The Laugh Thread

[JeffH]

I found this quite amusing. New Kid on the Block
If you don't immediately identify who the person is with the handlebar moustache, unbuttoned shirt and gold chains is then you have just failed the Australian Citizenship test and should depart the country immediately -or you are just too young. And, I suppose you don't even know what a "sandshoe crusher" is either?

[JeffH]

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight.
The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa. " Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay" says the lawyer, "your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep. And you thought blondes were dumb.

[ausjack]

[ausjack]

There is a huge house in our street. The extended family is run by an old woman with a pack of irritable dogs allowed to run without a leash.

Her car doesn't even have a number plate, but the police do nothing.

To the best of my knowledge, she has never had a regular job in her life, and her bad-tempered husband is notorious for his racist comments.

A shopkeeper blamed him for arranging the murder of his son's ex-wife and her boyfriend, but nothing has ever been proved.

All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone thinks is gay.

Two grandsons are meant to be in the Army but are always out partying in nightclubs.

One of them just got married and seems to be settling down but the second is out of control. It is not even known if they have the same father.

 

I hate living near Buckingham Palace.
Gee this one tickled my funny bone :angel:



Apparently, the correct answer was "LUCK BE IN THE AIR TONIGHT"...

     

Who'd have gotten that?

[Coiny Chris]

Hi,

Air is 3 letters. The word many are thinking of is 4. Check the spelling in an Australian dictionary.

[Australian coin]

yeah but air would have the I appear in the pic and it don't, so yeah dirty mind works just fine

[Pedro]

Aeroplanes anyone? :angel:

Pedro

[humpybong]

WHAT CONFUCIUS DIDN'T SAY............

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Better to be pissed off than pissed on.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Finally CONFUCIUS SAY. . ...

"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood
As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Parking Officers
funeral, a voice from inside screams,  "I'm not dead.  I'm not dead.  Let me out!"

The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters, "Too  late pal, I've already done the paperwork."

[Australian coin]

bahahaha

[Basil]

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party

He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem
A  few days later he receives a parcel with a note:
 
Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as
a pirate. The man is offended that the outfit emphasises his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another
parcel and note:
 
Dear  Sir, Sorry about the previous  parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your  wooden leg and with your bald head you
will really look the part. The  man is really incandescent with rage now because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing
attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint.
 
A few days later he gets a very small parcel  from the company with the accompanying letter:
Dear  Sir,  Please find enclosed a  tin of Golden Syrup. We suggest you pour the tin of  Golden Syrup over your bald head, let it harden, then stick your
wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple!

[Pedro]

You've done it again Basil :laugh2:

Pedro

[JeffH]

A couple are getting ready for a fancy dress party when the wife walks out with only a lemon hanging over her snatch. The husband takes one look and storms off to the kitchen and return with a potato on his dong. The wife says "what the hell" and the husband replies "well shit, if you're going as a sour puss then I'm going as a dictator"

[Basil]

You've done it again Basil :laugh2:

Pedro

Thanks,lot of unsuitable stuff doing the rounds now so not much to choose from.

[Basil]

A little house with three bedrooms,
one bathroom and one car on the street.
A mower that you had to push
to make the grass look neat.

In the kitchen on the wall
we only had one phone,
And no need for recording things,
someone was always home.

We only had a living room
where we would congregate,
less it was  at mealtime
in the kitchen where we ate.

We had no need for family rooms
or extra rooms to dine.
When meeting as a family
those two rooms would work out fine.


We only had one TV set
and channels maybe two,
But always there was one of them
with something worth the view.

For snacks we had potato chips
that tasted like a chip.
And if you wanted flavour
there was onion dip.


Shop-bought snacks were rare because
my mother liked to cook
and nothing can compare to snacks
in Betty Crocker's book
Weekends were for family trips
or staying home to play.
We all did things together --
even go to church to pray.


When we did our weekend trips
depending on the weather,
no one stayed at home because
we liked to be together.
Sometimes we would separate
to do things on our own,
but we knew where the others were
without our own mobile phone.

Then there were the movies
with your favourite movie star,
and nothing can compare
to watching movies in your car.


Then there were the picnics
at the peak of summer season,
pack a lunch and find some trees
and never need a reason.


Get a cricket game together
with all the friends you know,
have real action playing ball --
and no game video.


Remember when the doctor
used to be the family friend,
and didn't need insurance
or a lawyer to defend?


The way that he took care of you
or what he had to do,
because he took an oath and strived
to do the best for you.

Remember going to the store
and shopping casually,
and when you went to pay for it
you used your own money?


Nothing that you had to swipe
or punch in some amount,
and remember when the cashier person
had to really count?


The milkman used to go
from door to door,
And it was just a few pence more
than going to the store.


There was a time when mailed letters
came right to your door,
without a lot of junk mail ads
sent out by every store.

The postman knew each house by name
and knew where it was sent;
there were not loads of mail addressed
to "present occupant."


There was a time when just one glance
was all that it would take,
and you would know the kind of car,
the model and the make.


They didn't look like turtles
trying to squeeze out every mile;
they were streamlined, white walls, fins
and really had some style.

One time the music that you played
whenever you would jive,
was from a vinyl, big-holed record
called a forty-five.


The record player had a post
to keep them all in line
and then the records would drop down
and play one at a time.

Oh sure, we had our problems then,
just like we do today
and always we were striving,
trying for a better way.

Oh, the simple life we lived
still seems like so much fun,
how can you explain a game,
just kick the can and run?


And why would boys put cards
between bicycle spokes
and for a sixpence, red machines
had little bottled Cokes?

This life seemed so much easier
and slower in some ways.
I love the new technology
but I sure do miss those days.

So time moves on and so do we
and nothing stays the same,
but I sure love to reminisce
and walk down memory lane.
With all today's technology
we grant that it's a plus!
But it's fun to look way back and say,
Hey look, guys, THAT WAS US!
LIFE IS SHORT. SMILE WHILE YOU STILL HAVE TEETH
A rich Arab walks into a bar and is about to order a drink, when he sees a guy close by wearing a Jewish cap, a prayer shawl and traditional locks of hair.  He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is Jewish.  So, he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for the Jew over there."  Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Jew gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice.

This infuriates the Arab.  He once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Jew.  As before, this does not seem to bother the Jewish guy.  He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"  

He does this once again for the third time, but not the Jew again.  The Arab gets real cranky so he asks the bartender,  " What the hell is the matter with that Jew? I've ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar, all 100 of them but him, and all the silly bugger does is smile and thank me.

Is he nuts ? "

"Nope," replies the bartender.  "He owns the place."

[Pedro]

That little walk down memory lane is pretty close Basil!

We used to cut up cereal packets to get the cardboard pieces that would then be attached to the bike frame with pegs.

Pedro