The Laugh Thread

[Basil]

While the C-5 transport aircraft was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave the soldiers on board the usual information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc.

Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your Captain, Judith Campbell and crew, take you safely to Afghanistan.'

An old Sergeant sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, 'Did I hear her right,? Is the Captain a Woman? '

When the attendant came by he said 'Did I understand you right,? Is the Captain a Woman.?'

'Yes!', said the attendant, 'In fact, this Entire Crew is Female.'

'My God,' he said, 'I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit.'

'That's another thing, Sergeant,' said the crew member, 'We No Longer Call It The Cockpit'
"Ïts the boxoffice".
***********************************************************
Play on Chemists being introduced into Supermarkets.........
In the queue at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Coles supermarket. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars. A lot cheaper than a doctor."
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Coles supermarket. He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Coles supermarket."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Coles supermarket, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer printed the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9).
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7).
3. Your daughter has a crack habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
Thank you for shopping at Coles Supermarket....
*********************************************************
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."

"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."

"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"

"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"

"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished.
"You must tell me all about it!"

"Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother - 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted.. and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!"

"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"

"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister.. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"

"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized Mother.

"But I didn't, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!"

"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile..
"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished,
"because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started
struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said... "You missed the F####ing putt, didn't you?"

[Basil]

History of the Condom

I've always been a student of history but I didn't know this.

In 1272, the Arabic Muslims invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.

In 1873, the British refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

 

*******************************************************

Redneck Pregnancy

A redneck went to the hospital, as his wife was having a baby.

Upon arriving, he sat down as the nurse said to him, "Congratulations, your wife has had quintuplets, five big baby boys."

The redneck said, "I'm not surprised. I have a penis the size of a chimney."

The nurse replied, "You might want to consider getting it cleaned. They're all black

[Pedro]

:laugh2:

Pedro

[gnome]

A very sad day today.
After several years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after just one minor indiscretion - he slept with one of his patients and can now no longer work in the profession.
What a waste of all that training and money.
A genuinely nice guy and an excellent vet.

[JeffH]

Father Christmas was not in a very good frame of mind - in fact he was very depressed.

That morning after breakfast, Mrs Santa had told him that her Mother was coming over to stay 'for a few days' and he knew that would be for several weeks, and as Christmas was approaching her visit was the last thing that he wanted.

The elves had been playing up and had gone on strike for more pay. The replacement elves Santa had put in were much slower and the number of toys that had been made was way down.

Father Christmas went to visit his reindeers and found that two of them were pregnant and another two had kicked down the fence and had disappeared into the forest. He was by now even more depressed.

What I need is a drink he thought, but upon going indoors he found that his whisky bottle was empty and there was nothing left to drink in his liquor cabinet -no wonder Rudolph has a red nose. Deciding upon coffee instead he went into the kitchen but managed to drop the jar of coffee all over the floor. Now he really was cheesed off!

He went to fetch the broom to sweep up the mess but found that mice had chewed off all the bristles.

At that moment there was a knock at the front door.

Upon opening it, Father Christmas was confronted by a beautiful fairy holding a lovely Christmas tree.

"Good Morning, Santa" she called "Isn't it a really lovely day. I have bought you this beautiful tree, isn't it nice? Where would you like it?"

And that is how the tradition of a Fairy sitting on top of our Christmas trees began.

[Unicorn]

:laugh2: Love them G & Jeff!!!!

[JeffH]

I think mine is an oldie.....but a goodie. Resurrected it just because of the season.

[humpybong]

Yeah...I loved them both as well...so much that I have posted them on the Knights of the Coin Table website.

Very good!

[trout]

HeHe
I didn't see that Vet one coming :laugh2:

[triplewitch]

Two seniors are in their rocking chairs on the porch.
He leans over to her and says "I know what you want, and I'll do it right there for $5."
She doesn't say anything.
He continues, "For $10 we can move inside to the couch."
She still doesn't say anything.
Then, "For $20 we can go to your room."
She reaches down into her pocket and brings up a wrinkled $20 bill.
"Ah," he says, "you want a romantic evening in your room."
"H--l no!', she says, "I want it four times right now."

[Basil]

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, "Dark in here."  The man says, "Yes, it is."  Boy - "I have a baseball."  Man - "That's nice."  Boy - "Want to buy it?"  Man - "No, thanks."  Boy - "My dad's outside."  Man - "OK, how much?"  Boy - "$250" In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy - "Dark in here."  Man - "Yes, it is."  Boy - "I have a baseball glove."  The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"  Boy - "$750" Man - "Fine." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" Boy - "$1,000" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here."  The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."
***********************************************************
Devastated.A very sad day today. After seven years of training in the medical fields and hard work, a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his clients and can now no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training and money...A genuinely nice guy and an absolutely brilliant mortician.

[Pedro]

Well done Basil on keeping the cackles coming! :good:

Pedro

[Basil]

Thanks Pedro,one of the lynchpins in our Email link is in Hospital but they come thru in dribs & drabs and every so often there are some good ones.

[Basil]

Not sure if i've posted this before so apt.
**************************

Changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much
faster now.

 

Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink
like their fathers.

 

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone?
That's common sense leaving your body.

 

I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.

 

I decided to stop calling the bathroom the "John" and renamed it the "Jim"..
I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

 

Old age is coming at a really bad time.    When I was a child I thought "Nap
Time" was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.

 

The biggest lie I tell myself is."I don't need to write that down, I'll
remember it."

 

I don't have grey hair; I have "wisdom highlights." I'm just very wise.

 

Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a
piece of paper.

 

If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees.

 

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.

 

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me
to someone I can't understand anyway?

 

Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice.

 

At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I
came in there for.

 

I am a Seenager. (Senior teenager) I have everything that I wanted as a
teenager, only 60 years later.

I don't have to go to school or work.
I get an allowance every month.
I have my own pad.
I don't have a curfew.
I have a driver's license and my own car.
I have ID that gets me into bars and the whisky store.
The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant.
And I don't have acne.

 

Life is great. I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I
can't remember their names.

[JeffH]

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me
to someone I can't understand anyway?

Too true. And the unsolicited calls from the "Tax Office", "Infringement Department" and such all feature a heavy Indian accent with a very short, common Anglo name. :laugh2: