The Laugh Thread

[trout]

Thanks Basil.
I needed a bit of cheering up after the News events of the last few days :good:

[Basil]

Thanks Jim..

This is more clever than funny.Church Services in 2018

 

PASTOR:     "The Lord be with you!"        
 
 
CONGREGATION: "And with your spirit"        
 
 
PASTOR:     "Will everyone please turn on their tablet, PC, iPad, smart phone, and Kindle Bibles to 1 Corinthians, 13:13.        
 
 
And please switch on your Bluetooth to download the sermon."        
 
P-a-u-s-e......        

 

"Now, Let us pray committing this week into God's hands.        
 

Open your Apps, BBM, Twitter and Facebook, and chat with God"        
 
 S-i-l-e-n-c-e        
 
 "As we take our Sunday tithes and offerings, please have your credit and debit cards ready."        
 

"You can log on to the church Wi-Fi using the password 'Lord909887.'        
 

The ushers will circulate mobile card swipe machines among the worshipers:        
 
a.       Those who prefer to make electronic fund transfers are directed to computers and laptops at the rear of the church.    

 

b.       Those who prefer to use iPads can open them.

       

c.       Those who prefer telephone banking, take out your cell phones to transfer your contributions to the church account.        
 
The holy atmosphere of St. Matthews becomes truly electrified as ALL the smart phones, iPads, PCs and laptops beep and flicker!      


Final Blessing and Closing Announcements.        


a.  This week's ministry cell meetings will be held on the various Facebook group  pages where the usual group chatting takes place.  Please log in and don't miss out.

b.       Thursday's Catechism Study will be held live on Skype at 1900hrs GMT.  Please don't miss out.        
 
c.       You can follow your Pastor on Twitter this  weekend for counselling and prayers.

 

God bless and have a nice day.

[JeffH]

Here's one for Fulvio (and everyone else).

[Basil]

   

[Goose]

The truth was never more prominent.

[Basil]

Medical Terms....
 >  
 ............ Redneck Definition
 
> Artery
 >-
 > The study of paintings
**********************************
> Bacteria
 >-
 > Back door to cafeteria
**************************************
> Barium
 >-
 > What doctors do when patients die
 ******************************************
> Benign
 >-
 > What you be, after you be eight
 *************************************
> Caesarean Section
 >-
 > A neighbourhood in Rome
 ***********************************
> Cat scan
 >-
 > Searching for Kitty
 **************************
> Cauterize
 >-
 > Made eye contact with her
 **************************
> Colic
 >-
 > A sheep dog
 ******************************
> Coma
 >-
 > A punctuation mark
*********************************
> Dilate
 >-
 > To live long
 *****************************
> Enema
 >-
 > Not a friend
 ********************************
> Fester
 >-
 > Quicker than someone else
 *****************************
> Fibula
 >-
 > A small lie
*********************************
> Impotent
 >-
 > Distinguished, well known
 ******************************
> Labor Pain
 >-
 > Getting hurt at work
 *******************************
> Medical Staff
 >-
 > A Doctor's cane
 ********************************
> Morbid
 >-
 > A higher offer
 *******************************
> Nitrates
 >-
 > Rates of Pay for Working at Night,
> Normally more money than Days
 *************************************
> Node
 >-
 > I knew it
 ******************************
> Outpatient
 >-
 > A person who has fainted
 ***********************************
> Pelvis
 >-
 > Second cousin to Elvis
*************************************
> Post Operative
 >-
 > A letter carrier
 ****************************
> Recovery Room
 >-
 > Place to do upholstery
 ***************************
> Rectum
 >-
 > Nearly killed him
 *************************
> Secretion
 >-
 > Hiding something
***********************
> Seizure
 >-
 > Roman Emperor
 ************************
> Tablet
 >-
 > A small table
 ***************************
> Terminal Illness
 >-
 > Getting sick at the airport
 *******************************
> Tumor
 >-
 > One plus one more
 ***************************
> Urine
 > -
 > Opposite of you're out
 
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

[Basil]

[JeffH]

Not funny really. That hoary old chestnut keeps bobbing up -every non-leap year February has four of each day of the week.
Not blaming you Basil (no doubt you just sent it on) but someone keeps circulating it.

[Basil]

Not blaming you Basil (no doubt you just sent it on) but someone keeps circulating it.

Yeah does the rounds,scary thing is i think i posted it here before.

[Basil]

Why we shouldn't lie

​.​

 

We were dressed and ready to go out for a dinner and theatre evening.

​  ​

We turned on a 'night light', turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parrot and put the cat in the backyard.

​ ​

We phoned the local taxi company and requested a cab.

 

The taxi arrived, and we opened the front door to leave the house.

​ ​

As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard scooted back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to get at the parrot.

​  ​

My wife walked on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat.

​  ​

The cat ran upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.

 

Waiting in the cab, my wife didn't want the driver to know that the house would be empty for the night, so she explained to the taxi driver that I would be out soon.

​

"He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."

 

A few minutes later, I got into the cab."Sorry I took so long", I said, as we drove away."That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her arse with a coat hanger to get her to come out.

​  ​

She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck.

​ ​

Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me.

​  ​

But it worked, so I hauled her downstairs and threw her out into the backyard.

​ ​

She'd better not crap in the vegetable garden again!"

 

The silence in the taxi was deafening.

 

[trout]

They just keep getting better and better Mate :laugh2::laugh2::laugh2:

[gnome]

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly. One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."

The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong." So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"

The old man said, "I thought it was gas - but I was wrong, too!"

[Basil]

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge says, "First offender?" She says, "No, first a Gibson, then a Fender!"
***************************************************************************
A young guy from Griffith moves to Sydney and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in Griffith."Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job."You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor."How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One".The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day. That must change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Sydney. One sale a day might have been acceptable in Griffith, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kind of bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"The kid looks up at his boss and says "$151,237.65."The boss, astonished, says $151,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin-engine Haines Hunter. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Nissan Patrol."The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4X4!?"The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing".

[JeffH]

That is a definite laugh out loud one. :laughingneqw: I did not see that punch line coming.

[Pedro]

:good:

Very prescient gnome in the light of cricket events later in the day!

Pedro