The Laugh Thread

[Unicorn]

May the 4th be with you ......

[ausjack]

Women's survey on size ..........

Women's response to ...
2 inches - I can't even hold it.

3 inches - Never been so unsatisfied

4 inches- I've had bigger than it ..

5 inches- Good, but I wish a bit bigger!

6 inches- perfect.

7 inches- Love it.

8 inches - Wow!, but cant have it all.

9 inches - Painful but manageable.

10 inches- Too much pressure on stomach.

This survey was Customer's Feedback on different SIZES of Subway Sandwiches.

But I love the way you think!....

[JeffH]

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he pulls out his wallet, but the barber replies "I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week." The following morning, when the barber opens his shop, a Thank You card and a dozen roses await him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and the same thing happens. The next morning when the barber opens up, there is a Thank You card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a member of parliament comes in. Same thing. The next morning, when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen members of parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.

[Unicorn]

[keldaw]

WOWZERS Batman

[ausjack]

The teacher was telling the kids about the birds and the bees and she explained that when a man and a woman meet and fall in love, nine months later the stork usually brings them a little baby from its nest..

Little Gemma at the back of the class put her hand up and asks the teacher, "Are you sure about the stork, miss? I think you're getting your birds mixed up 'cos my big sister just got a little baby and she said it was from a shag at the beach..!!!"

[JeffH]

Oh, a gurner!

[ausjack]

That's it, they said my teeth would come out due to medication so I might get them taken out early just so I can do things like that, that's a shocker Jeff :laugh2: Reminds me of olive oil and he only needs a pipe And for his next trick he turns him self inside out :winkextra:

[ausjack]

I want one :laugh2:


this just 'cause it's cute  :blush2:

[nealeffendi]

That is one cute little mouse:heart:

[triplewitch]

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.
She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically,
"Now you stay. Do you hear me?"
"Stay! Stay!"
The driver of a nearby car, a pretty young blonde, gave me a strange look and said, (this is going to hurt read on)
"Why don't you just put it in 'Park'?"

[Goldseeker]

Blondes, I don't know........!

[ausjack]

Bit lame but it's really wet today so I'm bored
Number One.


 

"I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control centre in Brisbane. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and, at the end of the conversation, happened to mention that she had given her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away".


 

Number Two.


 

Some Boeing employees on the airfield in Sydney decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Westpac Rescue Helicopter coming towards  them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.


 

Number Three.


 

A man, wanting to rob a Bank of Queensland, walked into the Branch and wrote 'Put all ya muny in this beeg.' While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank and crossed the street to the NAB Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the Harbour, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of Queensland deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a NAB deposit slip or go back to Bank of Queensland. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, 'OK' and left.
He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at the Bank of Queensland.

Happened in Brisbane.


 

Number Four.

A guy walked into a little corner store in Cairns with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the  cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, 'Because I don't believe you are over 21.'
The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't  believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's licence out  of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.
The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store  with his loot.
The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that she got off the licence. They arrested the robber two hours later.


Number Five.


A pair of robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, 'Nobody move!' When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
Happened in Adelaide


Number Six .

A guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a brick through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the brick and heaved it over his
head at the window. The brick bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Flexi-Glass... The whole event was caught on videotape.
Happened in Perth WA .


Number seven.


"My daughter went to a local McDonalds and ordered a burger. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said was sorry, but they only had iceberg."

Happened in Surfer's Paradise.


Number eight.

"I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, ''Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded. "That's why we ask."

Happened in Melbourne ...


Number nine.

"When my husband and I arrived at a car dealers to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!' His reply, 'I know - I already done that side.'"
Happened at the FORD dealership Dubbo

[Robster]

:laughingneqw: Fun read.!!

[Nightparrot]

Thanks ausjack, they are great! Particularly like the life raft one...