any body know any favourite sayings like :::
happy birthday card wordings ..;;
( I was going to send you $ 10 but I have already sealed up the envelope )
( I bought you a scratchit for your birthday, sorry but you didn,t win anything . )
haha love the second one
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
very good nancy , that,s the spirit , keep it up that
, is also a good one
,, kel ,,
you're not over the hill yet
but getting high enough for nose bleeds
I did get a birthday card like that once - it had a cartoon of a goat on a mountain!
30 days has September
April, June and No Wonder
All the rest eat peanut butter
Save my grandmother
Who rides a bicycle!
My father taught me that when I was a toddler. I think it is attributable to Spike Milligan but it could equally well be Edward Lear or Samuel Clements (Mark Twain) who were both partial to a little nonsense verse.
I have some good (proper) limericks too. But, most limericks are, at least, indecent and, at best, downright obscene.
I will try and think if I can recall a few that can be posted here later without getting me into trouble.
Jeff
ladies quick , ,, cover your ears ,,
Limerick rhyming scheme is A, A B, B, A. First, second and last lines usually longer and third and fourth lines short.
The first line is usually something like this "There was a (adjective, person) from (place)" and second line starts "who..." but this is not invariable.
If it is not, at least, slightly dirty it is a ring in from a bowdler who thinks thinks he can impose his "holier than thou" view on the world.
Example;
There was a young man from Calcutta
(next line tomorrow)
Jeff
"Whose brain was made of BUTTER">>>>>>>>>>..
Who said to his wife, The bane of his life,
Your Mother's an absolute nutter!
Quotepartial to a little nonsense verse.
My Dad use to like these too.
He taught me this one...
Early in the morning, in the middle of the night,
two dead soldiers got up, to fight.
Back to back, they faced each other,
drew their swords and shot each other.
I think there is a lot more to this, but I never learned it.
OK just Googled it, and there seems to be a few different versions.
Here is one version..
"One fine day in the middle of the night" (Journal Versions)
One fine day in the middle of the night,
Two dead boys* got up to fight, [*or men]
Back to back they faced each other,
Drew their swords and shot each other,
One was blind and the other couldn't, see
So they chose a dummy for a referee.
A blind man went to see fair play,
A dumb man went to shout "hooray!"
A paralysed donkey passing by,
Kicked the blind man in the eye,
Knocked him through a nine inch wall,
Into a dry ditch and drowned them all,
A deaf policeman heard the noise,
And came to arrest the two dead boys,
If you don't believe this story’s true,
Ask the blind man he saw it too!
Only ever heard the first verse back in schooldays. I never realised there was more to it. Well there you go.
Pedro
On the rare occasions I used to attend the last lesson on a Friday afternoon my English teacher would look at me and exclaim....."Well strap me to the side of a Pig....and roll me in the Mud."
who started this ?? we are in trouble now ..
they are getting hard , where,s A J ??
A J quick , come back and help us out .. ,, kel ,,
here's another oldie:-
Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
To fetch her poor doggy a bone.
When she got there
The cupboard was bare
So the doggy ......................(Censored).
Or this little ditty:
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To get a pail of water
Jill the dill forget her pill
An now she has a daughter..............
If we are going to nursery rhymes.
my favourite is...
Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the King's horses and all the King's men,
said, " **** him, he's only an egg".
A friend of mine from work, use to use one liners all the time.
I think his favourite was something like this...
"You're face is so ugly, they could use it for the backdrop in a horror movie."
How's about this one liner:
Compared to my wife's face, the moons surface is flat.........
Or how about this:
It is cheaper to by the bolt of material than it is to buy her a dress.....
Sorry,
No second line yesterday. Had to go to Sydney and didn't get back until quite late.
There was a young man from Calcutta
Fell A over T in the gutter
Goldseeker is heading the right way.
Jeff
But I think I will keep the LINES clean from now on.........
Day three and, line three;
There was a young man from Calcutta
Fell A over T in the gutter
The tropical sun...
to be continued
Day four and, line four;
There was a young man from Calcutta
Fell A over T in the gutter
The tropical sun
Burnt a hole in his bum
and...
to be finished tomorrow -if I don't chicken out!
why did a former PM ( G W ) take his wife ( M ) with him when he went overseas .??
answer [ to kick start the jumbo ]
or another answer was
she was too ugly to kiss goodbye ..
Ok I'll try and think of a few I've heard over the years but not all at once.
Here's one from dear old Nan
It's better to fart and stink a little than to bust ya arse and be a cripple.
And I thought you was a lady Nevol................!!!
Nancy (on that other coin forum) "You're a tinny bugger".
Does anyone know the derivation of 'tinny' in the sense of lucky?
And, check this one out Outrageous Aussie Sayings (http://www.sunburntcountry.au.com/sayings/fulllist.html). "A little more choke and he would have started!" made me laugh out loud.
Jeff
can we make this X rated as I have heaps but I'd get in trouble :)
We're all broadminded adults here aren't we?
In the old days this used to be written on our local public dunny wall.
Here i sit broken hearted,paid 10 cents & only farted.
[attachment=1914]:crazy_pilot:
Quote from: 'accumulator' pid='14602' dateline='1368402512'In the old days this used to be written on our local public dunny wall.
Here i sit broken hearted,paid 10 cents & only farted.
Another version:
Here I sit and what a caper,
Paid my Penny and there's no b****y paper!
:acute: ya not being a fly in my ointment today Jeff as I've been and fed me worms and now I'm as full as a state school but it's better than a poke in the eye with a hot/blunt stick or kick in the teeth but we'll have a chin wag about that later :winkextra:
when someone says bottoms up say up ya bum and watch their face :drinks:
on both walls in a dunny is written, rules for toilet tennis see other wall.
"Better than a slap in the guts with a dead jellyfish." :angel:
a small amout..a whisker, micky hair, b's d!@k, sparra fart and poofteenth and then it fits like a finger in a bum but some time ya have to put some hair around it to get it in and then it's as tight as a fishes arse (also used when working in and around water) but if somethings dry or ya thirsty it's a dry as a nun's tit and a man's not a cammel :heat: I might have to go look at me eyelids :sleepy: so i'll see ya when I'm lookin at ya :pilot:
Certain allegations have been made-and we intend to find the alligator.!!
11 was 1 racehorse,12 was 12, 1111 race,12112.! :blush:
C, M, B's
M, N, O, B's
S, A, R
ABCD goldfish
MNO goldfish
SAR
RSIC
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11 was a racehorse, 22 was 12, 1111 race, 22112
--------------------------------------------------------
FUNEX?
SVFX
FUNEM?
MNX Please
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One day Esau Wood, saw a wood saw saw wood as no other wood saw, Wood saw would saw wood.
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The skunk sat on a stump, the stump sunk and the skunk stunk.
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Say 3 times .....
Irish Wrist Watch
Quote from: 'Robster' pid='14606' dateline='1368408568'"Better than a slap in the guts with a dead jellyfish." :angel:
A similar one that I like..
" Better than a slap on the foreskin with a wet tram ticket"
A friend of mine use to say (not to me)...
"Your face is so ugly, they could use it as the backdrop for a horror movie"
when I'm not feeling so good I'll say "I feel like a teenage girl backstage at an aerosmith concert"
When asked to commit to anything, I'd always say "That's a definite possible maybe".
ever thought about doing the weather fulvio..it's gonna be fine with the possibilty of showers..if that's not covering your arse what is
QuoteWhen asked to commit to anything, I'd always say "That's a definite possible maybe".
I don't know about you Fulvio but I am "old school" and a simple YES or NO works out perfect for me (most times :angel:).
Imagine saying that to the preacher on your wedding vows .
Do you take this woman as your lawful wife? and you answer "definite possible maybe" :dodgy:
Quote from: 'trout' pid='14782' dateline='1368536151'Do you take this woman as your lawful wife? and you answer "definite possible maybe"
That would probably lead to far fewer problems than saying "Yes", at least in my experience. ;)
Quote from: 'Fulvio' pid='14794' dateline='1368542455'Quote from: 'trout' pid='14782' dateline='1368536151'Do you take this woman as your lawful wife? and you answer "definite possible maybe"
That would probably lead to far fewer problems than saying "Yes", at least in my experience. ;)
:laugh2::laugh2:
2 y's U R 2 y's U B I C U R 2 y's 4 me
Yep, I read that one Nevol. An oldie but goodie........