The Laugh Thread

[Pedro]

:laugh2: Some more crackers in there Basil!!

Pedro

[Basil]

A few more......

An American, an Englishman, and an Australian were sitting in a bar enjoying a few beers. The American grabbed his beer, knocked it back in one gulp, then he threw the glass into the air and shot it with his handgun. As he set the handgun on the bar, he told the Englishman and the Australian that in the great U.S. of A, they had so much money they never drank out of the same glass twice. Next the Australian drank his beer, threw the glass into the air and shot the glass with the American's gun. As he was setting the gun back on the bar he proclaimed that in Australia they had so much sand that glass was cheap and he too never drank out of the same glass twice. Next the Englishman drank his beer, grabbed the gun off the bar, and shot the Australian. As he was setting the gun back on the bar, he said that in England we have so many Australians we never have to drink with the same ones twice.
***********************************************************
A business man from New York decided to quit his job and move to a Farm he had inherited in Kentucky.
 One day while out riding his horse, he came across
another man on horseback. The man told him he was his next door neighbor
and he was having a get-together the coming weekend. He said: I have to
warn you though, there will be alot of drinking at this party. The city
slicker said no problem. There will also be sex going on. No problem he
responded. Well, There will probably be some fighting too. I think I can
handle myself, claimed the new neighbor. As he rode off, he turned and
asked the party host. "By the way, what should I wear at the party" The
man, responded "Oh, it don't matter, It's only going to be me and you!"
****************************************************************
Two guys are drinking in a bar.

One says, "Did you know that lions have sex 10 to 15 times a night?"

"BUGGER!" says his friend. "And I just joined Rotary..."
***************************************************************
AUSTRALIAN ETIQUETTE


IN GENERAL

1.. Never take an open stubby to a job interview.
2.. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.
3.. It's tacky to take an Esky to church.
4.. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5.. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take your
Ute and trailer to the funeral.

DINING OUT

1.. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as
not to bruise the wine.
2.. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1.. A centre piece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
taxidermist.
2.. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1.. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private,
using one's OWN Ute keys.
2.. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.
3.. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.
4.. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of
finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your
jewellery.

DATING

1.. Always offer to bait your date's fishing hook - especially on the first date.
2.. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out
with you ever since I read that stuff on the dunny door two years ago."
3.. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back. Some will say
11:00 PM, others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's the
man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATRE ETIQUETTE

1.. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie
ends.
2.. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven
they can't hear you.


WEDDINGS

1.. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2.. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may cause a drop in your
popularity. (Excessive use of the tongue is also considered out of place)
3.. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund and a
clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.
4.. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.


DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1.. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun is loaded
and the roo is in your rifle sight.
2.. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn't
always have the right of way.
3.. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4.. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask
her to bring back beer too.
**************************************************************
A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her
turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What
would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?"

The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and G.I. Joe."
Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says,
"I thought Barbie comes with Ken."

"No," said the little girl. "She comes with G.I. Joe,
she fakes it with Ken."
**************************************************************
With a puzzled look on his face an Indian boy asked,
"Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm?"
She told him, "Because he was conceived during a mighty storm."
Then he asked, "Why is my sister named Cornflower?"
She replied, "Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when
we made her."
"And why is my other sister called Moonchild?"
"We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived.",
She explained. The Mother Indian paused for a moment then
asked her son, "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?"
*******************************************************
Two 90 year olds had been dating for a while, when the man told the woman, "Well, tonight's the night we have sex!"
And so they did.
As they are lying in bed afterward, the man thinks to himself, "My God, if I knew she was a virgin, I would have been much more gentle with her!"
And the woman was thinking to herself, "My God, if I knew the old geezer could actually get it up, I would have taken off my panty hose!"
******************************************************************
Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest?"
Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten. Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven."

Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions. A few weeks later, Johnny's dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!"

His father says, "Calm down, son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?"

"Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommy's balloons and she's screaming, 'Oh God, I'm coming!'"
********************************************************************
ABC MEDIA RELEASE.

1st December 2007

In response to a number of complaints
that there are not enough Indigenous, middle eastern,
and Asian peoples appearing on TV,
ABC Television have decided that in future
'Crimestoppers' will be shown 'TWICE' weekly.
*********************************************************
A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the
top of that tree,' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull.
'They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough
strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after
eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a
fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
BullSh*t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
****************************************************
Tinder Definitions..............
40-ish..............................49
Adventurous.....................Slept with all your friends
Athletic............................No boobs
Average looking.................Ugly
Beautiful...........................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile................Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure..............On medication
Feminist............................Fat
Free spirit..........................Junkie
Friendship first...................Former slut
Fun..................................Annoying
Gentle..............................Dull
New Age...........................Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded.....................Desperate
Outgoing...........................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate........................Sloppy drunk
Poet.................................Depressive
Professional.......................Bitch
Romantic...........................Frigid
Voluptuous........................Very Fat
Large frame.......................Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate................Stalker
Widow..............................Murderer

WOMEN'S ENGLISH

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay

And finally.....

A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.
For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.
However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside
********************************************************************
Womens liberation conference.


The first speaker; a lady from England , stood and said "During last

year's conference, we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands.

Well,

after the conference, I went home and told my husband, Barrington, that

I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself.

After the first day, I saw nothing. The second day, I saw nothing, but
on

the

third day, I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb." (The
crowd

cheered).



The second speaker from Russia , stood up and said, "After last year's

conference, I went home and told my husband, Ivan, that I would no

longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. The first

day, I

saw nothing. After the second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day,
I

saw that he had done not only his own washing, but mine as well. (The

crowd

again cheered).



The third speaker, an Aboriginal lady, stood up and said, "Afta lass

year's conference, I wen home and tole dat lazy husband of mines, Dingo

Jack,

dat I was froo pickin up his beer cans, cookin his tucker and washin his

undaweah and dat he was goin to haf to do dem himself. (The crowd
went

wild with cheering and clapping that lasted for five long minutes). She

continued.

"Afta da first day, I nevah see nuffin. Afta da second day I
nevah see

nuffin, but afta da fird day, I could see a little bit outa my leff eye."
*********************************************************************
How do you turn a fox into an elephant?

Marry it !


What is the difference between a battery and a woman?

A battery has a positive side.


How are fat girls and mopeds alike?

They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.


How do you piss off a female archaeologist??

Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it comes from.


How is a woman like a condom?

Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your di*k.


What should you give a woman who has everything?

A man to show her how to work it.


Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a
waist?

Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.


How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?

Put a nipple on it.


Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?

Because they don't have balls to scratch.


Why do women fake orgasms ?

Because they think men care.


What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?

Nothing, she's been told twice already.


If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have
you done wrong?

Made her chain too long


How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened when she brings it.


Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
never be able to support you.


Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand
closer to the kitchen sink.


How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'


How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't. There is a clock on the oven.



Why do men pass gas more than women?

Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
pressure.



If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at
the
front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.



What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

A woman who won't do what she's told



I married a Miss Right.

I just didn't know her first name was Always.



Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive
by 90%.

It's called a Wedding Cake.



Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.


Women will never be equal to men...

until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut,and
still think they are sexy.


In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.

Then God created Man and rested.

Then God created Woman.

Since then, neither God nor Man has rested
*******************************************************
Headlines From The Year: 2029
Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

North Korea & Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 50 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica. No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Florexico.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Abortion clinics now available in every High School in United States.

Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2030.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Florexico voters still having trouble with voting machines.
*********************************************************
A man's in bed with his Thai girlfriend.

After having great sex, she spends the next hour just stroking his penis, something she had lovingly done on many occasions.

Rather enjoying it, he turns and asks her, "Why do you love doing that?"

She replies: "Because I really miss mine".
*****************************************************
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students,"Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty, when the rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!

"That must've been scary", said the teacher.

"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff,Fffff, Fffff'...and before he could say "F*ck off," the rottweiler ate him!"
***************************************************************

[Pedro]

:icon_cry: Laughing too hard again :laugh2:

Pedro

[Basil]

Thanks Pedro,there are dozens of pages of them,most are stupid but there are some gems,i'll slowly work my way thru them over the coming weeks.

[Basil]

Paddy and Murphy, come across a girl who's bike has a flat tyre. Murphy leaves Paddy to help her and goes on his way.

A few minutes later Paddy passes Murphy on the girl's bike.

"What the f*ck happened"? asks Murphy.

"Well, I fixed her bike and be jaysus she takes her knickers off, lies on the ground and says, take what you want big boy! So I took the bike.''

"Good on ya" says Murphy, ''I'm sure the f*ckin knickers wouldn't fit ya anyway"
***************************************************************************
his young lady really liked bees, so much she decided to get a tattoo of one on her bum cheek.
off she went to the the tattooist and asked him to tattoo a bee on her left bum cheek.
the tattooist is busy giving the lady the tattoo and she sez to him, " i like bees so much i think you should tattoo another bee on the right cheek too please".
so he does the second tattoo as well. she hurrys home to proudly show her boyfriend. when she gets home she says to him i have to show you something.
she drops her pants and bends over to give him the full view of the tatts.
she then asks him, "what do you think of that?"
he replies, "just one question, who the f*ck is bob?"
****************************************************************
he FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done there were 3 finalists.

Two men and a woman

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair.

Kill Her!!!'

'The man said, 'You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife'

The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.'

The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband.

She took the gun and went into the room.

Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, She wiped the sweat from her brow.

'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said.

'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'


MORAL: Women,DONT MESS WITH THEM!!
**************************************************************
Prime Minister Kevin Rudd visited a primary school and went into one of the classes.



They were in the middle of a discussion about words and their meanings.



The teacher asked the Prime Minister whether he would like to lead the discussion about the word 'tragedy'.

So our illustrious leader from Queensland asked the class for an example of a tragedy.



One little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy''



'No,' said Kevin from Queensland, 'that would be an accident'.



A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children was driven over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.'



'I'm afraid not,' explained the Prime Minister, 'that's what we would call a great loss.'



The room went silent. No other children volunteered.



Kevin searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of tragedy?'



Finally, at the back of the room, a small boy raised his hand... In a quiet voice he said: 'If an aeroplane carrying you and Ms Gillard was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy'.



'Fantastic!' exclaimed Kevin from Queensland. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'



'Well,' says the boy, ' it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a f -------- accident either'.
***********************************************************************
During Spring Break, a doctor at a college campus is giving free physicals for one week only.
On the first day a girl comes into his office, and the doctor asks her to remove her shirt.
The girl proceeds and the doctor immediately notices a large A imprint in the middle of her chest.
The doctor asks, "How did you get that A on your chest?"
The girl responds by saying that her boyfriend goes to the Univeristy of Alabama, and when they make love, he likes to keep his letterman's jacket on.
The doctor finds this rather strange, but just shrugs it off.

On the second day he sees another girl and when she removed her shirt the doctor noticed a large I imprint on her chest.
The doctor asks, "How did you get that I on your chest?"
The girl tells the doctor that her boyfriend goes to the university of Iowa, and when they make love, he likes to keep his letterman's jacket on.
The doctor then begins to wonder if all college students keep their lettermans jacket on during intercourse, but just shrugs it off.

On the third day another girl comes in and she removes her shirt.
Sure enough, there is a large W imprint, but on the womens stomach.
The doctor, thinking he's quick on his feet, blurts out, "Let me guess, your boyfriend goes to the University of Wisconsin!"
The girl pauses a moment and replies, "No, my girlfriend goes to the University of Minnesota..."
***********************************************************************
I am in big trouble with my wife. I forgot to open the car door for her.



I just panicked and swam straight to the surface.
*********************************************************************
A Kiwi was in Australia to watch an upcoming Rugby Test match, for which he had tickets. He wasn't feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor.
'Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey' said Wiremu.
The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the only cure was testicular removal.
'No way doc' replied Wiremu 'I'm gitting a sicond opinion !'
The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure. Not surprisingly he refused the treatment.
Wiremu was devastated, but with the rugby match just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor working in Australia, and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust. The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: 'Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv prostate suckness ey'
'What's the cure thin doc ?' asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.
'Wull, Wiremu', said the Kiwi doctor 'Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls.'
'Phew, thunk god for thut!' said Wiremu, 'those Aussie bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!'
************************************************************************
Today an Aboriginal was found nailed to a tree, stabbed six times and shot twice. Police say it's the worst case of suicide they have ever seen.
--
A car bomb was found outside Lakemba mosque today. Police have urged the public not to panic as they have managed to push it inside the mosque.

A recent study conducted by Wits University found that the average South African walks about 1200 kilometres a year. Another study by the South African Medical Association found that South Africans drink, on average, 100 litres of alcohol a year. This means, on average, South Africans get about 12 kilometres to the litre.
--
President Bush is rehearsing his speech for the Beijing 2008 Olympic Games. He begins his remarks with, "Ooo! Ooo! Ooo! Ooo! Ooo!" Immediately his speech writer rushes over and whispers in the President's ear, "Mr. President, those are the Olympic rings. Your speech is underneath!"
***********************************************************************
TECH SUPPORT - HOW CAN I HELP?

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...

Customer: Hi, this is Maureen. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No, wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....

Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?

Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on 'start' for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...

Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a colour printer?
Customer: Aaaah... thank you.

Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me.

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah... that one does work...

Tech support: Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a capital letter V as n Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?

Customer: can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.

Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry... Internet Explorer.

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?

Customer: Hi I have a problem with my Canon printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.

Tech support: Okay Colin, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Colin.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: 'P'... on your keyboard, Colin.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!
******************************************************************
The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven where he's met by a reception committee of angels. After a whirlwind tour, The Pope is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available.

He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, so he spends the next eon or so learning the languages.

After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pour over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original handwritten script.

The angel librarian hears a loud scream, and goes running toward its source only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, shaking and crying.

"The R! They left out the R!"

"What do you mean?" the angel librarian asks.

After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "The word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!"
***********************************************************************
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.
He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning.
"I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a
louder knock follows.
"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.
So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and
there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to
realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??"
"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the
door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she
says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you.
Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick
the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house
to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get
lost??"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the
right thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed
and goes downstairs.
He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he
shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??"
And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"
And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing."
*******************************************************************
It was mealtime during a flight on Blonde Airlines. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. "What are my choices?" John asked. "Yes or no," she replied.
***********************************************************
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask
over his mouth and nose.

A pretty, young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge
bath.

'Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles
black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from
worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls
back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand
and his testicles in the other.

Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with
them,
Sir!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly:


'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very
closely......

'A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ??'
************************************************************
The teacher was telling the kids about the birds and the bees and she
explained that when a man and a woman meet and fall in love, nine months
later the stork usually brings them a little baby, from its nest high up
in the trees.

Little Johnny at the back of the class put his hand up and asks the
teacher, "Are you sure about the stork, Miss? I think you're getting
your birds mixed up, 'cos my big sister just got a little baby and she
said it was from a shag on the beach!!!
****************************************************************

[JeffH]

Hillary Clinton phones the White House shortly after midnight. ''I need to talk to President Trump, it's an emergency!'' After some cajoling, the President's assistant agrees to wake him up.

''So what is it that's so important that it can't wait until morning?'' grumbles Trump.

''A Supreme Court Judge just died, and I want to take his place,'' insists Ms Clinton.

''Oh. Is that all? Well, it's OK with me if it's OK with the mortuary,'' replies Trump.

[Unicorn]

Love em Guys! :good:

[gnome]

A blonde walks into a library.
She walks up to the counter, slams her book down and screams at the librarian....
"This is the worst book I have ever read. It has no plot and to many characters".
The librarian looks up and calmly replies,
"So you're the one who took our phone book. "

[gnome]

Ed and  Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.
When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles
apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they
got home.
Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs,
restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that
Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better
than the last.
On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship,
Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting
for their salad, Ed said,
"I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a
little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next
stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life
changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I
play golf; I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat,
sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd
better say so now!"
Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a
problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're
being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the
last five years I've been a hooker."
Ed said: "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight
when you hit the ball."

[Basil]

A Woman's Poem

He didn't like the casserole,
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right,
He didn't like the stew.
I didn't mend his socks,
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer,
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked the shit out of him...

Like his mother used to do.
******************************************************

On a recent trip to the US and Canada, Prime Minister Kevin Rudd was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nations in Kitimat, B.C. due to his experiences in handling the Australian Indigenous situation.


He spoke for almost an hour on his ideas for increasing every First Nation's present standard of living.



At the conclusion of his speech, the tribes presented the Prime Minister with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - Walking Eagle.



The proud Rudd then departed with his entourage, waving to the crowd as he left.



A news reporter later asked the chiefs how they came to select the new name given to Rudd.



They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit, it can no longer fly.
*******************************************************************

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit £200 million."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
************************************************************
Default kaBOOM!!
Q. What do Pyongyang and Hiroshima have in common?
A. Nothing, yet.

Q. What do you call a Muslim who owns a camel and a goat?
A. Bisexual.

Q. What do you call a Muslim who owns 6 goats?
A. A pimp
****************************************************

"Late again!!" the third-grade teacher sternly said to little Sammy.

"It ain't my fault this time, Miss Crabtree. You can blame this 'un on my Daddy. The reason I'm three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!"

Now, Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years. Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Sammy what he meant by that.

Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Sammy and trouble were old friends, but he always told her the truth.

"You see, Miss Crabtree, out at the ranch we got this here low down coyote. The last few nights, he done ate six hens and killed Ma's best milk goat.

Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his shot gun and said to my Ma, "That coyote's back again, I'm a gonna git him!''

"Stay back," Daddy whispered to all us kids!

"My Daddy was naked as a jaybird -- no boots, no pants, no shirt!

To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then, he stuck that double barreled 12 gauge shot gun through the window of the coop."

"As he stared into the darkness, with coyotes on his mind, our old hound dog, Rip, had done gone and woke up and comes sneaking up behind Daddy.

Then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old Rip done went and stuck his cold nose in my Daddy's crack!

MissCrabtree, we all been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin!'
***********************************************************
40 Aboriginals arrive at the Pearly Gates

St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God, saying. 'I've got 40 Aboriginals here. Can I let them in?'

God says 'We are over the quota on Abo's. Go out and tell them to choose between them which are the 12 most worthy,
and I will let just the dozen in.'

Less than a minute later St Peter is on the phone to God again.

'They've gone', he tells God.

'What?' says God, 'All 40 of them?'

'No, the f*&^%$g  gates'.
**********************************************************
Q. What's the worlds best pick-up line?

A. 'Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?'
**********************************************
YOU'RE A REDNECK WHEN...

You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.
You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
Someone in your family died right after saying 'Hey, guys, watch this'.
You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
Your junior prom offered day care.
You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines'.
You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
One of your kids was born on a pool table.
You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
When you take the dog for a walk at night, you both use the same tree.
****************************************************************
Ten Signs that you might be in the Taliban...

10. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.



9. You own a $300 machine gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.



8. You have more wives than teeth.



7. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.



6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.



5. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry ammunition in your robe.



4. You've never been asked, "Does this burka make my ass look big?"



3. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.



2. A common compliment is, "I love what you've done with your cave."



And, the NUMBER ONE SIGN you might be a member of the Taliban:



1. You wipe your ass with your bare hand, but consider bacon unclean.
************************************************************************
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"

"At the circus," says the barman.

"The circus?" repeats the duck.

"That's right," replies the barman.

"The circus?" the duck asks again. "That place with the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman..

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . ..
.


"What the shit would they want with a plasterer??!"
*******************************************************
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, 'I have a confession

to make, I'm not a virgin.'

The husband replies, 'That's no big thing in this day and age.'

The wife continues, 'Yeah, I've been with one guy.'

'Oh yeah? Who was the guy?'

'Tiger Woods..'

'Tiger Woods, the golfer?'

'Yeah.'

'Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him.'

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

'What are you doing?' asks the wife.

The husband says, 'I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat.'







'Tiger wouldn't do that.'

'Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?'

'He'd come back to bed and do it a second time.'

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. 'Now what are you doing?' she asks.

The husband says, 'I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat.'





'Tiger wouldn't do that.'

'Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?'

He'd come back to bed and do it again.'

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more
time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone
and

starts to dial.

The wife asks, 'Are you calling room service?'





'No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn
hole.'
****************************************************************
A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a shandy.

All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see another

Australian visitor.

The barman says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada ."

The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada ?"

The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender says, "A tixidermist? What the hick is a tixidermist? Do

you drive a tixi?"

"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."

The bartender grins and yells,

"He's okay boys. He's one of us."
****************************************************
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a
good looking, older retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a
gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not
going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so
you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment - chair,
whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the
gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant
and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat
revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks,
sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He
continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then
rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display
like that in my life." He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can
you top that?"

The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of there.
*************************************************************
A fellow walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be more than ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, 'What's with the money in the jar?

Well... you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money and the keys to a brand new Lexus. The man certainly isn't going to pass this up.
And so he asks, 'What are the three tests?'

You must pay first... Those are the rules, says the bartender. So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.

'Okay,' the bartender says, 'Here's what you need to do':

First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in a minute or less, and you can't make a face while doing it.

Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.

Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex... You have to take care of that problem!'

The man is stunned. 'I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila, and then do all those other things...'

'Your call,' says the bartender..'But, your money stays where it is.'

As time goes on, and the man has a few more drinks, he finally says,
'Where's the damn tequila?'

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks... but he doesn't make a face, and he did it in fifty-eight seconds!

Next, he staggers out the back door, where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon the people inside the bar hear growling, biting, and screaming sounds... then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped open and there are scratches and he's bleeding all over his body.

He says, 'Now where's that woman with the bad tooth?'
*******************************************************************
A little girls prayer.......


Dear God


This year, please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Daddy's computer .



Amen
*****************************************************************
Hypnotist Who Spoke Without Thinking -


It was entertainment night at the Senior Center and over 300 seniors came
to see the show.
Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: 'I'm here to put you into a trance; I
intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.'

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique
pocket watch from his coat. 'I wan t you each to keep your eye on this
antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six
generations'

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
?Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch?...The crowd
became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off
its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch. Suddenly, it
slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into
a hundred pieces.

'SHIT!' said the Hypnotist.


It took three days to clean up the Senior Center .

[Pedro]

:laugh2: Good stuff Basil :good:

Pedro

[humpybong]

Excellant....:taunt:

:laughingneqw::laughingneqw:

[Unicorn]

:laugh2: Excellent Basil, I needed a laugh!

[Basil]

Thanks Fellas,there is another 2 or 3 years of them so slowly working my way thru the pages.The one about the Lion Tamer has the punch line cut off,i'll try and find it and edit.

[Unicorn]

News of the day ......

http://www.news.com.au/entertainment/celebrity-life/royals/queen-elizabeth-ii-sinks-four-cocktails-a-day-new-facts-reveal/news-story/27ba5598cda2314d1be389610daaafab

Theme music ..... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2x8D4T--0v4

We'll drink a drink a drink
To Lizzie in pink in pink in pink
The saviour of English heraldry
For she digested, a mixture of compound
Most efficacious by the case

Prince Charlie had sticky out ears
And it made him awful shy
And so she gave him medicinal compound
And now he's learning how to fly

Sister Margie was notably bony
She would never eat her meals
And so she gave her medicinal compound
Now they move her round on wheels

We'll drink a drink a drink
To Lizzie in pink in pink in pink
The saviour of English heraldry
For she digested, a mixture of compound
Most efficacious by the case

Old Philly thought he was Julius Caesar
And so they put him in a home
Where she gave him medicinal compound
And now he's emperor of Rome

George the sixth he, had a terrible st st st st stammer
He could hardly sssay a word
And so she gave him medicinal compound
Now's he's not seen, and never heard

..... chorus

(slow day today)