The Laugh Thread

[Unicorn]

:laugh2: .... great stuff Basil!

[Nevol]

My pick of the bunch: I love being over 65. I learn something new every day and forget 5 others. So true! :winkextra:

[ausjack]

:good:

[Goldseeker]

Black Bra (as told by a woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.

One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.
 
Here's how it all went.........

My engaged friend:

The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams...I love you.' Then we made passionate love all  night long.


The mistress:

Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to  tremble and we had wild sex all night.


Then I had to share my story:

When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,...........




(you are going to love this..)
 




" What's for dinner, Zorro?

[Basil]

I've got a heap to sort thru. when i get some time but this is a good one.
......
I was in a pub in Cork, Ireland last summer.
A group of American tourists came in.
One of the Americans called out, "I hear you Irish think you're great drinkers. I bet $5,000 that no one here can drink 20 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes."
The bar was silent. No one took up the bet. One Irishman was seen leaving but later he returned and said, "Is yer bet still on?"
"Sure" said the American, "20 pints in 30 minutes for a bet of $5,000."
"Grand," replied the Irishman, "So pour the pints and start the clock."
The last drop was consumed with 2 seconds to spare.
"OK pay up." said the Irishman.
"Here's your money" said the American. "But tell me, when I first offered the wager, why did you not accept then? "
"Well Sir", replied the Irishman, "$5,000 is a lot of money to me, so I went to the pub across the road to see if I could do it.
*************************************************************

[Pedro]

:laugh2:  Practice makes perfect.

Pedro

[ausjack]

:laugh2: yeah pay that one Basil :good:

[Basil]

The Italian Secret to a Long Marriage.

At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Melbourne, they have weekly husband's marriage seminars.


At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda DA money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'

The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?'

Giuseppe proudly replied, " I gonna go picka her up and bringa her back home."
****************************************************************
An Aussie stockman and his wife had just got married and found a nice hotel for their wedding night. The man approached the front desk and asked for a room.

He said, 'We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room, with a good strong bed."

The clerk winked, 'You want the 'Bridal'?'

The drover reflected on this for a moment and then replied, "Nah, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it."
*******************************************************************
Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt." Now you can intellectually handle the situation.

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, a partner of Kneedeep &. Schitt Inc.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins: Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.

Noe Schitt later married Mr. Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hobehind. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Piza Schitt.

So now if someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them. Not only do you know Jack, you know his whole family.
*******************************************************************
Neville the Aborigine had been out of work for a long time and when he was offered the job at the council as a garbage collector he decided to take it up. On his first day things were going great until he arrived at one house and noticed there was no wheelie bin out front.

Neville thought to himself,

"I wanna do a good job and not get fired from here but if they find out I missed one house then I will get fired."

So he went up to the door and knocked on it. To his surprise it was a fellow Aborigine who answered. Neville breathed a sight of relief and said to the other bloke,

"Where's ya bin?"

The man replied, "I bin on 'olidays."

Neville then said, "Na, mate, where's ya BIN?"

"I bin on 'olidays I tell ya," was the reply.

Neville, slightly frustrated, says, "Na, ya idiot -- where's ya wheelie bin?"

The other bloke looked round to see who might be listening. "Well," he said. "I weally bin in jail -- but I'm tellin' everyone I bin on 'olidays, eh!"
*********************************************************************
A blonde gets a job as a teacher.

Watching the kids play she notices a boy in the field stood by himself while all the other kids are running around having fun with a ball.

She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

"Are you ok?" she says

"Yes" he replied.

"You do know that you can go and play with the other kids", she says.

"Its best I stay here" he said.

"But why?" says the blonde.

The boys says "Because I'm the f#cking goalie"
***********************************************************
WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and
a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked,

"Say Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest seeing a chance to give a quick sermon.

"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women,

too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."
"The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned."

Then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
*****************************************************************
Default
A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotch less panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.

She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the lounge opposite her husband.

At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs ... enough times till her husband says...
"Are you wearing crotch less panties?"

"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.

"Thank God for that... I thought the stuffing was coming out of the sofa!!
****************************************************************

After Nigeria was eliminated from the World Cup, the Nigerian goalkeeper personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans who had travelled to South Africa.
He said he just needs their bank details and PINs to complete the transaction.
***************************************************************
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day.

Mick, the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy"

Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.

"Dammit" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.

He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face.

"Oh God, this is gettin' worse," he slurs.

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.

He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame.

He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk.

He falls flat on his face.

"I'll never make it home," he mumbles amid more curses.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door and shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and grunts "No way". He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "Maybe I can just can make it to the bed."

He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.

He says "To hell with it" and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Bridie, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?".

Paddy says, "I did Bridie. I was totally scuttered pissed. Me head's throbbin'. But how'd ye know?"

"Mick phoned ... You left your wheelchair at the pub."
***********************************************************

ADAMANT - THE VERY FIRST INSECT

AROMATIC - AN AUTOMATIC LONGBOW

AUTOMATIC SHIFT - WHEN THE DRIVER MOVES CLOSER TO HIS GIRLFRIEND

AVAIL - HELPFUL FOR UGLY WOMEN

AWESTRUCK - BEING HIT BY A PADDLE

BACTERIA - A MODERN SELF SERVICE T.A.B.

BADMINTON - THE REASON THE LAMB TASTED OFF

BIGAMIST - A FOG OVER ITALY

BLUNDERBUSS - A COACH WHICH GOES FROM MELBOURNE
TO SYDNEY VIA PERTH

BRASSIERE - SOMETHING TO WARM YOUR HANDS ON

BRUSSELS SPROUTS - A WORLD FAMOUS STATUE FOUND IN THAT
CITY

CLIMATE - THE BEST THING TO DO WITH A LADDER

COPULATE - WHAT AN ITALIAN POLICE CHIEF SAYS TO AN OFFICER WHO DOESN'T GET TO WORK ON TIME

DETEST - THE WEST INDIES PLAYING INDIA

DIAPHRAGMS - TRAMPOLINES FOR DICKHEADS

ENGLISH GENT - ONE WHO GETS OUT OF THE BATH TO URINATE IN THE SINK

FAUCET - WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO IF THE TAP WON'T TURN

FLOOZIE - A SWEET GIRL WITH THE GIFT OF THE GRAB

GAELIC - AN IRISH LESBIAN

HORIZON - A CALL GIRL GETTING UP IN THE MORNING

HUMBUG - A SINGING COCKROACH

HYACINTH - A YANK GREETING A GAL NAMED CYNTHIA

INCEST - RELATIVELY BORING

INNUENDO - AN ITALIAN SUPPOSITORY

JEWISH DILEMMA - FREE PORK

LACTIC - A GRANDFATHER CLOCK WHICH DOESN'T WORK

MINE SHAFT - WHAT A GERMAN CALLS HIS PENIS

MONOLOGUE - A DISCUSSION BETWEEN MAN AND WIFE

ORGY - GROPE THERAPY

PEDESTRIAN - A MOTORIST WITH TEENAGE SONS

RACIAL DISPUTE - WHEN THE JUDGE CALLS FOR A PHOTO

RED RIDING HOOD - A RUSSIAN CONDOM

SELF DECEPTION - FAKING AN ORGASM DURING MASTURBATION

SITTING PRETTY - SITTING BULLS GAY BROTHER

SONATA - A SONG SUNG BY FRANK

SPECIMEN - AN ITALIAN ASTRONAUT

TEARJERKER - A BLOKE WHO CRIES WHILST MASTURBATING

VICE VERSA - DIRTY POETRY FROM ITALY

VIRGIN - A GIRL WHO WHISPERS SWEET NOTHING DOINGS
************************************************************

[JeffH]

You've done it again Basil.
Loved the Schitt family genealogy.

[Pedro]

:laugh2:  Brilliant Basil!

Pedro

[Unicorn]

:laugh2: .... Thanks Basil .... I needed that! :good:

[Basil]

These are a bit iffy but will throw them up before deleting.........

A Kiwi was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck.



Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.
Looking around, he realized they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.


One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.



As they sat there, the sheep started looking better
and better to the lonely Kiwi.
Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and.... put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her
and he slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening.. red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the Kiwi started to get 'those feelings' again.
He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and realizing he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman cautiously and whispered in her ear,

'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'
*********************************************************
Hurricane Shazza hit Port Adelaide in the early hours of Thursday 25th February 2010. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering 'Faaackinell'. The hurricane devastated the area, causing approximately $30 worth of damage. Three acres of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their Centrelink cheques arrived.

The Port Times reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Port Adelaide One resident - Tracy Maree Sharon Britney Madonna Smith, a 15-year-old mother of five said 'It was such a shock, my little daughter Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two Joachim and River slept through it all.'

Apparently, looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.
The Roof had blown off  the 'early opener' Pub. but the Owner has managed to put a Tent over the Taps to stop them getting hot.
The Australian Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Bacardi-Breezers and VB to the area to help the stricken locals.

Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including Health Care Cards, Fake Driving Licences,several Tatoo Guns,Jewellery from Kmart and Bone China from Big W.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.

Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include: flannelette Shirts, tight blue jeans or spandex, singlets (blue & white) white sport socks, uggh boots and any other items usually sold in Priceline or The Reject Shop. Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs urgently needed include: Microwave meals, Baked Beans, KFC, Ice cream, Chips, Fizzy drinks.

Your donations of $15.00 will be taken to buy a packet of Winfield Blue 25s and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.


* * * * *Breaking news* * * * *
The Port Adelaide Greek Orthodox Church has cancelled their local 'Nativity Display' Due to their inability to find three wise men or a virgin.
Please don't forward this to anyone living in Port Adelaide - oh, stuff it, they won't be able to read it, anyway

[JeffH]

What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old?
"Aye matey."

My boss arrived at work in a brand new Lamborghini. I said, "Wow, that's an amazing car."
He replied, "Sure is. And if you work hard, put in the hours and strive for excellence, I'll be able to get another one next year."

Have you ever noticed the irony of "hyphenated" and "non-hyphenated"?

I couldn't believe it when my son came home with two armchairs and a sofa.
I have told him a million times not to accept suites from strangers. (This one just for Uni.)

[Unicorn]

:laugh2: ...... and it was well worth it Jeff!!!

[JeffH]

Bruce and Trevor are beggars. They beg in different areas of Bondi. Bruce begs just as long as Trevor but only collects two to three dollars every day. Trevor brings home a suitcase full of $10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend. Bruce says to Trevor, ''I work just as long and hard as you do, so how do you manage to bring home a suitcase full of $10 notes every day?'' Trevor says, ''Look at your sign. What does it say?'' Bruce's sign reads ''I have no work, and have a wife and six kids to support''. Trevor says, ''No wonder you only get two or three dollars.'' Bruce says, 'So what does your sign say?' Trevor shows Bruce his sign. It reads, 'I only need another $10 to move back to New Zealand'.

(Awww, come on you Kiwis ... It's just a joke!)