The Laugh Thread

[Basil]

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/C6SyDrVUwAAX-bq.jpg

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/C6NzVLhVUAAoyXJ.jpg

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/C6RyQF2UwAIoRWI.jpg

[Basil]

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/C6bsB7pVMAAb7u3.jpg

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/C6Xk2BqU0AAtWQy.jpg

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/C6Ir82JUwAAEIbf.jpg

[gnome]

One Day In Dublin
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender says to him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank together."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone is fine. It's me..."
"...I've quit drinking!"

[ausjack]

:laugh2:

[Unicorn]

Love it G!!! :laugh2:

[gnome]

A Pregnant Blonde ..........
The other day my neighbour, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy!
I didn't know why she was jumping for joy. I thought, what the heck, and I starting jumping up and down along with her.
She said, " I have some really great news!"
 I said, "Great. Tell me why you're so happy."
She stopped jumping and, breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant!
I knew that she had been trying for a while so I told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier for you!"
Then she said, "There's more."
I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?"
She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have twins
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.
 She said...
"That was the easy part. I went to ALDI and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both tests came out positive!"

[Pedro]

:laugh2:

Pedro

[Goose]

Luckily Aldi didn't have a 6 pack......she'd be jumping into next week.

[Unicorn]

Oh dear, they just keep getting worse ....... poor soul .....

http://www.ebay.com.au/itm/182487814758

I just love their description:

Rare as emu and kangaroo 50 cent piece for sale. Made in Australia in 2001. Only ever seen a few of these in circulation. My guess is they are as rare as emu teeth. Octagonal shape.

Gave it a good polish so it look good in your collection.

Sorry to see this once go. Regretful sale, but selling to make way for some larger currency.

[Pedro]

:kez_15:

Pedro

[gnome]

y e ppp

[ausjack]

Oh dear, they just keep getting worse ....... poor soul .....

http://www.ebay.com.au/itm/182487814758

I just love their description:

Rare as emu and kangaroo 50 cent piece for sale. Made in Australia in 2001. Only ever seen a few of these in circulation. My guess is they are as rare as emu teeth. Octagonal shape.

Gave it a good polish so it look good in your collection.

Sorry to see this once go. Regretful sale, but selling to make way for some larger currency.

:laugh2: yes that belongs in the joke section Uni.

Obviously they don't get many coins in their change and don't realise there's a difference between and octagon, having eight sides and a dodecagon that has twelve but I suppose that's close enough. But at least they gave it a "good polish" :blink: But I'd like to know what they meant by "making way for larger currency"..are they going to be releasing a bigger coin than the 50 cent for  circulation :scratch_one-s_head:

[Basil]

GUARANTEED TO OFFEND SOMEBODY!

 

I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm bless him.

I shouted - "Where you off to Charlie?"

He said, "I'm off to change a light bulb."

Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing, then said,

"That's gonna be a bit awkward init?"

"Not really." he said. "I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard."

______________________________ __________


Went out last night and got really wasted.

I woke up this morning next to a fat old bird who was snoring ..

So, at least I got home OK.

______________________________ __________


 


Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control in Athens airport.

"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.

"German," she replies.k

"Occupation?

"No, just here for a few days."

______________________________ __________


 
As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Parking Officer's funeral,

A voice from inside screams:

"I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"

The Vicar smiles, leans forward, sucking air through his teeth and mutters,

"Too late, mate, the paperwork's already done."

______________________________ __________


 


I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night.

Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

______________________________ __________
 


After both suffering from depression for a while,

Me and the missus were going to commit suicide together yesterday.

Strangely enough, however, once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better.

So I thought - sod it, I'll soldier on.

______________________________ __________


 
I woke up this morning at 8 and could sense something was wrong.

I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor,

Not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do.

Then I remembered the local cafe serves breakfast until 11.30.

______________________________ __________


 
"Jesus Loves You."

Nice to hear in church but not in a Mexican prison.

______________________________ __________


 
Got caught having a pee in the local swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud I nearly fell in.

______________________________ __________


 
I woke to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and noticed

A burglar sneaking through next door's garden.

Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked

him over the head with a shovel killing him instantly.

He then began to dig a grave with the shovel.

Astonished, I got back into bed.

My wife said "Darling, you're shaking, what is it?"

"You'll never believe what I've just seen!"

I said, "That tosser next door has still got my bloody shovel."

______________________________ __________


 
A man is seeking to join the Glasgow Police force.

The Sergeant doing the interview says:

"Your qualifications all look good,

But there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."

Then, sliding a pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, he says:

"Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants,

Six drug dealers, six  extremists, and a rabbit"

The man being interviewed asks, "Why the rabbit?"

"Excellent" says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"

[gnome]

Some classics there, Basil

[ausjack]

:laugh2: :agreed: