The Laugh Thread

[JeffH]

I know what you will be thinking...........no job vacancies there!

[Unicorn]

What a lovely offer Jeff! I'd be willing to return the favour :laugh2:

[JeffH]

Let's meet up halfway and do a simultaneous gig.

[Unicorn]

We might just do that Jeff! Have some pups ready in the next few weeks, so if I'm heading your way I'll give you the heads up ...... or should that be "bottoms up". :laugh2:

[Unicorn]

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."


The driver says, "Goodness, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating." 

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says,
"Now don't be silly, dear. You know that this car doesn't have cruise control" 

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,
"Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?" 
The wife smiles demurely and says,

"Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,
"Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?" 

The officer frowns and says,
"And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says,
"Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving." 

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks,
"WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks,
"Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?" 
"Only when he's been drinking."

[JeffH]

Good one Uni,
No doubt the name of this joke is "driven to drink".

[JeffH]

This is a bit naughty. If you might be offended don't scroll down.

[Unicorn]

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

[JeffH]

A man is sitting at a bar just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener.
And now you show up and drink my poison."

[Pedro]

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

https://www.news.com.au/lifestyle/relationships/marriage/im-24-and-my-husband-is-85/news-story/ffe90bd71bfbfe4332292a753c85595e

 :winkextra: Ah, so the answer was IVF.

Pedro

[Triggersmob]

:winkextra: Ah, so the answer was IVF.

Pedro

No, it was the gardener.

[serenitystan]

This bloke rings up for a quote on a brain transplant. The receptionist informs him that we have three brains for sale, a scientists brain for $20.000, a doctors brain for $35.000 and a politicians brain for $100.000 dollars...The bloke asks why a $100.000 dollars for a politicians brain and the receptionist "says", Well sir it's virtually brand new and has hardly been used..

[Unicorn]

[JeffH]

An old, blind Marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind Marine thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

[Basilstate]

HeHe.....