The Laugh Thread

[Pedro]

:laugh2:

Pedro

[JeffH]

That's a good one.
I actually thought he rode a chariot.

[Goldseeker]

For the admin:   Can the above be put in a more appropriate discussion please.

[Nevol]

2 Posts relating to coin Storage issues have been moved to:
https://www.australian-coins.net/showthread.php?tid=4982

Bottom of page Posts No 15 & 16

[humpybong]

An 80-year old man goes for physical.  All tests come back with normal results.

The doctor says, "George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally?

Are you at peace with God?"

George replies, "God and I are tight.  He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get in up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom – poof!! - the light goes on.
When I'm done - poof!! - the light goes off."

"Wow, that's incredible," says the doctor.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife. "Ethel," he says, "George is doing fine, but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God.
Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof!! - the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done - poof!! - the light goes off?"
   
"Oh, my God!" Ethel exclaims, "He's pissing in the fridge again!"

[Unicorn]

:laugh2: ..... Excellent HB!

[Basil]

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

 

        He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know..., I just

        HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

 

        The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent.  We

        just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a  Chauffeur

        and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in

        his 2017 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of  your clothes.

 

        "Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected

        to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.

       

        This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to

        satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her  mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

       

        The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshi**tin' me!"

 

        The social worker said, "Yeah, well ... You started it."

[Unicorn]

:laugh2: .... 10/10 Basil!

[humpybong]

Have to agree...top marks for that one      :taunt:

[purplepennyhunter]

Someone who sits next to me (not naming names) at work was reading the latest Status International catalogue and commented on a British medal up for auction. Seen below is the medal "reward for good reading" and Mark  whoops says to me i thought it was for good beehive-our. Ha ha ha ha.

[Unicorn]

:laugh2: ... A top pun ...... I hope he didn't say that he'd combed the internet looking for something for his honey. :angel:  (Cause she's the bees knees).

[Triggersmob]

I've (or is that hive) heard of a spelling bee, but not a reading bee.

[Basil]

Most of us over 65 were HOME SCHOOLED - in many ways.

 

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL  DONE.

 

"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

 

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.

 

"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

 

3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL.

 

"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

 

4. My father taught me LOGIC.

 

" Because I said so, that's why   ."

 

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .

 

"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

 

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.

 

"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

 

7. My father taught me IRONY.

 

"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

 

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.

 

"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

 

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.

 

"Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

 

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.

 

"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

 

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.

 

"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

 

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.

 

"If I told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate!"

 

13. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.

 

"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out..."

 

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .

 

"Stop acting like your father!"

 

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.

 

"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

 

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.

 

"Just wait until we get home."

 

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING

 

"You are going to get it from your father when you get home!"

 

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.

 

"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

 

19. My mother taught me ESP.

 

"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

 

20. My father taught me HUMOR.

 

"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.."

 

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.

 

"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

 

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.

 

"You're just like your father."

 

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.

 

"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

 

24. My mother taught me WISDOM

 

"When you get to be my age, you'll understand.

 

25. My father taught me about JUSTICE .

 

"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

 

This should be sent only to the over 60 crowd because the younger ones would not believe we truly were told these "EXACT" words by our parents...

[Pedro]

:laugh2:

Heard a few of those in my time Basil!

Pedro

[humpybong]

Penguins
I never knew this!  

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica ?
 Where do they go?
 
 Wonder no more ! ! !
 It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered
and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well
as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
  
 If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle
have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole
is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.
 
 The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:


"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
 "Freeze a jolly good fellow."


You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?
 
 It's so easy to fool OLD people.
 Oh, quit whining - I fell for it, too!!