grew more perplexed as they drove into the town. Since they were hungry, they pulled into a place to get something to eat. At the counter, the man said to the waitress:

"My wife and I can't seem to be able to figure out how to pronounce this place. Will you tell me where we are and say it very slowly so that I can understand."

The waitress looked at him and said:

"Buuurrrgerrr Kiiiinnnng."
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An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1:00 A.M. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.



The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body".

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"



The man replies, "My wife!"
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I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, the wars, global warming, my savings, Superannuation, my credit card debt, so I called Lifeline...



Got a freakin' call centre in Afghanistan. When I told them I was suicidal they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.....

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LAKEMBA HIGH SCHOOL MATH PROFICIENCY EXAM


Name: _____________________________ Gang:___________________________

1. Jamaal has an AK-47 with a 40-round clip. If he misses 6 out of
10 shots and shoots 13 times at each drive-by shooting, how many
drive-by shootings can he attend before he has to reload?

2. Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8-ball to Jackson
for $320, and 2 grams to Billy for $85 a gram. What is the
street value of the remaining cocaine that he doesn't cut?

3. Tariq is pimping for 3 girls. If the price is $65 for each
trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so Tariq can
pay for his $800 a day crack habit?

4. Chang wants to cut his 1/2 pound of heroin to make 20% more
profit. How many ounces of cut will he need to reach his goal?

5. Jake gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Holden, and $100
for a 4x4. If he steals 2 BMW's and 3 4x4's, how many Holdens
will he have to steal to make $800?

6. Raoul is serving 6 years in prison for murder. He received
$10,000 for the hit. If his common law wife is spending $100 a
month, how much money will be left when he gets out of jail, and
how many years will he get for killing the bitch that spent all
his money?

7. If the average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet, and the
average letter is 0.8 square feet, how many letters can a tagger
spray with 3 cans of paint?

8. Mohammad knocked up 6 girls in his friendly neighborhood gang. If
there are 27 girls in the gang, what percentage of the girls in
the gang has Mohammad knocked up? What percentage of girls in the
gang *hasn't* Mohammad knocked up?

BONUS QUESTION: Based on the information provided above, how many more
girls can Mohammad knock up in his gang if he has sex 8 times a day with
3 different girls a week for 6 months using the highly reliable "rhythm
method" of birth control?
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In a recent survey requested by President Obama, African-Americans have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower!

In the survey, carried out for him by a leading toiletries firm, a huge majority, 86% of African-Americans, said that they have had sex in the shower.

The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison yet. Sort of brings tears to your eyes doesn't it?
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I was driving when I saw the flash of a traffic camera. I figured that my picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even though I knew that I was

not speeding.

Just to be sure, I went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.

Now I began to think that this was quite funny, so I drove even slower as I passed the area once more, but the traffic camera again flashed.

I tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now laughing as the camera flashed while I rolled past at a snail's pace.

Two weeks later, I got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.

You just can't fix stupid.
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Default The Aisle Seat
Two radical Arab terrorists boarded a flight out of London.

One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.. Just before take off, a rabbi sat down in the aisle seat.

After take off the rabbi kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get up and get a coke."
"Don't get up," said the rabbi, "I'm in the aisle seat, I'll get it for you."

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the rabbi`s shoe and spat in it. When the Rabbi returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good. I'd really like one, too."

Again, the rabbi obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the rabbi`s other shoe and spat in it.

When the rabbi returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the rabbi slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbours:

"Why does it have to be this way?

How long must this go on?

This fighting between our nations?

This hatred?

This animosity?

This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"
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Politically incorrect jokes
In a pub quiz the other day I lost by one point. The question was where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently, the correct answer is Africa.
Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche & mentioned it on FaceBook. I said "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive !" Next thing I know 4000 Muslims have added me as a friend !!

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk ...
"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard.

The red cross have just knocked at our door and ask if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan, I said we would love to, but our hose only reaches to the bottom of the garden.

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A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.



Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk



He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well



Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.



One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.



Two o'clock and no hired hand.



Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.



She quietly called him over to her.



"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.



Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots"



He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."



He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.



"Now take off my skirt."



He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.



"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.





Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
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[Pedro]

There are some gems in there Basil :laugh2:

Pedro

[JeffH]

All the funniest jokes seem to be sexist, racist, homophobic or obscene -sometimes more than one of those things. It is really hard to find one that is acceptable to everyone and non-offensive. This is the closest I have heard lately...
WARNING Not suitable for Buddhists.
Q. If you pull the wings off a fly, what is it called?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
A. A walk!


Anyone have something better?
Note to Uni; puns accepted but not eligible for the (non existent) prize.

[Unicorn]

:laugh2: On ya Jeff!

[keldaw]

2 mobile's phones met and no 1 said  to no 2  ,
I heard you got married , and no 2 said back to no 1
yes I did and we had . ??
 
WAIT FOR IT



:yahoo: :yahoo: :yahoo: :yahoo: :yahoo: :yahoo: :yahoo: :yahoo: :yahoo: :yahoo: :yahoo: :yahoo: :yahoo:




 had a great reception . HA HA  :tease: :tease: :tease:

[JeffH]

Good one Kel. Thanks for responding to my challenge -nobody else did.

Might be time to trot out my all time favourite.
Uni, being a pun aficionado, will probably appreciate it. Most people either just have a blank look or scratch their head on hearing it. Spike Milligan would probably have thought it hilarious but we all know he was, well.......different.

Q. Why is a crow?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
A. Just caws.


Speaking of Spike Milligan; in a TV skit he did a man is struggling to swim in a lake. Spike and his wife are standing nearby and she says to him, "Don't just stand there, do something!" So he starts tap-dancing.

[Unicorn]

:laugh2: ..... Nice one Kel!

Love the crow Jeff ...... as I'm sure Graham Kennedy would have.

Oddly, only mentioned Spike yesterday in family conversation. (I told you I was ill).

[keldaw]

as you should all know by now , we have good news now about dawn having cancer on her left kidney , that is why I have been so quite the last couple of months , we have being having a lot of tests done , the cancer is there but it is benign , they think ,  but we will know for sure on Monday when we see the surgeon specialist , but she also has
 Paget's disease which they cant cure but can treat it , it is in her spine and leg muscles , we will know more on Monday .
 please do not mention anything about this on Facebook  thanks .

[JeffH]

I think Graham Kennedy went off his crow fascination after a short while.

Would not raise much of a reaction now. How times change and not always for the better. But he was a very funny man with a perfect sense of timing (it's a joke Joyce). A couple of others in the same league are Sir Billy William Connolly and the late Dave Allen.

[JeffH]

Two 98-year-old Diggers, on the way back from their Anzac Day reunion, are sitting on the platform at Wynyard, waiting for the train when a drop-dead-gorgeous young woman walks by. In her early 20s, she is wearing a mini-skirt, a sheer blouse, all the better to display her fine figure, and a beautiful face that could have been drawn by Botticelli. As she passes the two old Diggers, she gives them a playful wink. Neither of them speaks for a good minute.
Finally, the marginally older of the two Diggers says to the younger one, "You remember that stuff they used to put into our cocoa at Tobruk to diminish our sexual desires?"
"Yup, I remember," replies the second Digger.
"Well, I think it may have just started to kick in."

[Nevol]

The Turkey And The Bull 

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, there he was, proudly perched at the top of the tree.

Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.





Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

[Pedro]

:laugh2: 

Mind you Donald Trump seems to be bucking the trend ... so far

Pedro

[JeffH]

Out driving this morning and John Laws was on the radio. He had an email requesting this call be replayed.
It's a classic -almost enough to make you think talkback radio is not a total waste of time.

[JeffH]

When you hear there is to be a royal wedding you naturally think "fried chicken".

I didn't watch the wedding -was it worth it?


Sunday night. I just watched the ABC news and the first 11 minutes were devoted solely to that wedding. I bet they (the ABC and I suspect the commercial broadcaster are even worse) are happy that nothing of importance actually happened in the world today -or did it and they just ignore it?
Yours cynically,
Jeff