The Laugh Thread

[Goldseeker]

Maybe the teaching of SAFETY is not being reinforced enough!

[Basil]

Three elderly golfers are walking down the fairway."Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old, "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time nothing happens.""Ah, that's nothing," said the 70-year-old. "When you're 70, you don't have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothing happens.""Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all." "Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old. "No, I pee every morning at 6.00 am. I pee like a racehorse; no problem at all." "Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?" "No, I have one every morning at 6.30 am."Puzzled with this the 60-year-old said, "Let's get this straight. You pee every morning at 6.00 am and crap every morning at 6.30 am. So what's so tough about being 80?""I don't wake up until seven.
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Two friends, a visiting Czech and a Oz. lawyer were on a vacation in the Northern Territory and decided they would go camping for a few days. so sure enough the first night they camped out two crocodiles showed up. They were awakened by the rustling noises outside and got up to see what was out there. The crocs became startled and one of them attacked the Czech and ate him. The Lawyer ran screaming off into the woods and kept running until he came to a police station. He awoke the policeman inside and told him what happened. The Lawyer and the policeman went back to the camp site and found the two crocs still sitting there. The policeman noticed one croc was female and the other was a male. He asked the Lawyer which croc ate his friend. The Lawyer was certain it was the male so the policeman shot the male croc and the female went running off into the river. When they cut open the crocodile they did not find the remains of the Czech inside. What did you learn from this story?Never trust a Lawyer when he says the Czech is in the Male!

[trout]

HeHeHe
They recon by the time you reach 90 you can't remember what you did in the morning anyway :laugh2:

[Basil]

Yeah,i'm in a loop that re-sends the Internet junk on but one of the lynchpins is in Hospital so Jokes have dried up to what they use to be. ..............

 

Paddy and Mick found 3 hand grenades and decided to take them to the police station. Mick "What if one explodes before we get there?" Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two!"

Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out of it. He phones the police and says "Bejasus I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb." The operator asks, "is it tickin?  Paddy says "No, oi tink it's  beef                                  

Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're making love to your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday." Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them because I wasn't even at home yesterday."

The Irish have solved their own fuel problems.  They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil...
 
Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different.
3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant.
2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant.
Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant."
Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?."
Paddy replies, - I'll take her with me!"

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year" Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?" Paddy says, "Oi did, but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."

[Unicorn]

:laugh2: ..... Top stuff Basil, I haven't heard any of those!

[Goldseeker]

Poor Irish but beware, I'm was born in BELFAST, NTH IRELAND!

[Pedro]

Oh, oh, Goldie's "gunning" for you Basil :angel:

Pedro

[Basil]

Oh, oh, Goldie's "gunning" for you Basil :angel:

Pedro

Tell him to take a ticket and get in the Queue..hehe.

[Basil]

My Moslem neighbour invited me to the Open Day at the Lakemba Mosque in Western Sydney for the first time to see what it was all about.
I sat down and the Imam came up to me, laid his hands on my hand and said:
"By the will of Allah and the prophet Mohammed - you will walk today."
I told him I wasn't paralysed, I only had a small bunion on my left foot.
After he came back and laid his hands on me and looking skywards, earnestly repeated his mantra:
"By the will of Allah and the prophet Mohammed - you will walk today."
Once again, I told him there was nothing wrong with me.
After prayers I stepped outside and bugger me . . . . .
MY CAR WAS GONE!!!!

[JeffH]

This is not a joke but it amused me...Grinning Mike Baird cops online abuse as he promotes Graffiti Removal Day
Just goes to show what a politician says one day is not what he says the next day.

[Pedro]

Just goes to show what a politician says one day is not what he says the next day.

Wouldn't be a politician otherwise :grin:

Pedro

[Basil]

One buzz word in today's business world is MARKETING.
However, people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing."
Well, here it is:

* You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Direct Marketing.

______________________________ ______________________________

 

* You're a woman at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy.  One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says, "She's fantastic in bed."

That's Advertising.
______________________________ ______________________________

* You're a woman and  see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Telemarketing.
______________________________ ______________________________

* You're a woman and see a guy at a party; you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm,
and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Public Relations.
______________________________ ______________________________

* You're a woman at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."

That's Brand Recognition.
______________________________ ______________________________

*You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend.

That's a Sales Rep.
______________________________ ______________________________

* Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.

That's Tech Support.
______________________________ ______________________________


* You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing, so you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"

That's Facebook.
______________________________ ______________________________

* You are at a party; this attractive older man walks up to you and grabs your ass.

That's Donald Trump Promotions.
______________________________ ______________________________

* You didn't mind it, but twenty years later your attorney decides you were offended and you are awarded a settlement.

That's America !

[trout]

Another  Ripper Mate :laugh2::laugh2::laugh2::laugh2:

[humpybong]

A young woman started work in the Village chemist shop.

She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public.

The Chemist was going on holiday for a couple of days, and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own.

She had to confide in him her worries about selling condoms.

"Look" he said. "My regular customers don't ask for condoms; they either ask for a 310 (small); a 320 (medium); or a 330 (large).

The word condom is never mentioned".

The first day was fine, but on the second day a black guy came into the shop, put out his hand and said "350" please.

The girl panicked. She phoned the Chemist on his mobile and told him of her predicament.

"Go back in and check if he has a bucket hanging between his legs," her boss told her.

She peeped through the door, and saw the bucket hanging between the guy's legs.

"Yes!" she shouted down the phone. "He's got one hanging there!"

The boss replied, "Well, go back in there and give him £3.50 ...he's the window cleaner!"
A civil engineer died and went to Hell.

Dissatisfied with the level of comfort available, he started designing things and making improvements all over the place.

After a while, the engineer was a pretty popular bloke.

One day God rang  and asked Satan, "How is it down there?"

Satan replies, "Excellent!. We have air-conditioning, flushing toilets and escalators. I have no idea what this engineer is going to do next."

God was horrified. "What! You have an engineer? That is a mistake - he should not be down there under any circumstances! You know all engineers go straight to Heaven. Send him up here!"

Satan replied, "You must be joking! I like having an engineer on my staff. I am keeping him."

God thundered, "Send him back up here or I will sue your arse off."

"Funny bugger," Satan laughed, "and where are you going to get a lawyer?"

[Pedro]

:laugh2:

Pedro