The Laugh Thread

[Basil]

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly she approached him for an interview.
 "Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?"Morris Feinberg," he
replied. "Sir, how long have you been coming to the
Western Wall and praying?". "For about 60
years." "60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray
for?" "I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews,
and the Muslims"."I pray for all the wars and all the
hatred to stop"; "I pray for all our children to grow up
safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow
man","I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put
the interests of the people ahead of their own
interests.". And finally "I pray that everyone
will be happy". How do you feel after doing
this for 60 years; "Like I'm talking to a f-ing
Brick wall" ! ......

[Unicorn]

:laugh2: ..... fine form Basil!!!

[Basil]

Thanks,a lot of the jokes in the loop are repeated,not sure if i posted this before or not.

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when
he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life. After Mass, the
priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to
come to Mass. What made ya come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father. A while back, I
misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn
had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I
also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he
would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after
Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's
hat. What changed your mind?" Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your
sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal
McGlynn's hat after all."

With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said;
"After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather
do without your hat than burn in Hell?" Murphy slowly shook his head.
"No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I
remembered where I left me hat.
*****************************************

Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor. It lands butter-side-up.

He looks at what he has done in astonishment, for he knows it's a law of nature that
buttered toast always falls butter-down.

He rushes round to the presbytery to fetch the priest.

He tells the priest that he thinks a miracle has happened round at his flat.

He won't say what it is but wants Fr Flannagan to see it with his own eyes.

He brings Fr Flannagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor."

""Well," says the priest, "it's pretty obvious what we have here. Someone dropped
some buttered toast, and then for some reason flipped it over so that the butter was
on top.""

"No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that."

"Well," Fr Flannagan says, "it's certainly a natural law of the universe that dropped
toast never falls butter side up. But it's not for me to say it's a miracle. I'll report the
matter to the bishop, and have him send people round, to interview you, take photos, etc."

An investigation of some rigour is conducted, not only by priests of the archdiocese,
but by scientists sent from the Curia in Rome. The final ruling is a negative, however. it reads:


""It was certainly an extraordinary event that occurred in Murphy's room, quite
outside the normal run of the phenomena. Yet we have to be very cautious before
ruling any happening miraculous, ruling out all possible natural explanations. In this
case we have declared no miracle. For it possibly resulted from Murphy's having
buttered the toast on the wrong side."

[JeffH]

Butter both sides and drop it then. The natural law demands it will hover, spinning rapidly, just above the floor.

[Pedro]

That I would like to see :laugh2:

Pedro

[Basil]

A young girl is shopping midweek at Myers and runs into Rhonda,a old work friend,after exchanging pleasantries the friend  enquires as to why she is not at work anymore.
"I recently got married and don't work anymore,in fact marriage is the best thing i ever did.No more diets,no more having to suck up to his dysfunctional family,no more oral sex,no more having to re-label the wine bottles with 'cooking sherry',there are a couple of issues we have though,my best friend from school is a divorce lawyer and he hates me having her over for dinner every Friday night,he also hates me snoring,particulary when we're having sex but he'll get used to it,come back Rhonda i haven't told you everything".

[Basil]

Most seniors never get enough exercise.

In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good.
Then God saw there was another need.  In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach & stretch. And God looked down and saw that it was good.
Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise. God looked down and saw that it was good.
So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember its God's will.  It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.    

                                                                         

Important Facts To Remember As We Grow Older

1.     Death is the number 1 killer in the world.                                                    

2.     Life is sexually transmitted.                                                                        

3.     Good health is merely the slowest possible rate which one can die ..

4.     Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes,  make him a sandwich.

5.     Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

6.     Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

7.     All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

8.     In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

9.     Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today might burn your rear end tomorrow!

There is a tenth one but I can't remember what it is!

[JeffH]

The owners of this coffee shop in Reykjavik (Iceland) obviously have both a good attitude and a sense of humour.

[Basil]

Finally someone has cleared this mystery up...

For centuries Hindu women have worn a dot (Tikka) on their foreheads.

Most of us have naively thought this was connected with marriage or religion, but the Indian High Commission in Canberra has recently

revealed the true story.
When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union.

On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a:

        A - Taxi licence in Adelaide.
        B - Convenience store in Melbourne.
        C - Service station in Perth.
        D - Kebab shop in Brisbane.
        E - Take away café in Sydney.

 

 

If there is nothing there, he must stay in India and take a job answering telephones giving technical advice to Telstra customers in Australia.
This has got to be one of the cleverest
E-mails I've received in a while.
Someone out there
Must be "deadly" at Scrabble..
(Wait till you see the last one)!



PRESBYTERIAN :
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER


ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER


DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT


THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE


THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS


DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME


ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY


ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT


SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S


A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE


THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE


ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE



AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:


MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
***************************************************

I've never made a fortune, and it's probably too late now.
But I don't worry about that much,  I'm happy anyhow.
And as I go along life's way, I'm reaping better than I sowed.
I'm drinking from my saucer, cause my cup has overflowed.

Haven't got a lot of riches, and sometimes the going's tough
but I've got loving ones all around me, and that makes me rich enough.
I thank GOD Almighty for his Blessings, and the Mercies HE's bestowed.
I'm drinking from my saucer, cause my cup has overflowed.

I remember times when things went wrong,  my faith wore somewhat thin.
But all at once the dark clouds broke, and the sun peeped through again.
So LORD , please help me not to gripe,  about the tough rows I have hoed.
I'm drinking from my saucer, cause my cup has overflowed.
 
If GOD gives me strength and courage, when the way grows steep and rough.
I'll not ask for other blessings, I'm already blessed enough.
And may I never be too busy, to help others bear their loads.
Then I'll keep drinking from my saucer, cause my cup has overflowed.

[triplewitch]

[attachment=3350]

[Basil]

Good one John......


THE WEDDING TEST        
               
               

                I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend

               

                and I had been dating for over a year, and so we

               

                decided to get married. There was only one

               

                little thing bothering me.  It was her beautiful

               

                younger sister.

               

               

               

                My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very

               

                tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She

               

                would regularly bend down when she was near

               

                me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to

               

                be deliberate because she never did it when she was

               

                near anyone else.

               

               

               

                One day her "little" sister called and asked me to

               

                come over to check the wedding invitations . She was

               

                alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she

               

                had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't

               

                overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once

               

                before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

               

               

               

                Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

               

               

               

                She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if

               

                you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

               

               

               

                I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go

               

                up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned

               

                and made a beeline straight to the front door. I

               

                opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

               

                Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing

               

                outside, all clapping!

               

               

               

                With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and

               

                said, "We are very happy that you have passed our

               

                little test. We couldn't ask for a better

               

                man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

               

               

               

                And the moral of this story is:

               

                Always keep your condoms in your car.

[Pedro]

Well done Basil, Jeff and John! :laugh2:

Pedro

[JeffH]

Adam and Eve are playing in the garden when God appears and calls them over.

   ''I haven't quite finished making you,'' he says, ''there are two parts still to go.'' He pulls out a penis and asks which one of them would like to have it. He also explains it will save whoever has it the problem with having to sit down to pee.

   Adam is beside himself.
   ''Please please please can I have it??''

   Eve just shrugs her shoulders so God gives it to Adam who prostrates himself in front of God, repeating, ''Thank you, thank you God ...''

   God then turns to Eve and says, ''Well Eve looks like you get the brain.''

[Goose]

That was great.......and true.

[Basil]

It's all  in your  perspective.


 
     
Dorothy  and Edna, two "senior" widows, are  talking.

Dorothy:  "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a  date. I know you went out with him last week,  and I wanted to talk with you about him before I  give him my answer."

Edna:  "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my  apartment punctually at 7 pm,  dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit,  and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he  takes me downstairs. And what's there; a  limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.

 

Then he  takes me out for dinner; a marvelous dinner,  lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner  drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you  Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just  died from pleasure!

 

So then we are coming back  to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL.  Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new  dress and has his way with me three  times!"


Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so  you are telling me I shouldn't go?"


Edna:  "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old  dress!"