The Laugh Thread

[triplewitch]

It's OK. Most jokes have made the rounds.  They're still funny.

[Nevol]

Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell right through a tiled floor and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way. One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business. After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him.

The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Merv asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" And the gentleman answered, "Why yes, I couldn't help but notice you have no ears." Merv got very angry and threw him out.

The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. He asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" and she replied: "Well, you have no ears." Merv again was upset and tossed her out.

The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome. And he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Merv was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" And to his surprise, the young man answered: "Yes. You wear contact lenses."
Merv was shocked, and said, "What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?"
The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no ears!"

[Unicorn]

Love it Nevol!

[Basil]

Subject:  Senior, setting password


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cabbage



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boiled cabbage



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1 boiled cabbage



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50bloodyboiledcabbages



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50BLOODYboiledcabbages



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50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow!



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ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccess
Now



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To:Subject: FW: Catholic Horses

 

 


A punter was at the horse races
Playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt.

He noticed a Priest step out onto the
Track and blessed the forehead of one of the
Horses lining up for the 4th race.
Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot won the race.
   
Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track.
Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses.

The punter made a beeline for a betting window and placed a
Small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long
Shot, the horse won the race.
He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to
See which horse the Priest would bless next.

He bet big on it, and it won. As the races continued the Priest
Kept blessing long shots, and each one ended up winning.

The punter was elated. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew
All his savings, and awaited for the Priest's
Blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on ..

True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track
For the last race and blessed the forehead of an  
Old nag that was the longest shot of the day.
This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and
Hooves of the old nag.
 
The punter knew he had a
Winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.
He watched dumbfounded as the old nag came in last.

In a state of shock, he went to the track area where the Priest was.
Confronting Him, he demanded, 'Father! What happened? All day long
You blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you
Blessed lost by a mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings!'.
The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.
   
'Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants,  
You can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites!
"Lord, I have a problem."

 

"What is it, Eve?"

 

"I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, especially that hilarious snake,

But I'm just not happy."

 

"And why is that Eve?"

 

"Lord, I'm lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."

 

"Well, Eve, in that case I have a solution.  I shall create a man for you."

 

"Man?  What is that Lord?"

 

"A flawed creature with many bad traits.  He'll lie, cheat and be vain. All in all he'll give you a hard time, but he'll be bigger and faster

And will love to hunt, fish and bring you good things to eat. I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs.

He will revel in childish things like playing poker or knocking a ball around."

 

"He won't be as smart as you, so he will also need your advice to think properly."

 

"Sounds great," says Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows," but what's the catch?"

 

"Well,.. You can have him on one condition."

 

"And what's that Lord?"

 

"Well, since he'll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring, you'll have to let him believe that I made him first.  And it will have to be our

Little secret... You know, woman to woman."

[Unicorn]

:laugh2: Most excellent Basil !!!!!

[Nevol]

"our Little secret... You know, woman to woman."

:laughingneqw: :laugh2: :laughingneqw: :laugh2:

[Goldseeker]

A  WOMAN WALKS INTO THE DANDENONG CENTRELINK OFFICE, TRAILED BY 15 KIDS.     'WOW,' THE SOCIAL WORKER EXCLAIMS, 'ARE THEY ALL YOURS?"

'YEP, THEY ARE ALL MINE,' THE FLUSTERED MOTHER SIGHS, HAVING HEARD THAT QUESTION A THOUSAND TIMES  BEFORE.   SHE SAYS, 'SIT DOWN BILLY.' ALL THE CHILDREN RUSH TO FIND SEATS.

'WELL,' SAYS THE  SOCIAL WORKER, 'THEN YOU MUST BE HERE TO SIGN UP. I'LL NEED ALL YOUR  CHILDREN'S NAMES.'

''WELL, TO KEEP IT SIMPLE, THE BOYS ARE ALL NAMED BILLY AND THE GIRLS ARE ALL NAMED BILLIE."

IN DISBELIEF, THE CASE WORKER SAYS, 'ARE YOU SERIOUS? THEY'RE ALL NAMED BILLY?'

THEIR MUM REPLIED,     'WELL, YES-IT MAKES IT EASIER. WHEN IT'S TIME TO GET THEM OUT OF BED AND READY FORSCHOOL , I YELL, BILLY!' AN' WHEN IT'S TIME FOR DINNER, I JUST YELL BILLY!' AND THEY ALL COME RUNNING. AND IF I NEED TO STOP THE KID WHO'S RUNNING INTO THE STREET, I JUST YELL 'BILLY' AND ALL OF THEM STOP.  IT'S THE SMARTEST IDEA I EVER HAD, NAMING THEM ALL BILLY.'

THE CASE WORKER THINKS THIS OVER FOR A BIT, THEN WRINKLES HER FOREHEAD AND SAYS TENTATIVELY,     'BUT WHAT IF YOU JUST WANT ONE KID TO COME, AND NOT THE WHOLE BUNCH?'

'THEN I CALL THEM BY  THEIR LAST NAME.'

[Triggersmob]

Probably very close to the truth.

[Unicorn]

[Pedro]

Ain't that the truth!

Pedro

[Triggersmob]

I just don't get this fascination that people have with their phones.

[Basil]

Back and forth . . . . back and forth . . . .
In and out . . . . in and out . . . .
A little to the right . . . . a little to the left . . . .
She could feel the sweat on her forehead . . . .
Between her breasts . . . . and, trickling down the small of her back . . . .
She was getting near to the end . . . . !!
He was in ecstasy . . . . with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved . . . . Forwards then backwards . . . .
Forward then backward . . . .
Again . . . . and, again . . . . !!
Her heart was pounding now . . . .
Her face was flushed . . . .
She moaned . . . . softly at first, then began to groan louder . . . .
Finally . . . . totally exhausted . . . .  she let out a piercing scream . . . .
She shouted . . . . :
 .

.




 



"OK, OK, you smug bastard, I can't parallel park . . . .now...
You do it . . . . !!"

[Triggersmob]

[robbiegal]

I think Christmas lunch was trying to escape!!
Can say that I have had the same thing happen at my place (ex the call to the cops!)
http://www.abc.net.au/news/2014-12-15/mudcrab-break-in-at-brisbane-west-end/5966784

[triplewitch]

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital.
She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone Who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"
The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."
The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."
After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal, and her physician, Dr. Cores has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."
The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good news."
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"
The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me s---t."