The Laugh Thread

[JeffH]

Jacko, from Goulburn way, is feeling terrible and goes to the doctor. ''Sorry,'' says the doctor, ''I have some bad news. You have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus. It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live. There's no known cure so go home and enjoy your final precious moments on Earth ...''
 

So Jacko trudges home to his wife and breaks the news. Distraught, she asks him to go to the Goulburn Soldiers Club as he's never been there with her before. They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins $35. Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins $320. Then he gets the full house and wins $5000. Then the national game comes up and he wins that too, getting $780,000. ''Son,'' says the bingo caller, ''I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full house and the national game on the same card. You must be the luckiest bastard on Earth!'' ''Lucky?'' Jacko screams. ''Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24.'' ''Well I'll be buggered,'' says the bingo caller. ''You've won the meat tray, too!''

[Unicorn]

Hmmm ..... there must be an election coming :laugh2:

[JeffH]

Is the rumour correct he is offering an incused millennium for every one that votes for him, a 1966 wavy 2 20¢ if you bring in four other votes and a 2000 $1/10¢ mule if you can rope in fifteen voters?
By the way what office is he standing for?

[Pedro]

I have no idea what office I am running for! On second thoughts, there is an election coming up in November that looks winnable with little or no experience required if the incumbent is anything to go by.   

Pedro

PS As for the rumour - I don't need to buy votes.  :laugh2:

[JeffH]

I have been to McDonalds but not often. Grandchildren seem to have some special attachment though! Thought this story was worth sharing, being an older person.

I was in the McDonald's drive-through in at lunch time yesterday and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn because I was taking too long to place my order.
"Take the high road," I thought to myself. So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own.
The cashier must have told her what I'd done, because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with a kindness.
When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too.
Now she has to go back to the end of the line start all over.

Don't honk your horn at old people.

[Basil]

I think i may have posted a similar piece before,apologies if so.

Due to the current financial situation caused by the Corona Virus and slowdown in the economy, the Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.

 

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

 

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the Government to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).

 

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

 

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the Government deems appropriate.

 

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

 

Obviously, persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the Government.

 

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The Government has always prided themselves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.

 

Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your Member of Parliament, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

 

Sincerely,

 

The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.).

[Goldseeker]

A mother-in-law arrives home from the mall to find her son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase..
"What happened?", she asks anxiously.
"What happened! I'll tell you what happened..
... I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my business trip.. I get home.. and.. guess what I found..
Yes, your daughter, my wife.. with a guy in our marital bed..
This is unforgivable.. the end of our marriage..
I'm done.. I'm leaving forever.."
"Calm down.. calm down.. my son"..
says.. his mother-in-law..
"There is something very odd going on here..
My daughter would never do such a thing..
There must be a simple explanation..
I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened.."
Moments later.. the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile..
"I told you there must be a simple explanation..
She didn't get the email"

[Pedro]

:laugh2:

Pedro

[JeffH]

Good one Goldie.

[Unicorn]

:yeah_that: :laugh2: +1

[JeffH]

Boss I can't come into work today. There is a case of Corona in the house!

[Nevol]

ROSES & HANGING BASKETS


A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!
 
The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!" and out she goes.
 
The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and her grandmother,  is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate .....
 
The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. These are modern times. If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets. 

[Unicorn]

:laugh2: Top job Nevol

[Triggersmob]

Nice one Nancy, and Jeff, that's the sort of case of Corona I would like.

[JeffH]