The Laugh Thread

[Nevol]

I'm Never Having Kids   

[Nevol]

My Living Will

[triplewitch]

Paying Attention ~
A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring . The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds , so the community could become used to a new doctor.
At the first house , a woman complains : "I've been a little sick to my stomach".
The older doctor says : "Well , you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit . Cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick ?"As they left , the younger man said : "You didn't even examine that woman ?
How do you come to the diagnosis so quickly ?"
"I didn't have to . You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash . That was what probably was making her sick".
The younger doctor said: "Pretty clever. If you don't mind, I think I'll try that at the next house".
Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She said that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said: "I'm feeling terribly run down lately".
"You've probably been doing too much for the church," the younger doctor told her . "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps".
As they left, the elder doctor said : "I know that woman well . Your diagnosis is most certainly correct, she's very active in the church, but how did you arrive at it?"
"I did what you did at the last house . I dropped my stethoscope and, when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the pastor under the bed.

[ausjack]

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, the Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the Government to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the Government deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the Government.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The Government has always prided themselves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your MP, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)



PS - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, The Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.

[Pedro]

:laugh2:

The ATO (Assets Taken Over) seems to have missed a gig!

Pedro

[triplewitch]

The Will
A man is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.
He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:
My son, "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."
My daughter "Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end."
My son, "Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river."
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as he slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".
The wife rolls her eyes and replies:
"He had a newspaper route."

[Basil]

EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS
  1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . .'
My wife's  going to have her baby in the cab.'
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's
dress and began to take off her underwear.      
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - -
and I was in the wrong one.
 
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco
 
2... At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,'. . .  I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,'. . ..replied the patient.  
 
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
 
3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.
Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'
 
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg
 
4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications..
' Which one ?'. .. . I asked. 'The patch...
The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!'
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped
I wouldn't see.
Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now, the instructions include removal of the old  patch before applying a new one.
 
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
 
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient,
I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered . . .
' Why, not for about twenty years - when  my husband was alive.'
 
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson-Corvallis, OR
 
6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . .' So how's your breakfast this morning?' ' It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste.'. .. . Bob replied.  
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'
 
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit
 
7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting  a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered . . . It  was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was
scheduled for immediate surgery..
When she was completely disrobed on the operating
table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read . . .' Keep off the grass.'
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said
'Sorry . . . had to  mow the lawn.'
 
Submitted by RN no name,      
 
AND FINALLY!!! . . . . . . .
 
8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB.  
I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams...
To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me.
I looked up from my work and sheepishly said. . .
' I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?'
She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard . . .
' No, doctor,  but the song you were whistling was . . .
' I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener .' '
 
Dr. wouldn't submit his name....
 
1 MORE
 
Baby's First Doctor Visit
 
I hope it will give you a smile!
 
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room,waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied..  
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said,
'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'  
' I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.
BEST EVER SENIOR CITIZEN JOKE

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............




"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
An Australian stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Madrid.

While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.

Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, 'Si Senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!' The Australian said, 'I will have the same please.'    The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'   The following day he returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.   After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'   The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied,

 

'Si, Señor. Sometimes the bull wins."

[Nevol]

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100.

 When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill, as this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00, and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord. It said: Dear Lord, Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, DC and as usual, those jerks deducted $95.

[Pedro]

:laugh2: :laugh2:

Pedro

[autocoupler]

Reading those embarrassing moments by Basil reminded me of a true story. At the risk of talking about myself, here goes.

I was 21 and had just moved from the country to live in Sydney, you could still smell the gum leaves on me, and there was a need to visit the doctor on account of a bout with hemorrhoids. She asked what my stools were like, and remembering the old hands at work had always told me to never sit on cold steel because I would get piles, I replied "wooden ones":blush::blush:

[Nevol]

A manufacturing plant was in full swing one day. The company's massive machine was humming along, taking in the raw materials at one end and churning out the finished product at the other. All of a sudden, the machine stopped and ground to a halt. Workers climbed all over it like ants to get it started again.

The plant's manager stormed out of his office to find out why his multi-million- dollar machine wasn't making him any money. He listened to his people saying they couldn't figure it out, and he told them to call a technician.  Soon a tech arrived, and the manager frantically explained to him that he needed his machine back as soon as possible. The technician listened patiently, took one look at the massive hulk of motionless metal, and immediately walked over to a small panel, opening a tiny door inside to see a screw.

The technician took a screwdriver and turned the screw one-quarter turn to the right, and the machine suddenly came back to life as if nothing was wrong. The manager hurried over to thank the technician, shook his hand, and asked what he owed him for saving his company.  

The technician answered, "$100,000.00". The manager looked at him and said, "You were here less than two minutes and just turned one screw. How can you charge so much? Give me an itemised bill."  

The technician calmly wrote out on a piece of paper:
 -Turning of one screw: $1.00.  
-Knowing which screw to turn: $99,999.00.

[JeffH]

[Basil]

An elderly man had owned a large property for several years.
He had a dam in one of the lower paddocks where he had planted mango and avocado trees.
The dam had been fixed up for swimming when it was built and he also had some picnic tables placed there in the shade of the fruit trees.  
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while.  
He grabbed a ten litre bucket to bring back some fruit.  As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.  
As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his dam.  
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.  
One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the dam naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said,
'I'm here to feed the crocodile.'  
Moral: Old men may walk slow, but they can still think fast.

[Nevol]

Living on earth may be expensive,
but it includes an annual free trip around the sun.

[Basil]

One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story. Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched."Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story.Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch."Next up was little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam War, and his Helicopter was shot down over enemy territory. Whilst waiting for rescue in the wreck he started drinking the beer cases they had been carrying.Soon the crash site was surrounded by 100 Viet-Cong,all he had to defend himself was a machine gun and a machete. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story."Well," Johnny replied, "Don't f*ck with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking.