The Laugh Thread

[Unicorn]

On ya G! :laugh2: .... I love a good Dad joke .... off to tell the kids!

[gnome]

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.
The instructor said,
"Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking
is especially beneficial strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery
that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a
soft surfaces, like a grass path."
"Gentlemen, remember, you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."
The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.
 After a few moments a man at the back of the room, slowly raised his
hand.
"Yes?" said the Instructor.
"I was just wondering if it would be all right, if she carries a golf bag?"

[JeffH]

This strip in the paper does not usually travel well from its US centric viewpoint. However this one tickled me.

He is right up there with Apostrophe man in my affections.


I have several hindsight tools in my kit but, without the time machine accessory, they are useless.

[JeffH]

[Pedro]

:laugh2: :ok:

You got it Jeff!

Pedro

[Basil]

I have learned that if you upset your wife, she nags you but, if you upset her even more, you get the silent treatment.

Hello! I am the only one who thinks it's WORTH the extra effort?
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As my wife and I sat across from the marriage counselor, she asked me to describe what my wife was like using only one word.

"I'd say she's like an oxymoron," I said.

"Now that's very interesting," said the counselor, "Why exactly do you say that?"

"Because she's built like an ox and she's a bloody moron."
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What do fat women and scooters have in common?

They're both fun to ride, but you don't want your mates finding out...

************************************************************************
Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please," says one.

The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs."

The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers ... cautiously: "What part did you get?
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I was recently asked how I view lesbian relationships...

Apparently "in HD" was an inappropriate answer to give.
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Years ago during WWII, Colonel Reichman was having sex with a local French woman. When they were done, and knowing how virile he was, he said to her proudly: "In 9 month's time you vill have a baby. You may name it after me if you vish."

To which the woman answers: "In 9 day's time you vill come out vit ze rash, you may call it f*cking measles if you vish!"
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When I was in the pub last night I overheard a couple of dickheads saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman!

Sexist morons!. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the thing is it?
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I went to the solicitor to change my will today but it turns out it's illegal to leave all my money to an imaginary friend unless they have a church.
*************************************************************
I've been married for over 30 years now and the other night the wife asked quite innocently "How would you describe me"?

I looked at her for a while and then said,
"Your A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K"

She then asked "What do you mean"

and I said,
"Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot"

She smiled happily and said, "Oh darling, Thats so loverly..... What about I, J, K?"

So I said, "I'm just kidding"

The swelling on my eye is going down and the Doctor is fairly optimistic about saving the family jewels.
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[Basil]

These(and the above) are from a Forum i haven't visited for a while,someone has been busy posting.
*********
Dave, a hunter, went on a camping trip with his wife, kids, and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the forest, the Mrs awoke to find her mother gone.

Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. Dave sighed, picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her.

In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight. The mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large grizzly bear stood facing her.

The wife looked piercingly at Dave and cried, "Well? What are we going to do?"

"Nothing," said Dave. "That stupid bear got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."
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A man in Melbourne walked into the produce section of his local Woollies and asked to buy half a head of cabbage.

The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later, the manager said to the boy........... "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?"

"New Zealand, sir," the boy replied.

"Why did you leave New Zealand ?" the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there."

"Is that right?" replied the manager, "My wife is from New Zealand!"

"Really?" replied the boy, "Who did she play for?"
**********************************************
Breaking news: the man who invented the knock-knock joke was recently awarded the Nobel prize.
*************************************************************
A man lays sprawled across three entire seats at a theatre.

Before the show has even starts, an usher walks by and notices the man. "Sir, you're only allowed one seat, can you please sit up?" The man groans, but remains sprawled.

The Usher becomes impatient with the man, "Sir! If you don't get up, I will need to get my manager involved" Again the man just groans, which infuriates the Usher. So he marches off to get the manager.

In a few moments he returns with the manager and they both repeatedly attempt to move him, but with no success. At this point the manager calls the police. Moments later, a police officer arrives and after making a reassuring gesture to the manager, he approaches the man.

"Alright buddy, what's your name?"

"Sam" the man moans.

"And where ya from Sam?"

With another groan, Sam replies, "The balcony".
*********************************************************
I rung up work this morning..

"My wife died last night." I explained. "I'm going to need some time off."

"Oh my goodness, that's awful." replied the secretary. "We understand though, so take as much time off as you need."

"Thanks." I said. "I'll be about eighteen years, IF I behave myself."

***************************************************************
When I was young I decided I wanted to be a doctor so I took the entrance exam to go to Medical School.
One of the questions asked us to rearrange the letters PNEIS into the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.
Those who answered spine are doctors today, the rest of us are collecting Coins & reading jokes on the web.
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Chantelle goes to the doctor, and says, "Doctor, I've got a bit of a problem. I'll have to take my clothes off to show you."

The doctor tells her to go behind the screen and disrobe. She does so, and the doctor goes round to see her when she is ready.

"Well, what is it?" he asks.

"It's a bit embarrassing," she replies. "These two green circles have appeared on the inside of my thighs." The doctor examines her and finally admits he has no idea what the cause is.

Then he suddenly asks, "Is your boyfriend a Harley rider by any chance?"

The woman blushes and says, "Well, actually he is, yes"

"Aaaaah, then that's the problem," the doctor says. "Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."
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Two young nuns in a convent were ordered to paint their room by the mother superior, but she insisted they get no paint on their clothes.

So, they decide to take off their clothes, fold it up, and lock the door. They start painting, but soon enough, they hear a knock on the door.

"Who is it?" the one nun says. "Blind man!" they hear from outside the door.

The nuns look at each other, and the one says "Oh well, he is blind, it's not like he'll see anything. What would be the harm in letting him in?"

So they open the door and let him in.

The man walks in and says "Hey! Nice tits. At which window do you want me to hang these?"
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An older couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each
other for a long time.

Urged on by their friends, they decided it was
finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to
dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might
work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject
of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked,
rather tentatively.

"I would like it infrequently," she replied. The
old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then
leaned over towards her and whispered,

"Is that one word or two?"
**********************************************************
After trying really really hard, and after a lot of convincing, I finally got my wife to do that thing with her mouth that men love and crave so very much...

Close it.
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[Pedro]

:laugh2:

Pedro

[Goldseeker]

I have often wondered where on earth do people dig up these jokes.   I have been digging for years in the garden and only dug up weeds.

[Basil]

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a
child's whisper. " Hello ? "

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

" Yes ," whispered the small
voice.
May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, " No ."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" " Yes ."

"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, " No ."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

" Yes ," whispered the child, " a policeman ".

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

" No, he's busy
", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

" Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"
A helicopter " answered the whispering voice.

"What ! is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, " The search team just landed a helicopter ."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss
asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... " ME ."

***************************************************************
ust before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded,

"Hardly worth going home, is it?
_________________________________


Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
_______________________________


The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs .
__________________________________________________ ________


I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes; I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends but, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
_______________________________


I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. By the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
_______________________________


An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Coles. "Coles?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Coles?"

"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week "
__________________________________________________ __________


My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my
memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
_______________________________


Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
_______________________________


It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.
______________________________


These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."
______________________________


Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.
________________________________


THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference
**********************************************************
A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party.

The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party
alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she
was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his
good time to be spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly
for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to
go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she
thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted
when she was! not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume,
cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he
could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left
his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as
far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After more drinks he finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear
and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate
intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped

away and went home and put the costume away and She was sitting up reading
when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had.

"Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not
there."
Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there,

I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room
and played poker all evening."

"You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all
night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.

To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to my Dad,
apparently he had the time of his life."
***********************************************************
"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!"

[Pedro]

Great as always Basil :ok:

(the sagging/wrinkles one sounds like a truism to live by :laugh2:)

Pedro

[Basil]

Thanks Pedro,i'm too lazy to filter so just copy/paste so you have to put up with the bad ones to find the occasional gem..They're from a forum i haven't visited for a while so i'll probably go for plagiarism somewhere along the line,someone has been busy because there are dozens i haven't read before.

[gnome]

Yep some classics alright, plagiarism is fine so long as you don't repeat it.

[JeffH]

One day, I spy a wonderful old woman sitting on her front step, so I walk up to her and say, ''Excuse me, ma'am, I can't help noticing how happy you look. What is your secret for such a long, happy life?''

''I smoke 10 stogies a day,'' she says. ''Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. All my life, I've eaten only junk food, washed down by three Cokes a day, and I put away at least a bottle of Jack Daniels every week. On weekends, I pop pills and never do any exercise at all.'

Completely astonished, I ask, ''How old are you?''

''Twenty-four,'' she replies.

[Basil]

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge
Around
The nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to
Maximum
Speed on the long corridors, shouting "Vroom, Vroom!" and making
Believe she
Was once again driving her car on the freeway.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other
Residents tolerated her, and some of them actually joined into help
Her live
Her fantasy. One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door
Opened
And Kooky Clarence stepped out
With his arm outstretched. "STOP! Police!" he shouted in a firm
Voice. "Have
You got a
License for that thing?"
Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper
And
Held it up to him.
"OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall. As she took the
Corner
Near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of
Her and
Shouted,
"STOP! Police! Have you got proof of insurance?"
Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster, and held it
Up to
Him. Harold nodded, and said, "Carry on, ma'am."

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig
Stepped out in front of her, stark naked, with a very sizable
Erection.

"Oh, good grief," cried Ethel, "not the Breathalyzer again!"
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A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?"

"Yes," he says. "I was in Vietnam for three years."

The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment." and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?

The guy says, "Yes 100%...a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."

The interviewer tells the guy, "O.K. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 A.M."

The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M.?"

"This is a government job" the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we stand around scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."
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Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog

for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish

priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for

the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services

for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane,

and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something

for the creature."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya think £500 is
enough to donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't

ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"
**********************************************************
An Arab family was considering putting their grandfather in a Nursing Home. Since most of the facilities were completely full, they had to Put him in a Jewish home. After a few weeks in the Jewish facility they came to visit grandpa.

"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.

"It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says Grandpa.

"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone."

"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here," grandpa says with a big smile.

"There's a musician here he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!"

"There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honour'!"

"And there's a physician here -- 90 years old! He hasn't been practicing medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'!"

"And what about you Grandpa" - asks the grandson.

"And me...., I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The Fu*#ing Arab!"
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WORLD WAR III IS COMING



President Bush and Rumsfeld are sitting in a bar.

A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that
Bush and Rumsfeld sitting over there?"

The bartender says, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a
real honor! . What are you guys doing in here?"

Bush says, "We're planning WW III."

The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits.

The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits?

Why kill a blonde with big tits?"

Bush turns to Rumsfeld and says, "See, I told you,
no one gives a shit about the 140 million Muslims".
**************************************************
DroversTwo Aussie cattle drovers standing in an Outback bar.

One asked, "What are you up to, Mate?"

Ahh, I'm takin' a mob of 6000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie."

"Oh yeah ... and what route are you takin'?"

"Ah, probably the Missus; after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought."
**************************************************************
From the state where drinking and driving is considered a sport, comes a true story from the Sunshine Coast, Queensland.
Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a local neighbourhood tavern. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night), flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few cm, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.

At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyser test.

To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man's intoxication.

The police officer said 'I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station - this breathalyser equipment must be broken.'

'I doubt it, mate!' said the man, 'Tonight I'm the designated decoy'.
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One for Trout...
An Australian tour guide was showing a group of American tourists the Top End. On their way to Kakadu he was describing the abilities of the Australian Aborigine to track man or beast over land, through the air, under the sea. The Americans were incredulous.

Then later in the day, the tour rounded a bend on the highway and discovered, lying in the middle of the road, an Aborigine. He had one ear pressed to the white line whilst his left leg was held high in the air. The tour stopped and the guide and the tourists gathered around the prostrate Aborigine.

"Jacky," said the tour guide, "what are you tracking and what are you listening for?"

The aborigine replied, "Down the road about 25 miles is a 1971 Valiant ute. It's red. The left front tyre is bald. The front end is out of whack and it has dents in every panel. There are 9 fellows in the back, all drinking warm sherry. There are 3 kangaroos on the roof rack and 6 dogs on the front seat."

The American tourists moved forward, astounded by this precise and detailed knowledge.

"Goddammit man, how do you know all that?" asked one.

The Aborigine replied, "I fell out of the bloody thing about half an hour ago."
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So, these two guys are car pooling home from work one day. Traffic is barely crawling along and they are both a bit bored. So the driver is looking around and suddenly he points at two dogs having sex in someone's front lawn.

"Look", he shouts, "What are the those dogs doing? Are they fighting?" The passenger, being a man of the world, replies, "They are having sex. Don't tell me that you have never had sex doggie style before?" The driver, a bit embarrassed, admits that he has never had sex doggie style. So the passenger says, "You have to try it. Its pretty cool. Here's what you do. Tonight when you get home, fix your wife a margarita and then suggest that you want to try this new sexual position." The driver thinks a bit and then decides he will give it a try.

So the next morning, the two commuters are back in the car and the passenger asks, "Well. How did it go?" To which the driver replies, "It was great. But it took me 6 Margaritas just to get her on the front lawn."
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A guy out on the golf course took a high-speed ball right to the nuts. Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground. When he finally got himself to the doctor, he asked,"How bad is it, Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancé is still a virgin."

The doctor said, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay in about two weeks." Then the doctor took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.

The guy mentioned none of this to his girl and the two got married. On their honeymoon night, she opened her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts and told him, "You'll be the first; no one has ever touched these before."

The new bridegroom dropped his pants and said, "Look at this — it's still in the crate!"
***************************************************************************
Prince Charles decided to take up jogging. Every day, he'd jog past a
hooker
standing on the same street corner. He learned to brace himself as he
approached her for what was almost certain to follow.

'One hundred and fifty pounds!' she'd shout from the curb.

'No! Five pounds!' He would fire back, just to shut her up.

This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence. He'd run
by and she'd yell, 'One hundred and Fifty Pounds!' He'd yell back, 'Five
pounds!'

One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany Charles on his jog.
As
the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Prince Charles
realized she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd
really
been doing on all his past outings. He figured he'd better have a good
explanation for his wife.

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he
became
even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there was the hooker.

He tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.
Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled, 'See what you get for five
pounds,
you tight bastard!!!!
***************************************************************
A man walks into a chemist shop and asks the pharmacist for a pack of condoms. Paying for them, he bursts into laughter and walks out of the store. The next day he comes in again, again buys condoms, and again walks out laughing. Thinking this is somewhat strange, the pharmacist asks his assistant to follow the man if he comes back. Sure enough, the man comes in the next day and walks out laughing. This time the assistant goes after him, returning 20 minutes later.

"So did you follow him?" asks the pharmacist.

"Yup."

"Where did he go?"

"Your house."
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