The Laugh Thread

[JeffH]

Q. If Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are in a boat and it capsizes. Who survives?
Answer below



A. America.

[Goose]

No loss, but at least America survived.

[Basil]

An old geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time, became very bored and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: Dr. Geezer's clinic. "Get your treatment for $500, if not cured get back $1,000."
Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know anything about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get an easy $1,000.
So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic

This is what happened.
Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?"
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."
Dr. Young: "Aagh! This is gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young gets annoyed and leaves in a haste. He's angry now, and spends the next few days trying to figure out a way to recover his money. He returns to Dr. Geezer's office once he thinks of a clever plan...

Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Dr. Young: "Oh no you don't. That is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young, after having lost $1000 total, leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak. I can hardly see!"
Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so... Here's your $1000 back."
Dr. Young: "But this is only $500..."
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."
***********************************************************
A hippy gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun. He sits down next to her, and asks her: "Can we have sex?"

"No," she replies, "I'm married to God." She stands up, and gets off at the next stop.

The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippy and says: "I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!"

"Yeah?", says the hippy.

"Yeah!", say the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray.
So all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood. Put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard,
and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."

The hippy decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night.

"I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face. "Have sex with me."

The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity.

'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.

"Ha-ha," he cries. "I'm the hippy!"

"Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I'm the bus driver!"
*********************************************************
Paddy bought a camel from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver
the camel the next day.
In the morning he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news.
The camel's died.'

Paddy replied, 'Well just give me my money back then.' The farmer said,
'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'
Paddy said, 'OK then, just bring me the dead camel.'
The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'
Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.' The farmer said, 'You can't
raffle a dead camel!'
Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, 'What happened with
that dead camel?'
Paddy said, 'I raffled him off.

I sold 500 tickets at $2 each and made a profit of $898' The farmer said,
'Didn't anyone complain?'
Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $2 back.'


Paddy now works for the Commonwealth Bank of Australia.

[ausjack]

:laughingneqw: thanks Basil, needed a laugh

[Basil]

No worries AJ,they are all doing the rounds of the Internet and not sure if i have posted them previously or not.

.....

Now on sale at IKEA - LESBIAN beds, no nuts or screwing  involved, it's all tongue and groove

 

A Muslim has been shot in the head with a starting pistol; police say it's definitely race related...

 

Due to a water shortage in Ireland , Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8...

 

Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one but after  looking through her knickers drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police woman's uniform, he finally decided if she can't hold down a job, she's not for him...

 

Paddy is doing some roofing work for Murphy. He nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and going dizzy. He calls down to Murphy and says" I tink I will ave to go home, I've come all over giddy and feel sick."

Murphy asks "Ave yer got vertigo?" Paddy replies "No I only live round the corner"...

 

 After 100 years lying on the seabed, Irish divers were amazed to find that the Titanic's swimming pool was still full...

***************************************************************
He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.
He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."
"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from an Eucalyptus tree."
"But, where did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.
Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down."
"Would you like a drink?" "No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."
"Oh, it's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?" When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months.You must have been lonely. When was the last time you played around? She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
"You've built a Golf Course too?"
*************************************************************
Hypochondriacs make me sick!
Do pocket calculators count pockets?
Autopsy is a dying art!
The meek shall inherit the Earth – if that's all right with you!
Racial prejudice is a pigment of the imagination!
Legalise telepathy – I knew you were going to say that!
Apathy rules – so what!
Try yoga – it's made of real milk!
There's no future in time travel!
Cyclops wore a contact lens!
Was the great escape a cell-out?
Insanity is hereditary – you get it from your kids!
If music be the food of love - I need retuning!
Please make sure your brain is engaged before you put your mouth in gear!
My cat took first prize at the show – he ate the prize canary!
When society turns to graffiti - the writing is on the wall!
If you think life's a joke - tell me the punch line!
Keep death off the roads - drive on the footpath!
Baby sitar wanted for young Indian musician!
Have you seen the invisible man lately?
Save the trees – eat a beaver!
I used to be apathetic – but now I just don't care!
Is there any intelligent life on Earth? – Yes, but I'm only here at weekends!
Repeal the law of gravity!
Drink varnish – it gives a lovely finish!
Is the ambidextrous society right or wrong?
Don't walk on the grass – jump on it!
Tolkien is hobbit-forming!
I'm not perfect but parts of me are perfect!
Carry an umbrella – you know they can't walk!
Hypochondria is the only disease I don't have!
Fresh air smells funny!
Be kind to animals – kiss a shark!
Man has his will but woman has her way!
Milk is full of natural goodness – so is manure! (signed Who Flung Dung).
Nostalgia is a thing of the past!
Wonder Woman is a fake (signed the Bionic Man)!
When I saw my optician he made a right spectacle of himself.
Dracula loves in vein!
Eskimos are God's frozen people!
Is Dogma a puppy mummy?
Smoking is a drag.
Epilepsy is the survival of the fit!
Write to fish – drop them a line!
Tarzan is a swinger!
Are Parisian swimmers insane?
Heroes and small shoes don't admit defeat!
A La Carte – you can have wots on the cart!
Don't ride your bikes fast – they are too tired!
Do jelly babies wear gum boots?
What's the punishment for bigamy? – Two mothers-in-law!
Do not adjust your mind – there is a fault in reality!
Punk's not dead – it just smells funny!
My psychiatrist told me I was cured of indecision – at least that's what I thought he said!
I love mankind – it's the people I can't stand!
Miss Piggy is a ham!
Give ants a break – walk on one leg!
First there was no way – Zen there was!
Sibling rivalry is for kids!
Save water – dilute it!
Lower the age of adolescence – Now!
Predestination was doomed to failure from the start!
I used to be arrogant – but now I'm perfect!
Cheese grates on me!
And the Angel of the Lord came down and said to the shepherds, "Beat it, this is cattle country" – (Signed, Big Mac).
Exits are on the way out!
Steve is a stupid Mooron – I may be stupid but at least I can spell Moreon!
Where there's a will there's a relative!
Beethoven was so deaf he thought he was a painter.
I'm pink, therefore I'm Spam!
A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle!
Radioactive cats have 18½ lives!
The upper-crust are just lots of crumbs sticking together!
I used to be undecided but now I'm not so sure!
Death is best – that's why they leave it till last!
Start an underground movement – bury yourself!
There's no such thing as a civil engineer!
I've lived on vegetables all my life – that's nothing I've lived on Earth!
Is a Kangaroo a woolly jumper?
Prune juice sets you free!
A pen can be driven but a pencil must be lead!
You can't beat British quality – you can't find it either!
Pirate Radio rules the waves!
Church fairs are bazaar!
Prevent accidents – start doing things on purpose!
Procrastinate now!
Do dinosaurs pass exams with extinction?
Be a missionary – give cannibals a taste of Christianity!
I hate graffiti – come to think of it, I hate all Italian food!
Cinderella married for money (she really put her foot in it)!
Is guillotine a French shopping centre?
Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery!
Take an astronaut out to launch!
Sudden prayers make God jumpy!
Is an aspersion a donkey from Persia?
Free the Indianapolis 500!
No matter how short girls' skirts get – they'll always be above two feet!
Our Art teacher was away so often he's known as the artful dodger!
Isaac Newton was a down-to-earth man!
Poverty means watching the World go buy!
Was Mozart an opera tunist?
Down with gravity!
Wake up to insomnia!
My fracture's not what it's cracked up to be!
Become a guillotine and get ahead!
Reincarnation is making a come-back!
If you're feeling run down take the car's number!
Moses found in basket – reed all about it!
Why pick on guitars?
Stairs are on the up and up!
Smoking stunts the growth – (Tom Thumb)!
We are the people our parents warned us against!
Every dog has its day – and those with broken tails their weak ends!
Some people are like blisters – they appear when the work is done!
Dr Jekyll is a changed man (you should meet his wife)!
Achilles was a heel!
Don't complain about the tea – you might be old and weak yourself one day!
A bachelor is an unaltered male!
What's one of the hardest things to do – milk puddings!
Nuclear food sold here – fission chips!
Amnesia rules....er....um....!
Why do postmen get the sack every day?
Don't play cards in the jungle – they're all cheetahs!
Lemmings are on the brink of extinction!
Is fjord a Swedish car?
If you've seen one nuclear war you've seen them all!
You're never alone with a schizophrenic!
Save barbers work – get rid of the lunatic fringe!
Get an everyday job – strike!
When I get old will the calves of my legs be cows?
Stamp out philately – now!
Why doesn't somebody teach humming birds the words?
Murder is a dying profession!
Is clumsiness catching – no, dropping!
Can a match box? – No but a tin can!
Count Dracula drinks bloody marys!
Preserve wildlife – pickle a duck!
Wellington's wife was an old boot!

[Unicorn]

:laugh2: ..... You're always on form Basil

Here's one I got this morning .....

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant, and order the 'Chicken Surprise'.

The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around, before the lid slams back down.

'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hadn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and  again the lid rises and he sees two little eyes, looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'

The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise'

''Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck by mistake'....

[JeffH]

Somebody threw a bottle of omega-3 at Trevor.

It's OK though; he only has super fish oil injuries.

[Unicorn]

[autocoupler]

Agriculture is apparently considered one of their sleeper industries, in point, is signaled to hopefully fast track the economy to express status. Depending on your station, first class is available as well, but it's tough to push a barrow up a grade. Hope nobody gets off the rails and spirals into a tunnel over it though.  :angel::biggrin:

[Unicorn]

:laugh2: .... On ya Auto, I thought it may drive the train enthusiasts Loco!

[JeffH]

Hey Uni, did you miss mine just before the onlline produce?

[Unicorn]

:laugh2: ..... Nah, I saw it ..... but thought it may have been a red herring? Now where's that lightly buttered kipper than I plan to put down your throat whilst you're sleeping.

[JeffH]

That sound like a fishy explanation to me. Just squidding!
(Sorry, big day out in the sun -mostly on a roof so too many rays I cod have done without- and the old brain has bass-ically haddock enough.)

[Unicorn]

You're a brave man scaling the roof in this heat, lucky you didn't fall off the perch!

[JeffH]

It was a scary roof -very high pitch and the colorbond had gone rather "chalky". Green colorbond seems to deteriorate quickly.
Good thing I had my new pair of KT26's on -only second day of them. Still had to be careful to put my feet on the screw heads to get extra grip. Nearly at the point of spraying the soles with the "Belt grip" but that is a pain; can't get off the ladder without removing shoes because you get soles loaded up with rubbish as soon as you step on the ground.