The Laugh Thread

[triplewitch]

MURDER AT THE WAL-MART
Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.
A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of ' Artie .'
Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.
Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Super Wal -Mart store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands and as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor .
The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
However, unknown to Artie , the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plot, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband, who was also quickly arrested.
The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...
.
.
'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ WAL-MART!!'

[Basil]

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

[Basil]

I was lying on the couch enjoying the football when my wife said to clean the place up whilst she was away,"you could start my killing the flys,there must be half -a- dozen buzzing around.When she returned i told her i killed all 6 flys,5 females and a male,"how could you possibly know what sex they were"she asked.Easy,there were 5 resting on the phone and one on my beer can.

[Basil]

Five Important Qualities 1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job. 2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh. 3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you. 4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you. 5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.

[Basil]

Julie Andrews Turning 79 - this is hysterical!

To commemorate her birthday, actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at
Manhattan's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP.
One of the musical numbers she performed was 'My Favorite Things' from the legendary movie 'Sound Of Music'.



 SING IT ALOUD TO THE LYRICS BELOW

            Here are the lyrics she used:

Botox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Cadillacs and cataracts, hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.

When the joints ache, When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.

>>>>>>>>>>>>> > >>>>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>
(Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd
that lasted over four minutes and repeated encores. Feel free to
share this clever wit and humor with others who
would appreciate it.)



>
I was away for a few days and have about 60 joke Emails to sort thru..most are unsuitable for here esp. the Muslim ones doing the rounds so have posted a few that might pass muster.

 Subject: Sex After Death

 

 A couple made a deal  that whoever died first would come back and inform the other

 if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.

 

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to
his word, he made the first contact: "Marion, Marion."

 

"Is that you, Bob?"

 

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

 

"That's wonderful!  What's it like?"

 

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.
 I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.
Then I have lunch (you'd be proud -- lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course,
 then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again.
 Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again".

 

"Oh, Bob!  Are you in Heaven?"

 

"No... I'm a rabbit somewhere in  Northern NSW."

[Nevol]

Love both of them! :haha: :laughingneqw:  :laugh2:

[Basil]

In church last Sunday, I heard a sweet elderly lady in the pew next to me saying a prayer.
  It was so innocent and sincere that I just had to share it with you:
  "Dear Lord: The past year has been very tough for me.
  You have taken ... My favourite actor - James Garner; My favourite actress - Lauren Bacall;...
My favourite comedian - Robin Williams;
And finally, my favourite author -Tom Clancy.

I just wanted you to know that my favourite politicians are - Bill Shorten, Christine Milne, Sarah Hanson- Young, Geoff Shaw, Jacqui Lambie, and Clive Palmer. Amen!"

[JeffH]

Love it!
And it would be easy to select different names; either for greatest amusement factor with any present company or for the greatest antagonism of them.

[nealeffendi]

Crap, had to find out in a joke that James Garner is dead. Loved him in Darbys Rangers and The Great Escape.

[Goldseeker]

Brilliant.   Can't agree more........

[Basil]

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.  One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.  We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

 

Here's how it all went.

 

My engaged friend:

The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.  He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams...I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

 

 

The mistress:

Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

 

 

 

Then I had to share my story:

When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.  When he came in the door and saw me he said,

 

 

(you are going to love this..)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 *" What's for dinner, Zorro?*

[Unicorn]

:laugh2: ....... Brilliant Basil!!!

[Basil]

A Jew and an Arab go into a bakery.

The Arab steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.
 
He says to the Jew, "See how good I am? The owner didn't see anything."
 
The Jew says to the Arab, "That's typically dishonest of you Arabs. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."

He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick."

Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry.
 
The Jew swallows it and asks for another one.

The owner gives him another one.
 
Then the Jew asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.

The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "What did you do with the pastries?"

The Jew replies "Look in the Arab's pocket....."
An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him.




The waitress asks them for their orders.

The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?'
'Sounds great, I'll have the  same,' says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40  please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.'
The emu says, ' Sounds great, I'll have the same.'

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man..
' Same for me,' says the emu.  

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?'  

'Well, love' says  the  truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!'  

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.' says the man.
Still curious the waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'  


The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.

[Pedro]

:laugh2: Some beauties there!

Pedro

[Basil]

VOTED BEST JOKE IN IRELAND and maybe in the world!


John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife !"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night !

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of The night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John !" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John 's drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, " John won the prize the other night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".