The Laugh Thread

[Pedro]

:laugh2: ...... love it ...... I remember when they first introduced day-light saving, people complained that the extra sunlight would fade their curtains!

And don't forget it curdled cow's milk Uni  :winkextra:

Pedro

[JeffH]

A suave businessman walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman...
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

The businessman smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."

[Triggersmob]

An oldie, but a goodie.

[JeffH]

Low budget cruise control. I can't see how anything could go wrong!

[Triggersmob]

I'm gonna pretend I didn't see that.  *shakes head*.

[JeffH]

Once seen can't be unseen.

[Pedro]

:shok: A candidate for the Darwin award. 

Pedro

[Basilstate]

Before my surgery, the anaesthiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether/oar situation.
*************************************************************

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.



As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about , "What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it." And on and on and on.



Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.



While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight. Finally, realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.



As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet. "They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.



He whirled around and screamed, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?"
**************************************************
I never thought I'd be the kind of person who'd run 5 kilometers a day before I've even had breakfast.

Turns out I was right.
********************************************************
For the Nerds
I tried to use 'BeefStew' for a password, but the computer said it wasn't Strogenoff ........ groan .....
****************************************************************
An Irishman an Englishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar in Sydney. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food exceptional.

"Y'know" said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you."

"Well" said the Englishman, "At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."

"Ahhh that's nothin'" said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims. He swears every word is true. "Well" said the Englishman, "Did this actually happen to you."

"Not me myself, personally, no," said the Irishman. "But it did happen to my sister."

*************************************************************
Found on the Refrigerator One Morning :


My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54
years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value
you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you
will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening
with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be
upset----I shall be home before midnight.


When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:


My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty
about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to
remind you that You are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a maths
teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you
read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my
students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile,
and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of maths, you
will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small
difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.
********************************************************
The wife walked in on me while I was in the computer and she asked me what I was doing?

"I'm just buying some flights for when we're out of lockdown."

She burst into tears, ripped off my clothes, and gave me the best head job ever !!

To be honest, I didn't even know she liked darts......
*******************************************************
Frightening statistic !!! 25% of women in the world are on medications for mental illness.
That's bloody scary. It means 75% of them are running around with no medication at all.
****************************************************************

[Basilstate]

   

[Unicorn]

:laugh2: .... most excellent Basil!

[Unicorn]

All I can say is where can Marsu pee Al? So old now, actually saw him in a Sydney pub back in 1989 ...... he picked on everyone except me ..... was good. Sorry reminiscing.

[Triggersmob]

I can related to the last one.

[JeffH]

[Pedro]

:laugh2: (loved the soccer player getting the jab!)

Pedro

[JeffH]