The Laugh Thread

[JeffH]

Dear Abby,
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse,  everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.  
Also, since he lost his job 14 years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the bull with his buddies, while I have to work to pay the bills.  
What should I do?
Signed: Clueless  

Dear Clueless,
Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman!  You don't need him anymore! You're running for President of the United States.
Act like one.
Abby

[Basil]

Just to lower the tone even further than Nevol.........

Man Gets Biggest Shock Ever After Eating A Hot Chilli. This Is Insane.

I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that said course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'Killer Chili'. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.

Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.

Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh oh, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.

The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.

I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Big Mistake.

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my butt is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, ' Oh my Lord', then quickly left.

Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Food Town. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. They claim they're going to have to repaint the store.

[Goldseeker]

Basil, you tell a good story.   I didn't stop laughing till well and truly after I finished reading the above.

[Triggersmob]

I just tried to eat a clock. It was very time consuming.

[Basil]

The Satnav - by Pam Ayres


I have a little Satnav, It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend, it tells you where you are.
I have a little Satnav, I've had it all my life
It's better than the normal ones, My Satnav is my wife.

It gives me full instructions, Especially how to drive
"It's sixty miles an hour", it says, "You're doing sixty five".
It tells me when to stop and start, And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever,  Safe to overtake.

It tells me when a light is red, And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively, Just when to intervene.
It lists the vehicles just in front, And all those to the rear
And taking this into account, It specifies my gear.

I'm sure no other driver, Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car, It still gives its advice.
It fills me up with counselling, Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it, And get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, Makes sure I'm properly fed
It washes all my shirts and things, And keeps me warm in bed!
Despite all these advantages, And my tendency to scoff,
I only wish that now and then, I could turn the bugger off.

[Goldseeker]

Well put together Basil.   I like it.

[robbiegal]

that clever Basil

it is me to a tee
I just read it to to my hubby!!

[Basil]

Yeah,Thanks,Pam Ayers is very clever,i'm in a Internet loop with family/friends and some great stuff comes along but a lot is not suitable for here unfortunately.

[humpybong]

Yeah,Thanks,Pam Ayers is very clever,i'm in a Internet loop with family/friends and some great stuff comes along but a lot is not suitable for here unfortunately.

That is OK Basil....,...just email them to me......

[Basil]

OK,can you PM me your Email address and i will fwd.

[humpybong]

An 18-year-old suicide bomber blew himself up and appeared before  Allah. He said, "Oh, Allah, I did your bidding, but I have a request.

Since I'm only 18 and spent all my time in terrorist training school, I have never been with a woman. So, instead of 72 virgins,
who also won't know what to do sexually, can I have 72 whores?"

Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied, "Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because assholes like you murdered them
before they could experience the pleasure of sex. So you're here to service them. Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually
ravenous; and, frankly, you'll be on constant, exhausting duty."

The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?"
And Allah replied, "Who said they were women?"

Now there's a concept I hadn't thought of..........

[Basil]

: oops camels
A new army captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghan
Desert.
During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up
behind the mess tent.
He asked the Sergeant why the camel was kept there.
The nervous sergeant said, 'Sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on t
post and no women. Sometimes the men have urges.That's why we have Molly the Camel.
The Captain said, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I can understand
about the 'urges', so the camel can stay.'

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'.Crazed with
passion, he asked the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.
Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls
his pants down and makes passionate love to the camel.
When he's done, he asked the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?

''No Sir. They usually just ride the camel into town. That's where the girls are."

[keldaw]

I remember many years ago , when I was young ,I was drunk this night and was going home from the pub , I got on a tram in Brisbane and there was only one seat left , and it was next to this middle age lady , so I sat down beside her and smiled at her as I did so , she looked at me and said ,

 [[[ you should be ashamed of yourself , you are drunk , you are very drunk ]]]

 an I said back to her ,

[[[ lady, you are ugly , you are very ugly , but remember in the morning I will be sober ]]] .

[JeffH]

A visitor to a zoo is being taken around enclosures containing cross-bred species, with one of the staff commenting on the creatures.

"This," he says, "is a cross between a hen and a sparrow and we call it a 'Harrow'."

"The next is a cross between a magpie and a wren and we call it a 'Magren'.

And over there is a cross between a pheasant and a duck and we call him 'Joe'."

[Basil]

The Greek Bail Out
It is a slow day in a little Greek village. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit. On this day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, stops at the local hotel and lays a E100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night in. The owner gives him some keys and as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the E100 note and runs next door to pay the butcher, who takes the E100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.
The pig farmer takes the E100 note and heads off to pay his drinks bill at the taverna. The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on credit. The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the E100 note.The hotel proprietor then places the E100 note on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything. At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the E100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town. No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However the whole village is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism. And that Ladies and Gentlemen, is how the bail out package works.