The Laugh Thread

[Unicorn]

That means we'd be excluded from there then AJ? :winkextra:

[ausjack]

True Uni, maybe a naughty person then

[Pedro]

I thought you were trying to be good AJ? :mocking:

Pedro

[Basil]

I'm having withdrawal symptoms with no Sunday Football so will throw these up............................

Little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners." "Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money" and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of manure onto her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
"Well," she said, "I hope you have a damned good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."
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A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother andstarted back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating,"Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere
with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I'veever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied..."My wife's first husband."
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A little bit of Aussie culcha.....

Rural Australian Computer Terminology
LOG ON: Adding wood to make the barbie hotter.
LOG OFF: Not adding any more wood to the barbie.
MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the barbie.
DOWNLOAD: Getting the firewood off the Ute.
HARD DRIVE: Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies.
KEYBOARD: Where you hang the Ute keys.
WINDOW: What you shut when the weather's cold.
SCREEN: What you shut in the mozzie season.
BYTE: What mozzies do.
MEGABYTE: What Townsville mozzies do.
CHIP: A bar snack.
MICROCHIP: What's left in the bag after you've eaten the chips.
MODEM: What you did to the lawns.
LAPTOP: Where the cat sleeps.
SOFTWARE: Plastic knives & forks you get at Red Rooster...
HARDWARE: Stainless steel knives & forks - from K-Mart.
MOUSE: The small rodent that eats the grain in the shed.
MAINFRAME: What holds the shed up.
WEB: What spiders make.
WEBSITE: Usually in the shed or under the verandah.
SEARCH ENGINE: What you do when the Ute won't go.
CURSOR: What you say when the Ute won't go.
YAHOO: What you say when the Ute does go.
UPGRADE: A steep hill.
SERVER: The person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.
MAIL SERVER: The bloke at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.
USER: The neighbour who keeps borrowing things.
NETWORK: What you do when you need to repair the fishing net.
INTERNET: Where you want the fish to go.
NETSCAPE: What the fish do when they discover the hole in the net.
ONLINE: Where you hang the washing.

OFFLINE: Where the washing ends up when the pegs aren't strong enough
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Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink by any woman.

Many females use a date-rape-drug on the market called ' Beer ' .

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large kegs..

Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them.

A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several Beers , men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking Beer , men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that 'something bad' occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship' . In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as 'marriage'.

Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please forward this warning to every male you know.

If you fall victim to this ' Beer ' scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.

For the support group nearest you, just look up RUGBY CLUB in the phone book.
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On the funny side of things; Australia Post has created a new stamp with a picture of the Prime Minister of Australia, Kevin Rudd.The stamp was not sticking to envelopes. This enraged the Prime Minister, who demanded a full investigation.

After a month of testing and spending of $1.73 million, a special commission presented the following findings:

1. The stamp is in perfect order.

2. There is nothing wrong with the adhesive.

3. People are spitting on the wrong side of the stamp. .
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The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech
and walked out into the lobby where he met President Trump
They warily shook hands, and as they walked the Iranian said,
"You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America ."

President Trump said, "Well, anything I can do to help you, I will"

The Iranian whispered "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there is Chekhov who is Russian,

Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is Black and Sulu who is Japanese, but no Muslims.

My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Syrians or Lebanese on Star Trek."

President Trump laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador, and whispered back,
"That's because it takes place in the future."
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IRISH BLONDE An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived at the casino and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm 'completely nude'.With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed....'YES, YES, I WON, I WON!'
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'
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A blonde was shopping at a Target Store and came across a silver thermos.
She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and brought it over to the clerk to ask what it was. The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos.....it keeps things hot and some things cold." "Wow", said the blonde,"That's amazing.... I'm going to buy it !" So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss saw it on her desk. "What's that," he asked?
"Why, that's a thermos.....it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied. Her boss inquired, What do you have in it?
The blond replied..........."Two popsicles, and some coffee."
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A little boy was sitting on the footpath with a bottle of Turpentine. He was shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.

A Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.

The little boy said, 'This is the most powerful liquid in the world; it's called Turpentine.'

The Priest said, 'No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby.'

The little boy replied, 'If you rub turpentine on a cat's arse, he'll pass a Harley Davidson !'
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CHINESE SICK LEAVE: 'I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!'

Hung Chow calls his work and says, 'Hey, I no come wok today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and
legs hurt, I no come work.'

The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to
my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.

'Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon.........You got
nice house.'
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Kiwi farmer  walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

The wife, laying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."

The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."
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A little girl was with her Mum at a wedding, and she asked her:

"Mummy, why is the bride wearing a white dress?"

Her Mum whispers:

"Darling, that's to show that she is pure of heart, and that it's the happiest day of her life."

The little girl thinks for a while and then says:

"So why is the groom wearing black?"
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Sister Catherine and Sister Helen are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What do we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the little abomination," says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula around a little but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"What do I do now?" she shouts.

"Switch on the windshield washers. I filled it up with Holy Water from the Vatican," says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine.

"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Catherine.

She opens the window and shouts, "Get the f**k off the windshield!"
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A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.

St. Peter asks the first girl, "Jessica, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis?"The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one."St. Peter says, "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line.When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?"The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her ass in it."
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Q. How does a kiwi find his sheep in long grass?
A. Quite Pleasant

Q.Why can't Kiwi blokes take their girlfriends to the Rugby?
A.They eat all the grass.

An Australian was walking down a country road in New Zealand, when he happened to glance over the fence and see a farmer goin' at it with a sheep.

The Aussie is quite taken aback by this, so he climbs the fence and walks over to the farmer.

He taps him on the shoulder and says, "You know mate, back home, we shear those!"

The New Zealander looks frantically around and says, "I'm not bloody SHEARING this with no one!"

The crisis of the ship containing 50,000 Australian sheep in the Persian Gulf has been solved. The ship has been redirected to New Zealand and renamed "The Love Boat".

A man was found by police laying dead on his front lawn wearing an All Blacks top, pink panties and a dildo up his arse. The police removed the All Blacks top to save his family further embarrassment.

What's geographically wrong with New Zealand? It's above sea level

There were three people in a boat, 1 chinaman, 1 new zealander, and 1 aussie. The boat began to sink, so they threw out cargo they didn't need. The chinaman threw out some rice, saying

"we've got heaps of rice in china" the nz'er threw out a sheep saying "we've got heaps of sheep in nz" and the aussie threw out the new zealander saying "we've got heaps of these in Australia".

A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a shandy. All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see another visitor from the Northern Beaches of Sydney. The barman

says, "You ain't from around here, are ya bro?" The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada." The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?" The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist." The bartender says, "A tixidermist? What the hick is a tixidermist? Do you drive a tixi?"

"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals." The bartender grins and yells, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."

Three maori's are in a ford falcon, one has a red bandana another a blue bandana and the last one has a moustache, which one's driving? The Cop

Have you spent years trying and failing to understand what New Zealanders are saying?

Just by following these easy steps and you too can hold a conversation with a New Zealander.

What you hear and what it really means:

BETTING : "Betting Gloves" are worn by betsmen in crucket.

BRIST : Part of the human anatomy between the "nick" and the "billy"

BUGGER : As in "mine is bugger than yours".

BUN BUTTUN - been bitten by insect

BUG HUT - popular recording

CHULLY BUN : Also known as an Esky

DIMMER KRETZ : Those who believe in democracy.

ERROR BUCK : Language spoken in countries like "Surria", E-Jupp" and "Libernon".

EKKA DYMOCKS : University staff

GUESS : Flammable vapour used in stoves.

LEATHER - foam from soap

SENDLES : Thongs, open shoes

COLOUR : Terminator, murderer.

CUSS : Kiss

DUCK HID : Term of abuse directed mainly at males.

PHAR LAP : NZ's famous horse which was actually christened "PHILLIP".

ERROR ROUTE : As in "Arnotts mulk error route buskets".

FITTER CHENEY : A type of long flat pasta not to be confused with "rugger tony".

PISSED aside - chemical that kills insects

PIGS - for hanging out washing

PUGS - pink animal with curly tail
Cheers ay bro!!
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Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example the other day I went into town and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and starting writing another ticket for having worn tyres. So I called him a s...head.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, I didn't care. I came into town by BUS.
I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.
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At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness.

"Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted $5,000 to compromise this case?"

The witness stared out the window as though he hadn't heard the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted $5,000 to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.

The witness still did not respond. Finally, the judge leaned over and said: "Sir, please answer the question."

"Oh," the startled witness said: "I thought he was talking to you."
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[ausjack]

I thought you were trying to be good AJ? :mocking:

Pedro

:blush2: yes you know I wanna be good Pedro, just doesn't work for me on the very rare occasion, ok would you believe some of the time, ok would you believe most of the time, damn it would you believe all of the time :mocking:

[JeffH]

You're starting to sound like Maxwell Smart with all the "would you believe".

[ausjack]

I knew some people would make the connection Jeff

[JeffH]

"One size fits all". A very optomistic claim from Best and Less.
The mind boggles.

[Unicorn]

Mother Superior called all the Nuns together and announced:   "We have a case of Gonorrhea in the Convent."
 
"Praise the Lord", said an old Nun at the back;  "I am so tired of Chardonnay"

[autocoupler]

:laugh2: :laugh2: love it uni

[Basil]

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have 　
Remained a virgin.'



　

- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)



　

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I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'



　

- Eleanor Roosevelt
 

　
 

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Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen.. 　
I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.



　

- Mark Twain



　

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The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending;
And to have the two as close together as possible.



　

- George Burns



　

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Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.



　

- Victor Borge



　

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Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.



　

- Mark Twain



　

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By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, 　
You'll become a philosopher.



　

- Socrates



　

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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.



　

- Groucho Marx



　

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My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.



　

- Jimmy Durante



　

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I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.



　

- Zsa Zsa Gabor



　

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Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: 　
Alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.



　

- Alex Levine



　

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My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.



　

- Rodney Dangerfield



　

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Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.



　

- Spike Milligan



　

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Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.



　

- Joe Namath



　

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I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.



　

- Bob Hope



　

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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.



　

- W. C. Fields



　

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We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.



　

- Will Rogers



　

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Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.



　

- Winston Churchill



　

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Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out, 　
Fall out, or spread out.



　

- Phyllis Diller



　

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By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.



　

- Billy Crystal



　

And the cardiologist's diet:　if it tastes good spit it out.



　

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May your troubles be less, may your blessings be more, and
may nothing but happiness come through your door.

[ausjack]

:laugh2: there's some good one's there Basil :good:

[JeffH]

•Which letter is silent in the word ''Scent,'' the S or the C?
•Do twins ever realise that one of them is unplanned?
•Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?
•Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and it just takes 75-100 years to fully work?
•How is it, that if you rip a hole in a net, there are actually fewer holes in it than there were before?

[Unicorn]

:laugh2: On ya Jeff!!!  Sunday's always a good day to catch up with the ironying.

[Unicorn]