The Laugh Thread

[JeffH]

That call centre joke is quite funny but smells like an urban myth.

[trout]

"The next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate inquired of Wills with a loud voice, 'Darling, does your prick still throb?' And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee! THAT is aplomb."

that punch line is absolutely "Priceless", I had tears in my eyes from laughing at that one:yahoo:

[Basil]

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.

They were determined to make this a real  vacation
By not wearing anything that would identify them
As  clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed
For a store and  bought some really outrageous shorts,
Shirts, sandals,  sunglasses, etc.



The next morning they went to the beach
Dressed in  their 'tourist' garb.
They were sitting on beach  chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and
    The scenery when a  'drop dead gorgeous' topless blonde came walking
    Straight towards  them .............They couldn't help but stare.




As the blonde passed them she smiled and  said
'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,'
Nodding  and addressing each of them individually,
Then she passed on by.  
    They were both  stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?
So the  next day, they went back to the store and bought even more  outrageous outfits.



     Once again, in  their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy  
    The sunshine. After  a little while, the same gorgeous topless blonde came walking toward  them. Again she nodded at each of them and said
'Good morning,  Father ~ Good morning, Father,' and started to walk away.  
   
    One of the priests  couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.'  
    'Yes,  Father?'
'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the  world did you know we are priests, dressed as we are?'
     
She replied,
 
   
   'Father, it's me,  Sister Kathleen..

 

 


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Guido the Italian Lover

 


A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman.

Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed.
This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion..

The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?" Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No."

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied. Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping ...

Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear,

 

"No, I'm Norwegian."

[Triggersmob]

[Basil]

E-Mail Note from a man in Sheffield to his friend in Birmingham:
 
I was fed up with being burgled every other day in my neighbourhood. So, I tore out my alarm system & de-registered from our local Neighbourhood Watch.

I've planted a Pakistani flag in each corner of my front garden and a large Black Flag of ISIL in its centre.
 
Now,the Yorkshire police, the National Security Bureau, Scotland Yard, MI-5, MI-6, the CIA and every other intelligence service in Europe are all watching my house 24x7x365.
 
My children are followed to school every day and my wife when she goes shopping.  I'm followed to and from work every day.  So no one bothers me at all.
 
I've never felt safer.
 
All Thanks to Allah.
ROMANCE

 

Barb was lying in bed one night.  Art was falling asleep but Barb was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

 

She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."

 

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

 

A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me..."

 

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

 

Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck..."

 

Angrily, Art threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

 

"Where are you going?" Barb asked..

 

"To get my teeth!"

____________________________________

 

DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER

 

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home.  She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"

 

An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"

 

Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."

_____________________________________

 

OLD FRIENDS

 

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.  Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

 

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me...  I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name.  I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it.  Please tell me what your name is."

 

Her friend glared at her.  For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.

 

Finally she said, "How soon do you need to Know?"

_____________________________________

 

SENIOR DRIVING

 

As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his car phone rang.  Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Vernon , I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on I-25.  Please be careful!"

 

"Hell," said Vernon, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

_____________________________________

 

SUPERSEX

 

A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.

 

As she ran, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex."

 

She ran up to an elderly man in a wheelchair, flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."

 

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."

_____________________________________

 

DRIVING

 

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard.  As they were cruising along, they came to major crossroad. The stop light was red, but they just went on through.

 

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it.  I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

 

After a few more minutes, they came to another major junction and the light was red again.  Again, they went right through.  The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.  She was getting nervous.

 

At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through.  So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row?  You could have killed us both!"

 

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"

[triplewitch]

My 85+ uncle was fumbling with his credit cards at the WalMart checkout to pay for the groceries. The cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."
More than a little flustered uncle Gerald said he made a mental note to complain to the local police department about this security rubbish. ANYWAY, he did just as she had instructed.
After the shrieking and hysteria finally subsided, he found out that she was referring to how he should position his banking card in the processor.
"Nonetheless" he said, "we've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future."
"You need to make your instructions a little clearer for us seniors" he said while shaking his finger in the store manager's face.
Don't you just hate this getting old stuff?

[JeffH]

I visited the office of the RSPCA today. It's tiny; you couldn't swing a cat in there.

Barry is distracted -texting while driving- and crashes into the back of a dwarf's car smashing the bumper and lights real good.
The dwarf gets out, looks at all the damage, and growls "I'm not happy".
"Well, which one are ya then?" asks Barry.

Two blowflies are sitting on a cow pat when one says to the other "Hey Bazza, want to hear a funny joke?"
"Yeah sure" comes the reply. "But I'm eating so it better not involve anything disgusting."

[Basil]

It's breakfast time, and a woman asks her husband,
"Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast,
and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"
 
He declines.

"Thanks for asking, but, I'm not hungry right now.
"It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
 
At lunchtime, she asks him if he'd like something.
"How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"
 
He declines.

"The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."
 
Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat.
"Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie?
Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"
 
He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."
 
"Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."

[triplewitch]

http://www.gocomics.com/pearlsbeforeswine/2015/01/28

[Australian coin]

[JeffH]

Just call him "Stan" from now on. How did you score the gig with Rebel, Uni?
STAN the unicorn

[Unicorn]

It's funny you know Jeff, in the midnight hour she just kept yelling more more more. Then the police were called so I told her don't Stan so, don't Stan so, don't Stan so close to me. So I quess the name stuck. (Like skittles to clay).

[robbiegal]

gawd
that was clever Uni

[Pedro]

Nah, I'll Stan by You looks more appropriate!

Pedro

[Unicorn]

:laugh2: .... I suppose someone has to stan by her as .... she'll never never be any good.