The Laugh Thread

[Basil]

The budget airline plane leaves JFK airport under the control of a Jewish Captain.His co-pilot is Chinese.  It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.  Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish Captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters,
"I don't like Chinese..."
"No rike Chinese?" asks the co-pilot, "Why not?"
"You people bombed Pearl Harbour, that's why."
"No, no", the co-pilot protests, "Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah.  That Japanese, not Chinese."
"Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese.  Doesn't matter, you're all alike."
There's a few minutes of silence ...
"I no rike Jews", the co-pilot suddenly announces.
"Oh yeah, why not?" asks the captain.
"Jews sink Titanic," says the co-pilot.
"What?  That's insane.  Jews didn't sink the Titanic," exclaims the captain, "It was an iceberg."

"Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , no mattah ... all frucking same."

[Basil]

Ahmed came to Australia from the Middle East, and he was only
here a few months when he became very ill.

He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him.

Finally, he went to an Arab doctor who said, "Take dees bocket, go into de odder room, shit in de bocket, piss on de shit, and den put your head down over de bocket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes."

Ahmed took the bucket, went into the other room, shat in the bucket, pissed on the shit, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.

Coming back to the doctor he said, "It worked. I feel terrific! What was wrong with me?"

The doctor said, "You were homesick."
*************************************************************
The cops raided a brothel in Kings Cross. In one of the booths they found an Asian bloke bonking like crazy. "What's your name?"

"My name is Ting"

In the next room they found another Asian bloke sitting quietly in a shabby armchair. "And what's your name?"

"My name is Ting"

"Oh yeah", said the sergeant suspiciously. "How come we've just arrested Ting in the room next door?"

"He is Ru Ting. I am Wah Ting".
***************************************************************
A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known spot. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.

The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine.

He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.

The young man lowers his window. 'Uh, yes, Officer?'

The cop says: 'What are you doing?'

The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine..'

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: 'And her, what is she doing?'

The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails.'

Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane...and nothing obscene is happening!

The cop asks: 'What's your age, young man?'

The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir.'

The cop asks: 'And her...what's her age?'

The young man looks at his watch and replies: 'She'll be 16 in 11 minutes.'
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In a recent survey carried out for a leading toiletries
firm (Brut), people from Detroit and Chicago have proved to be the most
likely to have had sex in the shower!

In the survey, 86% of Detroit's and Chicago's inner
city residents said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.






The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison yet.
********************************************************
TRAIN TICKET

Three women and three men are travelling by train to the football

game..

At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch

as the three women buy just one ticket.

'How are the three of you going to travel on only one

ticket?' asks one of the men.

'Watch and learn,' answers one of the women.

They all board the train. The three men take their

respective seats but all three women cram into a toilet

together and close the door.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes

around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door

and says, 'Ticket, please.'

The door ope ns just a crack, and a single arm emerges with

a ticket in hand.

The conductor takes it and moves on.

The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever

idea; so, after the game, they decide to do the same

thing on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for

the return trip but see, to their astonishment, that the

three women don't buy any ticket at all!!

'How are you going to travel without a ticket?' asks one

perplexed man.

'Watch and learn,' answer the women.

When they board the train, the three men cram themselves

into a toilet, and the three women cram into a toilet

just down the way.

Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the women

leaves her toilet and walks over to the toilet in which

the men are hiding. She knocks on their door and says,

'Ticket please.'

I'm still trying to figure out why men think they are

smarter than women.
***************************************************************
ILLBILLY DIVORCE
A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer. The lawyer said, 'How can I help you?' The farmer said, 'I want to get one of them dayvorces.'

The lawyer said, 'Do you have any grounds?' The farmer said, 'Yes, I got 40 acres' The lawyer said, 'No, No, you don't understand, Do you have a suit?

The farmer said, 'Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays.' The lawyer said, 'No, no, I mean, do you have a case?' The farmer said, 'No, I ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deere.

The lawyer said, 'No, I mean, do you have a grudge?' The farmer said,'Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parks the John Deere'

The lawyer said, 'Does your wife beat you up or something?' The farmer said, 'No, we both get up at 4:30.'

By now the lawyer is getting frustrated but tries one last question ..The lawyer said, 'Is your wife a nagger?' The farmer said, 'No, she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants a dayvorce.'
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Two black guys are at a bar talking, one says to the other, "you ever notice after you have sex with a white woman that your eyes burn, your nose burns and you get all teary-eyed?"


The second black guy says, "yeah, all the time." The other says, "why is that?"


The second says, "I think it's the pepper spray they carry."
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ONE LINERS

A boy asked his father, Daddy, how much does it cost to get married? And the father replied, I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it.

A boy asked his father, Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.
 
A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes.

A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."

A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same : "You can have mine."

A man rushed home from work and exclaimed to his wife. "Pack your bags, I've won the lottery!" The wife excitedly asks, "Should I pack clothes for cold or warm weather? " He says, "Pack them all, you're leaving!"

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it since the thief was spending much less than his wife did.

A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman - and then, BAM!, it was all gone!" "What happened?" asked his friend. "My wife found out..."

A man, upon his engagement, went to his father and said," Dad! I've found a woman just like mother" His father replied, "So what do you want? sympathy?"

A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.
 
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

A woman had an artist paint a portrait of her covered with jewels. Her explanation: "If I die and my husband remarries, I want his next wife to go mad looking for the jewels."
 
A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend. "A billionaire." she replied.

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me.

As you grow older, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy...

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
 
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish ...
 
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?

Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife.

Cosmetics: A woman's means for keeping a man from reading between the lines.

Do you know what they call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? -- A widow.

Do you know why women fake orgasm? Because men fake foreplay.
 
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Getting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that instead.

Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...Almost Lifelike!

How do most men define marriage?
A very expensive way to get your laundry done for free.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
 
I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell until I met you.

I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and father, I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.
 
If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here.

It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
 
It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
 
I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After meeting you, I've changed my mind.

Just then there was a knock on the door. I knew it was the wife's mother because the mice were throwing themselves on the traps.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What the hell was I thinking about?

Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
 
Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he's really finished.

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's.

Marriage is grand - but divorce is about 10 grand.

Marriage is a three ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. A Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

Mixed feelings is when you see your mother-in-law drive over a cliff in your new car.

My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.

My wife told me I should be more affectionate. So now I have a wife and a girlfriend.

Research has shown that today's most common form of marriage proposal is: "You're WHAT!?"..

Some people think life begins at conception, while others think life begins at birth. But some believe that life begins when the kid moves out and the dog he left behind dies.

Someday I hope to get married, but not to you.

Thanks for being a part of my life!!!I never knew what evil was before this!

The honeymoon is over when the husband calls home to say he'll be late for dinner and the answer machine says it's in the microwave.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
 
The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.

The wife said, "How would you like to speak to Mummy?" - I said, "Through a spiritualist".'

There isn't a word for marriage - it's a sentence.

We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits.

What's the difference between a wife and a condom? Nothing, they both spend too much time in your wallet and not enough on your dick.

What is the difference between your wife and your job? After 5 years your job still sucks!

When a man opens the door of the car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

When a newly married man looks happy everyone knows why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy - everyone wonders why.

When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise.

Wife, proudly to her husband, "You know dear, I can still get into the same skirts I had before we got married." Husband, tersely, "I wish I still could!"

You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.
 
You have two choices in life: you can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
 
You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she.

Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday ---so we're having you put to sleep.
 
How do you stop a woman from giving you a blow job? Marry her.

How do you make your wife scream when you're having sex? Phone her ....

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Little Kathy came home from school yesterday & told her mummy she saw little Johnny's penis today. OMG the mother said, that's appalling. Little Kathy said it reminded her of a peanut.

Her mother said ..what was it small?

No Kathy replied

It was salty!
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On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher. The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers. The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.



Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she guessed.



"No," the boy replied.



She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?



"No," said the little boy...... "It's a puppy!"
**********************************************************
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion,
so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.

Everything was an emergency; she was a drama
queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide.
So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was
boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited
about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I
needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't
keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another,
never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things
and made me miserable as often as happy. She was
great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So
I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her
feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was
so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I
owned.

I am older and wiser now, and am looking for a girl with big tits.
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Two Australian businessmen in Brisbane were sitting down for a break in their new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with no stock and only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling'.

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Japanese tourist walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Japanese accent asked
'What you sell?'
One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling arse-holes.'

Without skipping a beat, the Japanese man said,
'You doing velly well, only two left'.
**************************************************************
A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a beer.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair -- given that you are blind

-- that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. "Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
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Default
LETTER OF RECOMMENDATION


Trevor Adams, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Trevor works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Trevor never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Trevor is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field.. I firmly believe that Trevor can be
classed as a high-calibre employee, the type that cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I truly recommend that Trevor be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.


Addendum......
The idiot was looking over my shoulder while I wrote this report.
Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.
******************************************************
FOR SALE - GREAT PRICE ALMOST A GIVEAWAY!!!!!

AUSTRALIAN MANUFACTURED CABINET FOR SALE
Cabinet for Sale - details below




DISPLAY CABINET, one of the most elegant and functional display cabinets currently on the market, used to hold all the Australian sporting trophies

Features
. Fine timber details

. 4 leadlight options

. 4 side access doors (there is maximum frontal display)

. Adjustable shelves are extra deep to accommodate large items

. Halogen down lights

. Mirror back with glass shelves provide max illumination of collectables from top to bottom



To give indication of size of the Cabinet it previously held the following:


. Rugby League World Cup

. Rugby Union World Cup

. International Rules Trophy

. Tri Nations Trophy

. Super-12 Trophy

. Trans-Tasman Touch Football Trophy

. Davis Cup

. Hockey World Championship Trophy

. Various Cricket Trophy's

. The Ashes


plus the

. Bledisloe Cup.

. 2008-2009 SA / Aust Cricket Tests

. 2009 SA/Australia One Day Series


All these trophies are now overseas and the Cabinet is excess to requirements.

To make an offer call R. Stuart, R. Ponting, S Mortlock or P. Fitzsimons who once commented "...the Australian Cabinet is groaning under the weight of all the trophies!"

They can be contacted on: 1800-LOST-THE-LOT
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CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the
Mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She
Says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburettor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?
******************************************************
Advantages of living after 50 !



Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too. Don't laugh......it is all true...

Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!


01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

03. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

04. People call at 9 pm and ask,"did I wake you?"

05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

07. Things you buy now won't wear out.

08. You can eat supper at 4 pm.

09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15 . Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19. You can't remember who sent you this list.

20.And everything is needed to be in Big Print for your convenience.
and.......................................................
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
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[Pedro]

A laugh or three to start the day! Thanks Basil.

Pedro

[Basil]

Thanks Pedro,i put a space between all the 'óne liners' to make them easier to read but somewhere between the copy and paste 'Word' removed them.I'll fix up it up this afternoon.

[Basil]

Nurses Aren't Supposed To Laugh.......

'Okay then,' said Tim, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest
'man-thingy' the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger
than a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing.

Ten minutes later, she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure.

'I am so sorry,' she said. 'I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse
and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?'

'It's swollen,' Tim replied.

She ran out of the room.
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Why Men don't write advice columns...

Dear Harold the Helper.


I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbours daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbours daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past
six months.

I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was sacked from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely, Sheila

-------------------------------


Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no dirt in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps.
Harold the Helper....
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Little Johnnie's teacher asked him how his weekend was.

"Horribly, a car hit my dog in the ass," he said.

"Rectum," she corrected.

"Wrecked him?" Johnnie said. "Damn near killed him!"
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I don't remember, what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying: 'No hard feelings....'

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men:
'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge.
If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small...

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Q: What's an Australian kiss?
A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14.

15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.

16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying: 'Don't take your troubles to bed'.
Many men still sleep with their wives!!
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A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'

He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said, 'That was incredible!'

He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps.

After seventy-five laps she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.

He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'

'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Mildura, but I worked both sides of the Murray !!!
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The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees. The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.


Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car. They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.


The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office where he offered them $3 million for the patent. The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having the label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed. Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords. They haggled back and forth for about two hours, and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.


And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max on the controls.


So, now you know...
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......a man, in a panic, rings the doctor and says, "doctor I don't know what to do, my son has swallow a condom"...
he rings the doctor back 5 minutes later and says "Doc, its ok I found another one"
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A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at three in the morning, at which time he is extremely drunk. After leaving the bar, he returns home on foot.

When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs though, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his back. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke; the broken glass carved up his back terribly. Yet, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt.

A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up terribly. He then repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.

The next morning, his head was hurting, his back was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.

"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"

"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."

"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where did you go?"

"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"

"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."
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Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They managed to bag 6.

As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take
only 4 moose.

The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take
them all and he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.

However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down. Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?"

Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

**************************************************************************
Julia Gillard is touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car. Suddenly, a cow jumps out onto the road, they hit it full on and the car comes to a stop. Julia in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur: "You get out and check - you were driving".
The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead. "You were driving; go and tell the farmer", says Julia.
Five hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big grin on his face.
"My god, what happened to you?" asks Julia. The chauffeur replies, "When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap up meal and the daughter made love to me".
"What on earth did you say?" asks Julia. "I knocked on the door, and when it was answered, I said to them, "I'm Julia Gillard's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow".
******************************************************************************
Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street. They pass a flower shop where the redhead sees her boyfriend buying flowers.
The redhead sighs and says, "Oh crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again."
The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "You don't like getting flowers from your boyfriend?"
The redhead replies, "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."
The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"
*********************************************************************
fter 20 rears of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.
He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He then continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch the TV.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing she asked in a loving voice "that was wonderful, why did you stop?"
He said "I found the remote"
****************************************************************************
There was an old man named Bill, and one of the things he most enjoyed was playing golf with his old buddy Fred. Bill's wife always commented on how happy he looked after a game.
But one day he came home from their weekly game looking terrible and very tired. His wife asked, "What's the matter, Bill? You always seem so happy after golf and you look miserable right now."
Bill said, "Well, something terrible happened. Fred had a heart attack on the first hole." "My God, honey!" said the wife, rushing to comfort him. "That must've been terrible!"
"It was," he said. "All day long it was: hit the ball, drag Fred to the ball, and then hit it again..."




A golfer stands over his tee shot for what seems an eternity to his partner. He looks up, looks down, measures the distance and figures the wind direction and speed. The longer he takes, the more his partner fidgets.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball." The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Forget it, man," the partner says. "You'll never hit her from here."
*******************************************************************
A farmhand is driving around the farm, checking the fences. After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, "Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the bull-bars of my truck. He's still wriggling.
What should I do?" "In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush." The farm worker says okay and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back. "Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush." "So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped. "The blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing!"
**********************************************************************
Default
Q. What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common?
A. They both want to know where the hell those Tomahawks are coming from!

Q: What is the best Iraqi job?
A: Foreign ambassador.

Q: Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots?
A. You only have to teach them to take off.

Q. How do you play Iraqi bingo?
A. B-52...F-16...B-2...F-117...B-1.

Q: What is Iraq's national bird?
A: Duck.

Q: What's the difference between Aeroflot and the Scud Missile?
A: Aeroflot has killed more people.

Q: How is Saddam like Fred Flintstone?
A: Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.

Q: Why does the Iraqi Navy have glass bottom boats?
A: So they can see their Air Force.

Q. Did you hear that Saddam Hussein won the toss?
A. He elected to receive.
****************************************************************
Sign over a gynecologist's office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

On a Plumbers truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

On the trucks of a local plumbing company in Newcastle:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

Pizza shop slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."

At a tyre shop in Geelong:
"Invite us to your next blowout."

Door of a plastic surgeon's office:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

At a laundry shop:
"How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close
the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?"

At a towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

On an electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

In a nonsmoking area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a maternity room door:
"Push. Push. Push."

At an optometrist's office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."

In a podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."

On a fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

At a car dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

Outside a muffler shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

At the electric company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't,you will be."

In a restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up."

In the front yard of a funeral home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
****************************************************************
The scene is a newspaper office. The editor says to one of his reporters: There's a fire raging out of control west of town and I want you to get out there fast - and above all, get some good shots. If that means you have to hire an airplane, do it. Don't worry about the expense. So, the reporter calls the local FBO & orders a plane.
He rushes out to the airport, spots a small aircraft with a young pilot in it, pulls open the door, jumps in and says to the pilot: Let's go, take off. As directed, the pilot takes off, gets up to altitude, and the reporter then tells him: See that fire raging to the west?
I want you to fly over that and get down as close as you can. Incredulous, the pilot says: You want me to fly over that fire? Sure, the reporter says, I am a photojournalist and that's why I am here--to take dramatic shots of the fire! The pilot looks over with a quizzical look on his face and says: You're not the flight instructor?
******************************************************************************
On the night of their honeymoon, a newlywed couple had an unfortunate accident, resulting in the amputation of the groom's left foot. Unable to control her grief, the bride called her mother from the hospital.

"Mother", she sobbed, "My husband has only one foot."

The mother, trying to console her daughter said, "That's alright dear, your father has only six inches."
*************************************************************************
A guy is driving around the back roads of Mena Creek and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house:
'Talking Dog for Sale'
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says
'So, what's your story?'


The Lab looks up and says,
'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'


'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar, he never did any of that shit.
****************************************************************
Hot & Cold Sex

After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man: 'You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?'

'In fact, I do,' said the old man. ' After I have sex I am usually cold and chilly, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty.'

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: 'Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?'

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said to her: 'Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?'

'Oh that crazy old fart,' she replied. 'That's because the first time is usually in June and the second time is in December.'
*******************************************************************

[JeffH]

A letter to the editor in the SMH today...
"Turnbull's lame policy initiative on electricity is all bluster and very unlikely to do much for consumers. It's mostly tinkering around the edges. But that's his way. Avoid upsetting his business mates at all cost. I wonder what he plans to do next though to reduce energy bills: Maybe group prayer sessions? Paint electricity poles in happy bright colours? What a sophisticated government we have."

George Mercier Bondi
(My emphasis.)

Rainbow coloured poles. What a great idea and that would tie in nicely with the stupid marriage postal survey. :taunt:
Hideous Electrical Tower Upcycled Into A Rainbow

And some of these traffic lights would be rather cool Too.

[triplewitch]

Husband takes the wife to her high school reunion. After meeting several of her friends and former school mates, they are sitting at a table where he is yawning and overly bored.

The band cranks up and people are beginning to dance. There's a guy on the dance floor really living it up, break dancing, moon walking, back flips, buying drinks for people, the works.

Wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? Twenty-five years ago, he proposed to me and I turned him down."

Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!"

[JeffH]

I went to the liquor store on Friday afternoon on my bicycle, bought a bottle of Scotch and put it in the bicycle basket. As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break. So I drank all the Scotch before I cycled home. It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.

[Pedro]

:laugh2:

Pedro

[trout]

I went to the liquor store on Friday afternoon on my bicycle, bought a bottle of Scotch and put it in the bicycle basket. As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break. So I drank all the Scotch before I cycled home. It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.

I'll drink to that :laugh2:

[Basil]

Studies have demonstrated that Kiwi's have the lowest stress rate because they do not understand most medical terminology ...

 

 

Medical Term
 New Zealand Definition
 
Artery
 The study of paintings
 
Bacteria
 Back door to cafeteria
 
Barium
 What doctors do when patients die
 
Benign
 What you be, after you be eight
 
Caesarean Section
 A neighborhood in Rome
 
Cat scan
 Searching for Kitty
 
Cauterize
 Made eye contact with her
 
Colic
 A sheep dog
 
Coma
 A punctuation mark
 
Dilate
 To live long
 
Enema
 Not a friend
 
Fester
 Quicker than someone else
 
Fibula
 A small lie
 
Impotent
 Distinguished, well known
 
Labor Pain
 Getting hurt at work
 
Medical Staff
 A Doctor's cane
 
Morbid
 A higher offer

 
 
Nitrates
 Rates of Pay for Working at Night,
Normally more money than Days
 
Node
 I knew it
 
Outpatient
 A person who has fainted
 
Pelvis
 Second cousin to Elvis
 
Post Operative
 A letter carrier
 
Recovery Room
 Place to do upholstery
 
Rectum
 Nearly killed him
 
Secretion
 Hiding something
 
Seizure
 Roman Emperor
 
Tablet
 A small table
 
Terminal Illness
 Getting sick at the airport
 
Tumor
 One plus one more
 
Urine
 Opposite of you're out

[ausjack]

:laugh2:

[Unicorn]

Yes, on par with your usual excellence Basil ..... :laugh2:.... keep it up!

[Basil]

Thanks AJ & Uni.,i have a feeling i've posted that joke before but it was Irish and not NZ.??

I've got several years of Jokes from another Forum on my Computer,problem is you have to got thru them all to delete unsuitable ones and it takes time but i'll eventually get there.

[ausjack]

We should have an adult only section :winkextra: