The Laugh Thread

[JeffH]

Funniest Joke I Ever Heard 1984 Jimmy Stewart

[ausjack]

[Basil]

I have a little Satnav, It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend, it tells you where you are.
I have a little Satnav, I've had it all my life
It's better than the normal ones, my Satnav is my wife.
It gives me full instructions, especially how to drive
"It's sixty k's an hour", it says, "You're doing sixty five".
It tells me when to stop and start, and when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever, safe to overtake.
It tells me when a light is red, and when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively, just when to intervene.
It lists the vehicles just in front, and all those to the rear
And taking this into account, it specifies my gear.
I'm sure no other driver, has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car, it still gives its advice.
It fills me up with counselling, each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it, and get a quieter sort?
Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, makes sure I'm properly fed
It washes all my shirts and things, and keeps me warm in bed!
Despite all these advantages, and my tendency to scoff,
I only wish that now and then, I could turn the bugger off.

[robbiegal]

OMG Basil
That IS me
I am NOT going to show the hubby this - what so ever!! ha ha

[triplewitch]

Let's see if this one gets by...

Fixing the Outhouse ~

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"

"Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!

"Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

To which Ma replies, "Hurts, don't it?!"

[Robster]

Still laughing.!! :wavemulticolor:

[Goldseeker]

That is a beauty.   Love it.

[Basil]

I was at my bank today; there was a short line.

There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.

It was obvious she was very irritated ...

She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen.

Today I only get hunat eighty?

Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said,

"Fluctuations."

The Asian lady then says, "Don't speak to me like that.......Fluc you whities too!"

[robbiegal]

As it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority, try this one:

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Ghurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Jordanian, a Kiwi, a Swede, a Finn, a Canadian, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, an Argentinian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist and an African all went to a night club.


The bouncer said, "Sorry, but I can't let you in without a Thai."

[proof27]

:laughingneqw:

[Goose]

Very good.....I almost choked on my coffee while reading the punch line.

[Unicorn]

[Basil]

These Are Entries To A Washington Post Competition Asking For A Two-Line Rhyme With The Most Romantic First Line And The Least Romantic Second Line:

 

1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:

Marrying you has screwed up my life.

 

2. I see your face when I am dreaming.

That's why I always wake up screaming.

 

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;

This describes everything you are not.

 

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,

But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.

 

5. I thought that I could love no other--

that is until I met your brother.

 

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.

But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

 

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;

But don't take that paper bag off your face.

 

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes

Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

 

9. My love, you take my breath away.

What have you stepped in to smell this way?

 

10. My feelings for you no words can tell,

Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'

 

11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?

Two parts vodka, one part lime.

 

WHO SAID POETRY IS BORING?!

[nealeffendi]

Basil, if they had that poetry in school it would have made the subject fun.
Seriously LOL.

[triplewitch]

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerk called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.
The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital.
A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.
"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.
He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"
He replied, "No money in the bank."
Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to Christ."
The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."