The Laugh Thread

[ausjack]

:laugh2: yes heard many of those as well Basil, not a bad lot mate :good:

Barry you are a shocker :laugh2:

[ausjack]

Low Battery:  A man saved his girlfriend's phone number on his  mobile as 'Low Battery'. Whenever she calls him, in his absence, his wife  takes the phone and plugs it into the charger. Give that man a medal

Government Survey: A government survey has shown that 91 percent of illegal immigrants come to Australia so that they can see their own  doctor.

Valentine's Day:  Just booked a table for Valentine's Day  for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though; she's lousy at snooker.

They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to  shift this beer belly.

[Unicorn]

:laugh2: ..... That makes it a hatrick for today fellas! Good stuff Basil, Barry & AJ!

[ausjack]

My pleasure Uni :hi:

[Unicorn]

[JeffH]

Sorry, I went to a business Christmas party tonight and only had one beer. So that complies with your pie chart.
The several red wines with the meal is what may have brought me undone!

[ausjack]

One part of me would love to down a few ales but then the other part says not a good idea as I'd hate to have a seizure and undo all my hard work over quite a few years so it would all have been for nothing so I envy those of you that can sink a few so please sink some for me when indulging and especially at this festive time of year :friends:

[Pedro]

Your pie chart representation has a ring of truth to it Uni!   :laugh2:

Pedro

[JeffH]

[Nevol]

Post your favorite (most memorable) movie lines. The Pink Panther
 
Clouseau: Does yer dewg bite?
 Inn Keeper: No
 Clouseau: Nice Doggy (bends down to pet a dachshund - it snarls and bites him)
 I thought you said yer dewg did not bite!
 Inn Keeper: Zat... iz not my dog!

[Basil]

I love this Doctor!

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it...don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiency. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So steak is nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you

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....loudly showing off his newly-leased downtown apartment to a couple of friends late one night, A drunk Maori led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong hanging on the wall.

'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the friend's asked.


'Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking Australian clock' he drunkenly replied.


'A talking Australian clock - seriously?'


'Yup.' 'Hmmm (hic).'


'How's it work?' the second friend asked, squinting at it.


'Just watch' he said.


He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an 'ear-shattering bash' and stepped back.

His three mates stood looking at one another for a moment in astounded silence.


Suddenly, an Australian voice from the other side of the wall screamed,


'For f*#k's sake, you stupid pri*#. It's ten past three in the f*#king morning !!!'

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Default
You know you're Australian if...

43 self identifying things that tell you you're Australian

1. You know the meaning of the word "girt".

2. You believe that stubbies can be either drunk or worn.

3. You think it's normal to have a leader called Kevin.

4. You waddle when you walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount vouchers stuffed in your wallet or purse.

5. You've made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something illegal such as watering the garden.

6. You believe it is appropriate to put a rubber in your son's pencil case when he first attends school.

7. When you hear that an American "roots for his team" you wonder how often and with whom.

8. You understand that the phrase "a group of women wearing black thongs" refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds.

9. You pronounce Melbourne as "Mel-bin".

10. You pronounce Penrith as "Pen-riff".

11. You believe the "l" in the word "Australia" is optional.

12. You can translate: "Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas."

13. You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.

14. You call your best friend "a total bastard" but someone you really, truly despise is just "a bit of a bastard".

15. You think "Woolloomooloo" is a perfectly reasonable name for a place.

16. You're secretly proud of our killer wildlife.

17. You believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as big as its $2 coin.

18. You understand that "Wagga Wagga" can be abbreviated to "Wagga" but "Woy Woy" can't be called "Woy".

19. You believe that cooked-down axlegrease makes a good breakfast spread.

20. You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis.

21. Hamburger. Beetroot. Of course.

22. You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of the Angels' song Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again.

23. You believe, as an article of faith, that the confectionery known as the Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year.

24. You still don't get why the "Labor" in "Australian Labor Party" is not spelt with a "u".

25. You wear ugh boots outside the house.

26. You believe, as an article of faith, that every important discovery in the world was made by an Australian but then sold off to the Yanks for a pittance.

27. You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you like them.

28. Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asian language.

29. You understand that "excuse me" can sound rude, while "scuse me" is always polite.

30. You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasion via your nose.

31. You understand that "you" has a plural and that it's "youse".

32. You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle.

33. Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules for beach cricket.

34. You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call "Anzac cookies".

35. You still think of Kylie as "that girl off Neighbours".

36. When returning home from overseas, you expect to be brutally strip-searched by Customs - just in case you're trying to sneak in fruit.

37. You believe the phrase "smart casual" refers to a pair of black tracky-daks, suitably laundered.

38. You understand that all train timetables are works of fiction.

39. When working on a bar, you understand male customers will feel the need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer.

40. You get choked up with emotion by the first verse of the national anthem and then have trouble remembering the second.

41. You find yourself ignorant of nearly all the facts deemed essential in the government's new test for migrants.

42. You know, whatever the tourist books say, that no one says "cobber".

43. And you will immediately forward this list to other Australians, here and overseas, realising that only they will understand.
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One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift..
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the
gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started..
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A Indian  dies and goes to heaven. He knocks on the pearly gates and tells St Peter "I'm here for Jesus."

St Peter turns around and yells "Hey Jesus, your taxi is here..."
***********************************************************************
Scientists have found that many women develop "Hoover's Disease" after a year of marriage. They make a continuous whining noise but don't suck anymore.
***********************************************************************
A girl in a pub points at a guys beer gut, and says "what is that, vb or tooheys ?" He says "no idea, but there is a tap underneath if you wan't a taste !"
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I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 66).

We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours - green, red, orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at her.

The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked: "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; I knew he would have a good one!

In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid ............

"Got stoned once and screwed a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my daughter."
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These glorious insults are from an era before the English language changed to 4-letter words.


The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:

She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."

He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

=================================================


A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."


"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

=================================================


"He had delusions of adequacy."

Walter Kerr

===============================================


"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

Winston Churchill

===============================================


"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow

=============================================


"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."

William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

==============================================


"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

===============================================


"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

=================================================


"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.."

Oscar Wilde

==================================================


"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one."

George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

================================================== =

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second .... if there is one."

Winston Churchill's response

================================================== ==


"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."

Stephen Bishop

================================================== =


"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."

John Bright

================================================== =


"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."

Irvin S. Cobb

================================================== ==


"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."

Samuel Johnson

================================================== =


"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."

Paul Keating

==================================================


"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."

Charles, Count Talleyrand

==================================================


"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."

Forrest Tucker

==================================================


"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"

Mark Twain

================================================== =


"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."

Mae West

================================================== ==


"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.."

Oscar Wilde

================================================== ===


"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts ... for support rather than illumination."

Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

================================================== ====


"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."

Billy Wilder

================================================== =====


"I've hve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."

Groucho Marx
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Two blokes were out walking home from work one afternoon.
"Shit," said the first bloke, "as soon as I get home, I'm gonna rip the
wife's knickers off!"
"What's the rush?" his mate asked.
"The bloody elastic in the legs is killing me."
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[Pedro]

:laugh2:  Christmas cheer that arrived early! Well done Basil.

Pedro

[humpybong]

:yahoo:     :yahoo:     :yahoo:     :yahoo:

[Basil]

1. My goal for 2017 was to lose 10 kilos. Only 15 to go.
2. Ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. FINE, it was a pizza. I ate a pizza.
3. How to prepare Tofu:
a. Throw it in the trash
b. Grill some meat
4. I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.
5. I don't mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food in 3 hours and 20 minutes.
6. A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.
7. Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
8. Senility has been a smooth transition for me.
9. Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero outside they closed school? Nah, me either.
10. I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented. I forgot where I was going with this.
11. I love being over 65. I learn something new every day and forget 5 others.
12. A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him.
13. I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
14. Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed.
***************************************
Confucius Did Not Say...
Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient.
Passionate kiss like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
Lady who goes camping with man must beware of evil intent.
Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
Man who runs in front of car gets tired, but man who runs behind car gets exhausted.
Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right; it determines who is left.
Man who fights with wife all day get no piece at night..
It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it.
Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Wise man doe not keep sledge hammer and slow computer in same room.
   


Why Men Have Better Friends

Friendship between Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship between Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends, eight of which confirmed that he had slept over, and two said that he was still there.
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During a Parliament House dinner, Chloe Shorten leaned over to chat with
Governor General Sir Peter Cosgrove.

"I bought Bill a parrot for his birthday, she gushed, That bird is so smart,
Bill has already taught him to say over two hundred words!"

That's very impressive," said Cosgrove, "But, you do realise he just speaks
the words. He doesn't really understand what they all mean."

"Oh, I know," replied Chloe, But neither does the parrot."
***************************************

[Pedro]

:good: Love your work Basil

Pedro