The Laugh Thread

[robbiegal]

thought for the day .....

[autocoupler]

Amazing little buggers those squirrels, when we were in the US last December there were heaps of them scampering around parks and even on the roads. One place of note was in the grounds of the state capitol building in Austin. They look cute, but I reckon they would rip your arms off!!

[triplewitch]

They're everywhere, but generally harmless unless diseased or cornered.

[robbiegal]

they look cute in photos
I have never seen one in real life

we have a possum at our place - she had a baby with her for a long time but he is grown up now
they look so pretty but can apparently be aggressive - probably the same,  if cornered
but they have a growl that is unsettling
when I saw the movie Predator - the sound that the intergalaxy warrior made reminded me of the Australian possum - I swear that they had set up the original sound recorder in aussie back yard (if not mine - when I hear rustling at night I  look under the zucchini leaves for  intergalaxy warrior footprints!! ha ha) !!

[Nevol]

When we had some roof work done some years ago, 'our' possum rushed out and bit one of the workers on the leg when he tried to evict it from a water pipe.

It's a female and has a baby every year and when it's time for baby to leave home, there's always a barney and while it's going on it sounds quite aggressive.

[robbiegal]

Oh so they do get in the roof! Yes when I hear our possums going for gold I often wonder if I should grab some needle and thread to stitch one of them up. But I know who would be ending up with stitches and a tetanus shot. Bit like the day I got the hubby to rescue an injured cook a too in the back yard. He has never forgiven me for that one. Bird bit through leather gloves.

[triplewitch]

It's called nuisance wildlife here, and exterminators need a special license to remove them.

[autocoupler]

When we lived at Holland Park our house was a high set, and just outside our bedroom was a huge tree ( it started with a P but I can't spell it, also blossomed a rich red every summer ). We would nearly always have the french doors that led to a small balcony open, and quite often the wildlife would pay us a visit. One night we were awakened by a scratching noise, the culprit was a brushtail possum and her baby climbing the mirror stand. My wife got out of bed and ushered them out through the curtains, and as the little one went by it stopped a gave her a long and knowing look before casually joining mother brushy in the tree.

That baby possum stayed around for years, and long after attaining adult status was the only one that trusted us to handle it. Of course the apples and bananas we left on the feed tray each night encouraged it and many others to hang around. But we liked to think the bedroom experience many years before was responsible for a special bond.

[Goldseeker]

I know pretty well that most of us shouldn't feed wildlife at all.

But something inside of us tells us "help feed this little critter, regardless of what it is".

I like the idea of taming a wildlife.

I use to sit at the end of my patio and flick corn at two doves that settled near the back.   After a while, one of the doves followed the line of corn right up to my hand.   It took many hours but eventually one dove put one foot onto my hand for a hand feed.   After that, as soon as I stepped out the dove would fly down to me.

It's like our forum member who posted pictures of the Kookaburra that would fly down onto his shoulder when he went over to his recycling patch.

Loverly.

[JeffH]

Q. How many conspiracy theorists does it take to change a light bulb?















A. I cannot say; the Government has classified that information.

[Basil]

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives. Some doctor on TV that said the way to achieve inner peace and feel contented with ones lot in life is every morning finish off all the things you have started.

 

So I looked around my house to see things I've started and hadn't finished and have managed to finish off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, a pockage of prungles, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valiuminum scriptins, the res of the chescike and a bix of chicoletz. Yu haf no idr how bludy fablus I fool rite now. Pleeze sned dhis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov iennr pisss.

[Robster]

Yo Ho Ho and a bottle of rum.!!:kez_15:

[Basil]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a very attractive woman waving at him.
She says, 'Hello.'

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he asks, 'Do you know me?'

To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife.

So he asks, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table,
with all my buddies watching, while your girl friend whipped my butt with wet celery?'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly,

I'm his school Teacher..

Senior tax return

I just received an audit on my tax return for 2013 back from the ATO. and it puzzles me!!!
They are questioning how many dependents I claimed.
I guess it was because of my response to the question: "List all your dependents?"
I replied: 1 million Muslim immigrants we provide everything for; 50,000 crack heads in rehab ;
1 million unemployed people on the dole and not looking for work,
25,000 people in prison, 26,000 boat people who just arrived for a holiday ,

535 persons in the Parliament and Senate!!!!

 

They told me that this was NOT the correct answer.SO I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, WHO THE HELL DID I MISS?


Will bring a tear to your eyes....J


A small boy named Wally lived in Punchbowl,

a suburb in South Western Sydney.


None of his classmates liked him cause of his stupidity,
especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him,

"you are driving me mad Wally".

One day Wally's mum came to school to check on how he was doing.
The teacher told his mum honestly, that her son is simply a disaster,

getting very low marks and even she had never seen
such a dumb boy in her entire teaching career.

The mum was shocked at the feedback and withdrew her son from
the school and even moved out of Sydney, North of Newcastle.

25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an incurable cardio disease.

All the doctors strongly advised her to have heart surgery,

which only one surgeon could perform.

Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation,

which was successful.

When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome doctor smiling down at her.

She wanted to thank him, but could not talk.

Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand,

trying to tell him something but eventually died.





The doctor was shocked and was trying to work out what went wrong

, when he turned around he saw our friend Wally,

working as a cleaner in the clinic,

who had unplugged the oxygen equipment to connect his Hoover!





*Don't tell me you were thinking that Wally became a heart-surgeon?*!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lexophilia

"Lexophile" is a word used to describe those that have a love for words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless." A competition to see who can come up with the best lexophiles is held every year in an undisclosed location.

 

This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.

.. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
.. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
.. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
.. The batteries were given out free of charge.
.. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.


.. A will is a dead giveaway.
.. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
.. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
.. Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.


.. Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.
.. A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.
.. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
.. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
.. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.


.. When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.
.. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

   And the cream of the twisted crop:
.. Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.

 

 

  ALWAYS LAUGH WHEN YOU CAN ... IT'S CHEAP MEDICINE.

[Basil]

SHOW 'EM YOUR CROSS

Two Irish nuns were sitting at a traffic light in their car when a bunch
of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us your tits, ye bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

The Mother Superior turns to Sister Margaret, "I don't think they know
who we are.  Show them your cross."
 
So Sister Margaret rolls down her window and shouts, "Screw off ye little
 wankers, before I come over there and rip yer nuts off!"
 
Sister Margaret looks back at Mother Superior, "Was that cross enough?!"

[duggee27]

:laughingneqw::laughingneqw::laughingneqw: